son out drinking - DIL blaming me - Al-Anon Family Group

cindyb21 · Member

son out drinking - DIL blaming me

maire rua · ~*Service Worker*~

I'd love to tell you that you had some control over this awful disease, unfortunately, though I feel for your daughter in law, alcoholism doesn't work that way and you can't cure it or control it. also you did not cause it. For years, I fix,directed and controlled events in relation to all the a's in my love, it meant nothing, I hope your son gets recovery, and I hope you take care of you, perhaps your daughter in law might go to alanon too, it might help,

cindyb21 · Member

DIL thinks sh's totally blameless and perfect, would not consider alanon, even though she grew up with an A father.
I think she's afraid my son will meet another woman and she will have less control over him, even though she has a boyfriend, she doesn't want him seeing anyone else, and she has no plan on ever getting back with him. my DIL is a really crazy person, keep away from her as much as I can.
anyway, thanks for the reply, I will stay home and try to have a nice evening.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

What makes one care about what another person like this wants us to do anyway?

hugs, keep coming! debilyn

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Great follow thru Cindy...Aloha. Bout the best I could do for you is lend you my very
bestest slogan which I just got thru using myself...."Don't react!!" Use it for as long as
you like and even keep it if you like. I've got another. ((((hugs)))) smile

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds like you're spot-on your own program, Cindy. I know it's hard, but good for you!

cindyb21 · Member

thank-you everyone for the support.
debilyn, you're right, I shouldn't and truly don't really care what she thinks, but I do doubt myself sometimes
Jerry f - thanks for the slogan It's a keeper...
white rabbit - I'm trying think I'm getting step 2
Maire rua- I know my dil would benefit from alanon, but I don't dare suggest t he that she is less than perfect, she would not take that well
My night wasn't as peaceful as I had hoped, I had planned on spending the night on the couch with a book and a box of chocolates, instead spent most of it online looking for support. But I did much better than I did b4 alanon

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

Good for you Cindy. You have learned a lot in a couple of months, not the least of which is looking in the right place for support when you need it. Yes, find yourself a sponsor. I also have a phone list of Al-Anon friends that i can call when I am doubting myself.

Take care and keep working it. It is working for you.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Cindy did you save the chocolates? After my diet can I come over??? Pleeeeeze.

I think I need a CA meeting...(((((hugs))))) smile

PS...I promise to leave the book alone.

-- Edited by Jerry F on Sunday 27th of December 2009 10:36:53 PM

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Stay home this is sons trip has nothing to do with you and when DIL calls and strarts her ranting tell her to find a meeting , there is nothing u can do about him he is a big boy now . His decission , you don't have to listen to abusive phone calls either , ask her to stop or your going o hang up the phone . Read all u can on boundaries . good luck Louise

cindyb21 · Member

Louise, how did you know she rants at me??? :) i'm getting better about the boundries. I blocked her from sending me texts caue she was getting me upset all the time while I was working. It's much more peaceful now.
I will tell her about alanon. I just hope she doesn't go to the same meetings that I do.
What books do you recommend about boundaries?
thanks,
cindy

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I certainly ranted and raved at lots of people to try to get them to force the ex A to do things. I know I didn't make any friends that way.

There are times when an A can be forced into treatment. Toby Rice Drew has some pointers and ways to do that on her web site and in her books the series Getting them Sober.

As someone who did just what your daughter in law does now I have a lot of compassion for her. The frustration, chaos and anger around an active alcoholic are immense. I lived, ate and slept that for years. I am only now beginning to know how I alienated so many people around me. I also only now years after I left the ex A able to let go of what he does. Needless to say I am still years and years later suffering the consequences of his drinking. Throughout my life I have suffered many an alcoholic, the neighbor, the boss, family members.

There are lots of books and literature in the al anon circuit. All of them will help you.

I can imagine it might be very difficult to go to the same meetings as you daughter in law. Nevertheless there are other avenues for her to get help, counselling, crisis lines. When former friends used to call me in crisis all the time I gave them some crisis line numbers. They used them.

There are ways to be compassionate with your daughter in law. There are also ways to have boundaries and this is also a great great place to vent.

Maresie.

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

Well first of all if DIL is so perfect i would ask her how come she couldn't stop his drinking? Ask her how this became your problem and respondsibilty and not her's?
Then maybe suggest alanon
My son also an A.... If love could cure him he would be cured
If anger could cure him he would be cured
If yelling, crying, nagging, begging, negotiating etc could cure him he would be cured
UGH!
You have taken the best step you can by coming to alanon and beginning to heal yourself
Welcome

wp · ~*Service Worker*~

"What others think of me is none of my business."
That's one of my favorites that I learned in alanon.

Stick with the program Cindy.

wp akapw

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.