The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've found myself in a little fear these last 2 days about the next few months. My husband told me yesterday that his work schedule is changing next week. Instead of working from 8 - 3 monday through friday, he'll be working from 12 - 5 two days a week and 8 - 3 the other days. So he'll be home alone 2 mornings a week.
His last relapse was in a similar scenario. He had mornings at home alone.
When he first told me, I pretty much immediately felt fear creep in. I remember how scary the relapse was and how hard. I immediately felt myself worrying that it would happen that way again.
I also knew immediately that the fear was my problem. I told my husband how I felt, and also told him that I realized that my feelings were my responsibility to manage. I prayed, went to a meeting and talked, and continue to remind myself to stay in the present because if there's going to be a relapse, no amount of my worrying is going to prevent it. Now that I've told him once, I don't plan to bring it up again. It's not his job to change his life to accomodate my fears.
I can certainly see how far I've come in this program. Two years ago in this position, I would have clearly known what was best for him and what he should do. I would have demanded he change his schedule so that I wouldn't have to worry (probably thrown in some guilt about how if he didn't want me to worry, he'd change it), or been passive aggressive about manipulating him into changing it, or just brought it up at every opportunity until he got so sick of listening to me that he did it my way. I understand enough now to understand that it's not my responsibility to structure his day to attempt to prevent a relapse. If he feels like he needs to do something different to stay sober, he will do whatever that is.
But I have to admit - it's still on my mind. Not at the same intensity level I think it would've been 2 years ago, but there. I'm working hard to let go and let God. Some patterns are so hard to break. I'm grateful that, even though I really don't feel peaceful, the unrest is significantly lessened.
White Rabbit, it's understandable that if your husband relapsed before during a work schedule change that it would trigger your fears and make you apprehensive. Just take a deep breath and give yourself a pat on the back for coming here and also for going to your meeting.
There are two acronyms I'd like to leave you with:
False Evidence Appearing Real
and
Face Everything And Recover
These two little gems have kept me out of a lot of "what if's" and "if onlys". When I worry about things that haven't happened yet I'm not warding off tomorrows sorrows, I'm stealing today of its joy. Often what I worry about never happens and I have wasted precious time on that particular worry.
I think you realize this and are on the right track, as you said, "I prayed, went to a meeting and talked, and continue to remind myself to stay in the present because if there's going to be a relapse, no amount of my worrying is going to prevent it."
Another saying that has helped me a lot in Al-anon is that it is just as likely for good things to happen to me, as it is my imagined fear. Stay in the positive, talk to your sponsor, get to meetings and read lots of literature. Two good books are "Getting them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews and "Living with Sobriety, Another Beginning", an Al-Anon Family Groups book.
Remember to take things One Day at a Time, One Hour at a Time or One minute at a Time, whatever is needed at the time. I find the best remedy for me, for staying out of someone else's business, is to keep the focus on me and the God of my Understanding. Delve into the program, doing service work also helps me keep the focus on me.
These are just a few of the things that have helped me. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Overcome
-- Edited by Overcome on Saturday 26th of December 2009 11:40:09 PM
__________________
I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
What you are feeling is of course very understandable. Good for you that you are not allowing it to rule your life. One thing that I learned about those fears of the future is that when I am the most uncomfortable, that is when I have my biggest growth spurts in this program. I think you are in for a good growth spurt.
In the long run, it really doesn't matter if he relapses or not. An A is gonna do what an A is gonna do. He has to go through what he has to go through to learn to stay sober. If he is not strong enough to withstand a couple of mornings home alone, then he will find out that he needs to strengthen his program when he comes back to it for another try. But either way, that is not your business. It is your business to take care of you and make sure that whatever happens, you are strong enough to do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself, stay safe and not lose your serenity over every move your A makes.
Stay close to your program, stay in touch with your sponsor, or get one if you don't have one, get an extra meeting every week. Work a new 4th step. Those are the things I do when things get real unsettled for me. That is what has kept me centered and kept my focus on me.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Aloha WR...the responses you received were really good and your self awareness is growth. I remember similar circumstances and what I learned was the simple slogan..."don't project". It kept me in the now with my HP. ((((hugs))))
