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I have been reading over this forum for a few weeks now. I have debated whether or not to sign up. I know that I need help I need people who understand what I am going through. I am married 30 yr old mother to two sets of twin girls. They are my life and my entire world. Their father is an alcoholic, he has been since I meant him almost 10 years ago. There are days when I can convince myself that it is what it is. He was my choice and therefore I deserve what I get then there are other times when I think there has to be a better life than this for my daughters and myself.
The problem is that I have all of the excuses the "I can't do it without him or I will never find happiness anyway so why uproot my children" I grew up with a father who was and still is (although much better now) an alcoholic. My mother left him when I was only 7. She did the best she could for us but unfortunately she feel into the world of a single mother with very little education therefore we went without a lot.
My husband is a good provider and when he is not drinking he is wonderful to my daughters and myself. When he is drinking he just lays down and goes to sleep. Over the course of the last year or so I have started getting very irritated with the drinking and constantly feeling like I have to be responsible all the time when he gets to do whatever he wants. That has led to quite a few fights between us that normally ends with him leaving in a huff and me crying. Thankfully he is not a violent man and will walk away before he would ever lay a hand on me or my daughters.
Two weeks ago things got very out of hand though, he wanted to leave to go drink with his friends. On this particular Saturday both my father and mother had been admitted to the hospital for different reasons. I needed him here ( I also suffer from panic and anxiety) because I was incredibly anxious due to my parents both being ill. We started fighting and he grabbed a knife and cut his wrist in front of me and my daughters. Thankfully he is okay but he managed to get himself put in a psych ward for a few days as a result of his own actions.
He says he was trying to make a point he has been talking about getting sober for sometime now. He told me he was trying to make me understand how hard it is for him that he doesn't want to be this way. It was that weekend that I decided I need help for me too. I hope that he does what he says he is going to do and gets the help he needs. That being said I need to start taking care of me too. I needed to find a place where people understand what I am going through. I look forward to getting to know all of you and thank you for reading my long post.
It is insane and it keeps on getting more insane unless we go into recovery ourselves.
I hope you can also get to some face-to-face meetings. Then you will have people in your area to lean on and sponsor you, as well as us. Keep trying meetings until you find one that fits, as they often have different feels to them. Around here a number of them have free childcare, so some of yours may too. I know it's hard for people with kids to get out.
What you "deserve" is the same that all of us deserve, which is to have peace and happiness. It helped when I realized that my actions do have consequences, and in that sense I was responsible for my position. But none of us "deserve" to have the pain, upheaval, exhaustion and turmoil that alcoholism fosters. The good news is that we have control over how we respond and the choices we make. My life has turned around so much since I started my recovery. Yours will too. Learn all you can. The book "Keeping Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drew is very helpful. And meetings will have good literature, as well as people who know what you're going through.
Hello and welcome and you are in the right place . i truly understand the dilema u find yourself in , I have been there myself . There is nothing u can do about your husb drinking , and the fighting is usless and on ly makes u feel worse . At the moment alcohol is running his life and he is out of control , perhaps this last weekend will allow him to get help . Al-Anon will help u to understand this disease , offer suggestions as to how to get yourlife back on track , forget what u think you know about alcoholism . with 4 children I understand it will be diff to get to meetings f2f , but if at all possible even one a week will work wonders . WE have meetings here on line daily at 9 pm and am eastern time . they will help alot . Purchase some of our literature and read daily , you cnnot fight this alone its too hard . I am so sorry your children and yourself witnessed that last weekend it must have been very scarry for all . Just know that you are not the reason he drinks , and there is nothing u can do to make it stop . You will find the help u need in this program . hope to see u in the meeting room soon Louise
Hi Liz and welcome! Glad you are here. I concur with what the others have said, just wanted to add a few lines of my own. My daughter's father (not an alcoholic, but the adult child of an alcoholic) had a self-harming episode when she was a year old. It was a very scary episode and one that will always stay with me. He ran his head into the side of the house and ran at us hitting himself in the head. I called the police and he was taken to jail and then to a psch ward.
He got the help that he needed, but alas it did not save the marriage. All I know is that I had to get active in my Al-anon group and take care of me and my daughter. My daughter is now 12 and still has memories of the period of time that my ex and I seperated and eventually divorced (she was 5 at the time). Life with the family disease of alcoholism is hard and as someone said, "You can't do it alone."
I too recommend trying to get to some f2f meetings if you can. The one-on-one support of a home group and a sponsor is what you need right now. I know my sponsor was a godsend during the time that I just mentioned. She saw me through a lot.
The on-line meetings are helpful too, and the 24-hour chatroom is of great help if you need someone to talk to "right now!" I can't always get ahold of my home group members and the chatroom is always there for me. I am very grateful for it.
The literature that was mentioned is very good and there are two daily mediatation books that I'd like to recommend too. One is the original Al-anon mediatation book, One Day at a Time in Al-Anon. The other is a follow-up to it called "Courage to Change". They are both good books to have.
Glad to have you on this forum and hope to see you soon in Chat!
Overcome
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
I can't always get ahold of my home group members and the chatroom is always there for me. I am very grateful for it.