The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
hello, I am new here and don't know where to start. I have finally realized that the man I live with is an alcoholic. At first I thought he just had a ¨problem¨ that he would sometimes drink too much. That would be like every 3 or 4 months. But it´s been getting worse and the past few months he goes on binges for 2 or 3 days at a time. Out of the last week he has been drunk or hungover for four days. He's does not get violent or abusive, but he gets stupid and I can't stand to be around him when he's like that. I love him very much and when sober he is talented, generous, and sweet. But when he's drunk he turns into someone else. He's not the man I know and love when he's drinking. Maybe this is not the right place for me because I want advice on how to handle this and I know your not supposed to give advice here. But I'm at my wits end and don't know what to do.
Advice is what I wanted when I came to Al Anon, too. I wanted someone to tell me what to do to fix the alcoholic in my life, and someone to tell me whether to leave or stay. I didn't get the advice I thought I was looking for. What I got was better - I learned how to fix myself instead, so that I could cope and be happy regardless of the chaos and drama the alcoholic created. I learned that I couldn't do anything about his addiction and I couldn't make him behave any better, but I could instead tackle changing something that was within my control - the way I interacted and responded ot him.
I've been in the place where there is an active alcoholic binging for days. I have experienced the fear of waiting up at home and not knowing where he is, what he's doing, when he'll be home, or whether he's telling the truth. I've let it affect me to the point that it made me physically sick. I've screamed at a drunk alcoholic when he came home and acted like an out of control crazy person. That's because I was out of control - I was sick.
Through Al Anon, I've been able to accept that there is peace out there for me, and it doesn't depend on what anyone else is doing. This peace can be yours also, just stick around for a while and lean on others in the program.
You are at the right place, why, because you are affected by someone elses drinking. That is the reason we all come to Al-Anon. I understand you want advice on how to handle your Alocholic. When I came into the program that is what I wanted also. The first time most of us enter the rooms of Al-Anon we are looking for a magic pill to solve the problems alocholism is causing in out lives. There is no cure for alocholism. I am sorry to say it usually only gets worse. The disease is progressive, and if the alocholic does not seek help it can be fatal. The disease is in control and has a grip on his mind, body, and spirit. I'm sorry to say there is nothing you can do to make him stop or make him change. You are not in control, he is not in control, alochol is in control.
You state you are at your wits end and you don't know what to do. You did the best thing you could do when you posted today of MIP. Today you can start taking care of yourself. Your not going to get a quick cure for the problems alochol is causing in you life, but what you will get here is the experience, strength, and hope from members who have walked in your shoes. There will be other post from other members. Take the time to not only read them, but to absorb them, because everyone will have your best interest in mind. You will see how others have dealt with the same problems you are experiencing now. You will find comfort in knowing you are not alone anymore. The problems alocholism caused in your live did not happen overnight, and they will not go away overnight, but you can start today to make your life better.
So, start today by taking care of yourself first. Read prior post on this site. Find and read all the infomation you can on the disease. Try to understand that you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
I would strongly suggest you find a face to face Al-Anon meeting in your area, the program is world wide. In the rooms of Al-Anon you will find the help you need, and many caring, loving, and understanding members who will be like a new family to you. Check your local phone book for for information, and try to start attending meetings as soon as possible. They were a livesaver for me.
You have come to the right place. Keep coming back. Al-Anon has helped millions of people worldwide and it can do the same for you if you give it a try. Do it for yourself-------You deserve it !!!
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Wednesday 23rd of December 2009 01:42:30 PM
Well I am going to give u some advice Find an Al-Anon meeting for yourself fast don't wait til after xmas go now , you need support the kind where no one tell s u what to do, to make your own decissions after all it is your life . This program changed my life and that of my family for the better . Al-Anon is about you for you . You cannot change another person but u can make changes in your own life and attitude to make your situation more livable . Detach with love , step aside and allow him the dignity to figure this out for himself. Leaving my marriage was not an option for me either I believe working this program is what made it possible for me to stay .
Aloha Pineapple and to repeat you have found the right place to be for help. No we don't give advise we only offer suggestions on things that have worked for us. If they worked for us they just might work for you if you are willing to try them. We call them suggestions based upon our experiences and the experiences of thousands who have come before us and passed them down to us. The Al-Anon Family Groups program has saved my life and I, like Abbyal will encourage you to find local meetings as quickly as possible and treat your situation as an emergency. Go as quickly as you can.
Alcoholism is an American Medical Association registered primary disease that is not curable and can only be arrested by total abstinence...that part is about him the other part is that it affects everyone it comes in contact with including family, friends and associates. It is a fatal disease (I have seen it take the lives of those who don't drink at all) and the alcoholic has three choices...Sobriety, insanity or death. In Al-Alanon or first choice is Serenity...peace of mind and spirit rather than insanity or death.
Keep coming back so that we can hear more about you and how you are doing. We all know whats going on with the alcoholic...We've been there and done that. I am so impressed with the miracle that is going on with White Rabbit. Awesome (((((hugs)))))
Thanks so much for the welcome. An al-anon meeting is not possible for me as we live in a small village in Guatemala. (Moved here from the U.S. three years ago.) That´s why I was so glad to find this online forum. At least I don´t feel so alone now.
Thank you again for all the support. I've been reading the messages here and reading other parts of the website. It feels good to know there is support here for me but I also know I'm going to have a hard time with this whole program. But I'm going to keep coming back and try to understand. I was reading the steps and am already having difficulty with #1. To accept being powerless feels to me like giving up. I realize that I'm powerless to stop my A from drinking but I also feel like I don't have to make it easy for him. For example yesterday we were in town running errands. He suggested I do half the errands while he did half and we would meet in an hour. I said ¨ No, let's do them all together¨ because I knew as soon as I left he would buy himself a bottle of liquor to take home and drink in secret. Of course I can't always be there to stop him buying liquor and getting drunk but I was there yesterday and because of that he stayed sober all day. So I guess I don't understand the acceptance of powerlesness. Can someone please help me with this?
We are "powerless" over the disease because we can not stop it. You may have temporarily thrown a curve in his plan to buy alcohol when shopping, but you did nothing to stop the disease. It still exists. He will eventually get alcohol no matter what you do. You can't be with him every second nor spend your time monitoring his life and trying to control it...nor should you want to. What kind of life is that?
When we think we can control their disease, we lose our focus on our own life. We can become consumed with searching and finding bottles, proving they are lying, attempting to keep them from drinking and all the other hoops we jump through.....which ultimately gets us nowhere but closer to our own insanity. The monitoring of the alcoholic forces them to be creative (lie) and find ways to drink. The result backfires and creates resentment, that only hurts us.
Step One is a hard one. It is telling us to change everything we THINK works and stop trying to control it. If it only took our attempts to control it or our love to make it stop, the problem would be long gone for all of us and none of us would be here.
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Aww, thanks, Jerry. It's been a long journey, but I wouldn't change a moment of it. My life IS a miracle. :)
Pineapple, I had a hard time with the first part of step 1, too. There was no QUESTION that my life had become unmanageable. But I didn't really believe I was powerless. It took me a while to accept that, but it's okay. There's no time frame here.
After a while it became clearer to me that I was, in fact, powerless. In my alcoholic's moments of sobriety, I could see that he was genuinely sorry and ashamed of the things he had done when he was drunk. I believed him. I believed that he loved me and that he loved his family. I told him that if he loved me, he'd stop. But he still couldn't stop, and eventually I understood that that whether he loved me wasn't at all related to whether he stopped. He was sick, not lacking willpower or consciously choosing to live a life full of chaos. I thought that I was being helpful and showing my love by trying to get him help and get him sober - and honestly, my intentions were good. It was hard to accept that the things I was doing were not helping him because they were not his choices - they were mine.
I agree 100% with Christy. I've many crazy things. I've snooped for bottles, searched his car while he was passed out, poured out whatever I found, tried to consume all of his time and not let him out of my sight in an effort to "save" him from himself, called him a million times in an hour to see where he was, come home from work early to see if he was there, and on and on and on. These things may have delayed the next drink for an hour, but did nothing to stop the problem. All that happened that I was more and more obsessed with helping him and finding something that would work - and I became unable to function.
I can't always get to face to face meetings either. MIP is a good resource. I haven't been here long, but I'm already so grateful I found it. My recovery is hardly perfect. I need my Al Anon fellows every single day. Keep coming back - the comfort you get from talking to others that have been in your shoes is immeasurable.
Find an Al-Anon meeting for yourself fast don't wait til after xmas go now , you need support the kind where no one tell s u what to do, to make your own decissions after all it is your life . This program changed my life and that of my family for the better . Al-Anon is about you for you . You cannot change another person but u can make changes in your own life and attitude to make your situation more livable . Detach with love , step aside and allow him the dignity to figure this out for himself. Leaving my marriage was not an option for me either I believe working this program is what made it possible for me to stay .
