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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> My Story *WARNING: LONG POST!* LOL
Post Info TOPIC: My Story *WARNING: LONG POST!* LOL
intothewoods


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My Story *WARNING: LONG POST!* LOL
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I feel the need to tell my story, and I'm a writer so this is the easiest way for me to tell it. I'm not so much looking for advice as I am just needing to get this out. Maybe it's my way of telling my HP. If reading this gives you any insight you'd like to share, please do. And thanks in advance if you read the whole thing! LOL

I met my husband six years ago when we were 26 (he's a whole 4 mo older than me).  I was drinking; he was drinking. Hell, our first date started at a bar and ended at his place with a twelve pack. So I never really noticed or cared too much about his drinking during the beginning of our relationship. I just thought it was a phase we were both in. We were so much alike, and the things that were different just excited me. We got along so well. I fell head over heels. We moved in together, kept drinking, "parties" with his old A friends and even new A friends (funny how they come out of the woodwork).

Then I started to slack off the drinking, to wise up and grow up. I had been trying to "keep up with him," but we all know that's impossible with an A unless you're an A too. Turns out, I'm not. I was able to cut back and then stop drinking entirely pretty much on my own. (Of course seeing what addiction had done to his father and now him definitely helped.) Still, I guess I don't have that disease. Oh, lucky me.

So when I started cutting back, that's when I realized he was an alcoholic. I went through the classic stages: screaming at him, blaming him then blaming myself, trying to fix him, trying to control him, trying to show him how horrible his disease was, forcing him to AA (only went to 2 meetings I think, with usual A excuses of why he stopped), basically, going to that hardware store over and over again for about a year. Then I discovered this board, went to a couple of f2f meetings, bought some literature, and started working the program in my own way. I see now that I should have kept up with the meetings but I didn't and I refuse to beat myself up about that now. Past is past.

For a while he was seeing a great counselor and dealing with underlying issues like growing up in an A/physically abusive household. I met his counselor and we had a couple of sessions with both of us. She was a really great lady, but ultimately it didn't really help him because he's still back to drinking heavily. I mean, are these people really trained in addiction? Or is he lying to them? It honestly makes me wonder if counseling alone can ever cut it. But it's ultimately none of my business and I'm getting ahead of my story. While things were good, we got engaged. It looked like he could beat his Aism and I could live with it while he did.

So we moved to a small college down where we could afford to live and both go to school full time. We're still there. He's really smart and always wanted to go back to college (we both dropped out at 19). I thought (and he told me) that going back to school would help him not drink so much. He said that he knew he was an A, but I don't think he really understood it. Anyway, we went back to school and, yeah, he didn't drink for a few months, and when he did, it was moderate (sometimes) and he could go a week without drinking. He was seeing a counselor at the college. I was doing well in classes and generally handling things well, I think. Things were pretty good that first year in the cute little college town.

Anyway, almost a year ago, we got married. He had been sober for a while before that, and he promised me (PROMISED) that after our honeymoon, he would quit for good, go to AA, whatever it took. And he was serious. I saw it in his eyes. We also had a dry wedding (no alcohol), which for him was like a miracle. I wanted to believe so badly that this was it, we were finally out of the woods. So we went on our honeymoon (over Spring Break).

We got back and... you guessed it, he kept drinking. He was seeing a counselor at school, saying he was working on it, actively resisting it at times, but then he would break down and drink. At first he kept it to the weekends so he could concentrate on school... and then it was just on Wed, maybe, when he didn't have anything due on Thurs, that sort of thing. And then a few more beers, more frequently... and then a little more... You get the idea. It crept back up into full blown active A behavior. He's never been abusive to me or anything, so it never felt dangerous or like a really "bad" situation. Mostly he just acts obnoxious, stumbles around, listens to music really loud, says hurtful things, and generally acts like a jerk. This relatively mild behavior has helped me stay in denial longer, I think. I was still halfway working the program, trying to detach, letting him suffer consequences (of which there are few, let me add, because he's structured his life that way: doesn't drive so no DWIs, only drinks beer so he can say he's not abusing his liver like "real" As, etc.) But anyway I was trying to let him find his own bottom and recovery when he needed to, not yelling, just handling my own feelings on my own and doing a pretty decent job of it, though I'm by no means perfect.

Some of my boundaries: I don't buy beer for him and don't drive him to the store for more beer when he wants some. (He's so delusional that he still buys one six pack to start with, thinking he'll stop there.) Of course he still asks for me to take him to the store and (when I say no) spends money on a cab to get more beer. Even has the gall to ask me if I want anything from the store. I also don't let him sleep in the bed with me after he's been drinking, though he gives me attitude about that too lately. I'm trying my best to shrug it off and realize it's the disease talking, but it's hard.

So last week I had enough and I told him that if he didn't get help, I was going to leave. I know ultimatums don't work and I honestly wasn't trying to set one, just warn him of what was coming. (I told him all of this, btw, I guess one good thing about our relationship is that we've always been able to talk honestly about stuff.) I told him, "I just want you to know what I've been thinking so that if one day I leave you, it won't be out of the blue." And you know what he said? "Oh, it wouldn't be out of the blue." So he KNOWS his disease is destroying our relationship, but he continues to drink ANYWAY. What a baffling disease! Then a few days ago he said he wasn't willing to give up on the last 6 years and he was going to get help and yadda yadda yadda. I felt really good about that conversation that day, felt like he was giving sobriety and our marriage another change. And he did make a phone call to a local Aism agency to meet with a counselor to figure out if in- or out-patient treatment is better for him, but that's not until after the holidays. And in the meantime, is he trying his best and going to AA meetings? Nope, he's drinking every other day. *sigh*

Anyway, so here I am. Back in the program, trying to get to f2f meetings (they're very inconvenient in our area) more and trying to detach because, honestly, I just don't know that I can face a lifetime of this. I keep going back and forth. Sometimes I want to GET OUT RUN RUN RUN from this toxic man because he will never get better and why torture myself in the meantime? And then sometimes I think that I'm 32 and I really want a child badly and he can give that to me and shouldn't I give him a chance? Is one year in a marriage too short a time? Which is more powerful, hope or reality?

Ultimately, I want to leave with love, though, through the doors of peace, as they say. So I'm working on that. I have one more semester in school and our lease is up in July. I will not be stuck without a Bachelor's degree and I won't get stuck with a broken lease, so I know I have that time with him. Time to figure it out.

Thank you for reading.



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"It's a job that's never started that takes the longest to finish." ~ J. R. R. Tolkien
canadianguy


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Thanks for the honest share.... as far as having children with this man, I'm obviously in no position to advise you either way, other than to suggest that you try to stick to the facts, and know what you are getting into....  he does not appear to be choosing sobriety at the moment, and there doesn't appear to be many indications that is likely changing anytime soon....  I'd encourage you to re-read your post, and maybe write down the pros & cons of things for you, and trying your best to keep in factual (as opposed to hopeful).

Hope that helps

Tom

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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"What you think of me is none of my business"

"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"

 

 

 

 
maresie


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Thank you so much for sharing.  In al anon we have a suggestion that it isn't a good idea to give an ultimatum unless you  mean it.  I've been there and done that so many times.  Eventually I got started on a plan be.  Believe me I crafted that for a long long time. The simple issue of making one helped me a great deal.  Just a suggestion.  I'm so glad you are here.

Maresie.

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maresie
intothewoods


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Thank you both!

I am definitely rethinking the child thing. Rereading that post showed me that... hey wait maybe that isn't the best idea! LOL I mean, the best case scenario is that he stays sober for the baby and then what? I get divorced anyway? With a kid? Doesn't sound like fun.

In general, I think I'm having trouble letting go of my dreams: a life with this man, a child, growing old happy together, that sort of thing.

Also, this is my Plan B. I have at least six months to work it out. I plan on separating our money after the holidays, for starters. Also applying for grad school in a different state (where my good friend lives. She offered me a place with her.) I'll probably take a little vacation after I graduate and visit my family to break the news to them. I'm thinking about things like this. It's just hard to balance this Plan B against the love I still have for him.

But I guess that's what Al-Anon is here for, right? :)

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"It's a job that's never started that takes the longest to finish." ~ J. R. R. Tolkien
Debilyn


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Very well said.

When I came here I read  a lot! All the experiences here are gold. I saw I was in no way alone and the disease has the same symptoms in other people who are addicts.

There is so much experience here. So many outcomes of major decisions. MANY of our members have kids.

They would be the best at sharing how it is to have children with an A.

For me, I had mine go away. I could not stand the behavior and refused to put them through it.

Addicts who use get worse not better.
We hope they can stay in recovery on a strong program the rest of their lives. Bless their hearts they are very, very sick.

I would ask myself would I want a child around the A when he uses? Would I ever be able to trust the A to have the child alone with out me?

Of course you love him, and it is up to you what you decide.

I am sad the reality of it is hitting you, it is hard to take I know. With Al Anon though there are miracles to be had.

Keep coming and sharing. love,debilyn

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"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
intothewoods


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Oh, Debi.

Your reply just made me break down in tears. The reality IS hitting me, and I'm grieving. I'm grieving over What Could Have Been... no, over What SHOULD Have Been, What I DESERVED, What The Disease Cheated Me Out Of.

And as for the child? I'm 32. I feel like I have 3 years (if that) or I might never be a mother. Never. That kills me. So I'm grieving over that too.

God, this hurts. This hurts very bad right now.

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"It's a job that's never started that takes the longest to finish." ~ J. R. R. Tolkien
maresie


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No one wants to make a plan be. The more you polish it up the less you will be o bessed with what he is doing, might do and has done.  I did not make a great plan be but it certainly took my mind off him.

maresie.

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maresie
Jerry F


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The word ultimatum in a discussion of alcoholism is more than a bit of an
oxymoron, especially when what ultimately happens is that the alcoholic
still drinks and I keep doing the same stuff that doesn't work for me.  In
the end however it ends up the consequences will be a result of what you
did as an individual and what he did as an individual and what you've done
as a couple.   If nothing changes; nothing changes is what we say in the
program.  The consequences remain the same and with alcoholism being a
progressive disease it will predictably get worse.  You are not responsible
for his drinking and there is nothing you are or can do that will get him sober.
If he doesn't want to be sober and is doing what practicing alcoholics do then
the outcome is the same.  

When one thing changes...just like putting a dime in a gumball machine and
all balls shift so that one can come out...things will change and not all for the
better for everyone.  You may get better and he worse; however isn't it that
you want to get better and that you are willing to stay with a drunk because
you love him and have hope for him and think he will come thru on his promises?
That is what I did and my spouse was owned and loved and in love more with
alcohol than myself...pain...hurt...real.

If you are not already attending face to face meetings of the Al-Anon family
Groups I suggest that you go as quickly as you possibly can and with the most
wide open mind sit down and listen to others like the membership here who
have been and maybe still are where you are at the moment.  Listen for the
similarities and not differences.  Alcoholism is predictable and its victims are
legion.   Keep coming back here and get as much information and literature
on the disease you are living within.  In support (((((hugs))))) smile

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Mattie


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You sound like you have a lot of awareness -- I wish I'd had as much so early in the game.  But I also notice that he has a lot of good intentions and promises about what's going to happen, but it doesn't happen.  That's been such a challenge for me -- to look at what's actually happening, instead of what's being said and promised.  I think they really do believe that they're going to stop drinking (usually by sheer willpower), just not quite yet.  That's part of why they're so convincing.  The other reason is that we're so full of hope.

Apologies if this is too graphic, but when you say that he can give you a baby, that's true, but you can also get one from a s---- bank.  The problem isn't the pregnancy but what happens next.  After several years of trying it, I can say that for me, actually raising a baby with someone who's drinking is my idea of hell.  Apart from the pain, frustration, worry because you can't leave your child with them (imagine coming home and finding the man passed out while the baby cries -- or the man has gone to get beer and left the baby alone) -- apart from that, basically you have two kids, but one of them is an adult.

If you decide that moving on is what's best for you and children you might have down the line, remember that 32 is really not very old.  You have plenty of time to make things come together.  I don't want to minimize the problems of diminishing fertility, but I had my child at 43 with no medical intervention.  It's hard to second-guess the future.  Do take care of yourself as best you can.  Keep coming back.

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Debilyn


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I wanted to encourage you.

There is no use worrying over things that we honestly don't know about! Or things we cannot control honey.

I want you to know, in my circle through the years, many women had kids into their 40's. One gal was 49! All had beautiful healthy kids.

We have to be more careful as we get older but again times have changed. We are living longer, menopause is happening later.

With first marriages failing, many want to have kids with next partner when they are older.

YES when we start really seeing, it is horrible hard on us. Learning is very painful. In the long run though it makes us into better people.

We here do care, and we will support you through this if you like.

I am past all what you are going thru. Even the pain I went thru is hard for me to remember.

So please know it will get better, I promise.

Much love,debilyn



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
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