I know one reason I stayed with the ex A was that all his chaos, confusion, demands meant I could not focus on myself at all.  In fact I really feel he felt that if I had a moment to myself it was somehow stolen from him.  He complained when I was grieving about my mother's sudden death that I was not paying attention to the fact he had also lost his father 10 years previously.  He felt his mother had not allowed room for him to grieve and how dare I take on the idea I could do it!!!!!

After watching the movie Precious on the weekend I am all the more aware, every single thing I had to adapt to as a child in order to survive, denial, dissociation, no ability to reflect on my experience at all (after all I could not know I was abandoned) unresolved abandonment issues, deprivation issues I never named but instead fled into fantasy about, the list is a long one.  All those things that absolutely saved me as a child because back then there was no way I had the ability to deal with it.  Who would guess those same survival skills so finely honed to not know would set me up for being with alcoholics.  if you've been abused as a child there are no red flags, there is no ability to reflect this is not someone who can help me or even wants to.  For me abandonment issues meant I put up with anything and everything in order to stave off those feelings which often felt like dying.  The ex A among many others used them to give himself all the power.  There is no question the ex A had many of his own issues ( I no longer focus on his issues) but there is also no question he used, abused and thrilled over being able to manipulate me over mine.

Mareis.e