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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Do I ask my husband what part in kids lives
Post Info TOPIC: Do I ask my husband what part in kids lives
cmh2009


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Do I ask my husband what part in kids lives
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My husband and I have been separated for just over a month.  Due to his alcohol use he came home from a bad day and work and took it out on our teenager and made threats to myself, this is not a normal occurance - the violence but the drinking is the norm.  The police were called and he was removed and charged.  He has since made virtually no contact to the other children when he is free to do so.  They are suffering with the loss, do I ask him what part he will be playing in their lives or how do I deal with this?  I am desperate for assistance for the kids sake.

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canadianguy


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Wow CMH, that's a biggie, and too big for me to give any advice on....  All I learned, is that you can really only be responsible for your relationship with your children, and not his....  My sponsor used to remind me, over & over again, that all I can really do is reassure my kids that they are loved and they are safe.....  I learned to not get too involved in their relationship with their mother, even when they asked me to....

Hope that helps
Tom

p.s. welcome to MIP - glad u are here!

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RLC


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I agree with Tom. If I could add anything it would be for you to take care of yourself first. If you don't, who will? If you do you will be better able to take care of your children. The best way for you to start taking care of yourself is to start attending face to face Al-Anon meetings in your area. You will find the help you need in the rooms of Al-Anon, and lots of caring, knowledgeable members who are walking in your shoes. There is a bond and closeness among members that can not be explained. Members will gladly share their experience, strength, and hope with you and you can start your road to recovery. Alocholism is a powerful disease that takes over the mind, body, and spirit of the alocholic. It is progressive and only continues to get worse. The meetings will be a lifeline for you. But, most important, you will not be alone anymore.

Keep comimg back to MIP.

HUGS,
RLC

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Debilyn


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Welcome.

For me, I did what Tom said. I left it up to the dad. I cannot control anyone but me.

Just kept us busy doing family things, kept involved with their Grammy and their friends.

I don't remember if my son asked, but I probably said,"I don't know what makes him not come around." Made it clear it was not my sons fault.I never put A down.

It is a hard place to be, we love our kids so much, we always will no matter what age.

You being a good mom will make ALL the difference. love, debilyn



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abbyal


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JUst my opinion but asking a practicing alcoholic is futile ,they truly mean to keep promises , disease just won't allow it . Your other children can attempt to have a relationship with him if they choose . I hope u have been honest with them about what happened when u called the police ., the sooner they know why the better .  This is a progressive disease and it only gets worse never better , u have a right to live threat free , your not responsible for your husb behavior .  iwould encourage the kids to call him if they choose , but its thier relationship let them deal with it .   Louise 



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cmh2009


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Thank you all for the suggestions, they do help. The kids were there and actually were the ones to call the police so they are aware of what happened and we have discussed it that his behaviour did not leave us much choice other than to phone for help. Hubby is very angry that we did that and that he now has to deal with a lawyer and charges and has yet to do anything abut despite having to go to court in early January. I would like no charges as it would affect his work and assisting the kids financially would be severely impacted, I don't know if this is selfish on my part but it would impact the kids immensely. He is helping out in that area right now.I don't know what his rock bottom is but I guess he isn't there yet, that part is amazing and I don't know what it would take to get him to see what alcohol is doing to his life and everyone around him. At least the kids and I are not subjected to it everyday!

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blender_girl


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(((cmh)))

I feel for you. I'd like to suggest that you advise your kids' school counselor of the situation if you haven't already. This can be a great resource to help you all through this drama. It also gives your kids the opportunity to get information and share their feelings with someone who is not as close to the situation and who can be more objective.

The other replies so far encouraging you to take care of yourself are spot on - you are so worth it and so are your kids. Get to meetings, read all the literature you can get your hands on, get a sponsor - in other words, get education and support for YOU. This ultimately helps your kids as they see you getting healthier. If your kids are old enough, you might want to consider Alateen for them as well.

Also, as others have indicated, asking for and expecting rational input and decisions from an A who is not in any form of recovery is futile.  This is a hard truth I am finally beginning to accept.  It's very very sad and I feel for my children.  But that is HIS choice and it's up to us to respect that and respond accordingly in an appropriate matter.  Simple, but not easy by any stretch of the imagination.

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

bg

-- Edited by blender_girl on Thursday 17th of December 2009 01:39:43 PM

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cmh2009


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Thank you for your reply.  My kids all teenagers have denied that it has impacted them and would not take part in counselling at all.  I have not told their school counsellor but that might not be a bad idea as I have noticed changes in each of them in different ways, one blames the other for not even talking to dad and that we are giving him enough help but doesn't know what help we should be giving them and the other one is withdrawing to his room and does not phone his dad as he is scared to get him when he has been drinking.  Like a revolving door.  My AH is mad at me that I called the cops but still will not accept that it was his drinking and behaviour that didn't leave us any other option.  This detachment is one of the hardest to deal with yet I know that he is the only one that can help himself.

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