Brand new to all of this - Al-Anon Family Group

pixie711 · Newbie

Brand new to all of this

Hawk120025 · Veteran Member

Pixie,

I feel your pain and confusion. It wasn't that long ago I broke up with my ABF.

My recommendation - although it's very difficult and confusing - is to let him have him space to do what he needs to do. You need to take this time to create your space and work on getting yourself better.

You can't smother. You can't fix him. You can't help him get better. Only he can do that. And why do you want to be where you aren't wanted? It will only create more animosity toward you, especially while he's in no condition to think rationally. You can only focus on you and your well-being.

I truly know what it feels like to have a broken heart (and I'm still struggling with it) but I feel you really need to detach from him and work on yourself. Let him do what he needs to do.

For us rational thinkers it's comforting for us that they know we care and want them to get better, but in their mind it doesn't matter. In fact, frequently the A will look down on you for caring because they aren't in any position to even give a hoot themselves. They feel they aren't worthy.

What in the world should you do? Detach. Let him have his space. Grieve, cry, scream, yell and pray for God's will. He will make things clear just as he did with me. I didn't want to end my relationship, but knew I had to.

Take care and hang in there.
Hollie

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Pixie...What should you do? For me going after my own peace of mind
and sanity as tenaciously as I did my alcoholic's sobriety worked for me. I'm
still here and checking in.   I don't know if my alcoholic wife ever got to Mexico
we parted about 5 times during an almost 4 year marriage (don't wish that on
anyone) but she made it lots of other places including hospitals, clinics,
institutions, ambulances and where ever. I suggest that you get the white
pages of your local telephone book and look for the Al-Anon hotline number
and get the local meeting places and times so that you can hook up with
those folks. The program is a life saver not to mention mind, emotions and
spirits too.   Welcome to MIP. Stick around with the family and help us get
well too.    (((((hugs))))) smile

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to al-anon & MIP. No one can tell you what to do, this is your life and u have to live with the consequences of your actions.

After years in this program and learning about A's and aisms (the behaviors, some of which we also do) I would not chase an A or a man but that is only after trying to chase them for most of my lifetime.

Best way to help him, is to learn the ways in which you enable, work on YOU, focus on you and determine your true needs versus your wants. Learn to detach with love from what he is or is not doing. You cant confront an A about their disease bc for them, they just get into a fight with YOU and they are removed from rationally arguing about their disease. They have to face it squarely, in their own heads. Focus on you, grow and flourish. The more u focus on someone else, the more u loose yourself and feed the disease, for you both.

Al-anon suggests you go to meetings for six months before making life altering decisions. Learn about the disease and your part in it. You can be happy in spite of what he is doing or not doing.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I can tell by the feeling of your letter you are a sweet person. I relate to your wanting him to know you care.

I can tell you I betcha anything he already knows. You were friends and more, he shared with you what he didn't want anyone else to know.

If he did not ask for no contact, would it hurt to just send him quick texts to say you are thinking of him?

Hon I remember there were times in my marriage that I went into "friend" mode with my AH. To me that part of us was better than anything. When he got into a mood, or was feeling bad, my just being there for support helped him.

Keep coming back. love,debilyn

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.