The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
During the past two days I have done a lot of reflecting on my personal issues and character "traits" (hate to use the word flaws).
I've realized that a lot of my anxiety about my upcoming surgery is more likely than not a product of me NOT being able to be in control.......something I am NOT good at. I'm literally trusting my life and basically my son's future to someone else and I HATE it!
I've also realized that WHAT YOU FOCUS ON THE LONGEST BECOMES THE STRONGEST, and have allowed myself to be perpetually drawn to the "dark side" of things this week and last. I do also realize that a huge part of that is medication also at the current time and the depression it is causing, and I also realize that will pass in time and I must merely allow myself to feel what I feel-which for me feeling anything other than anger and resentment has become huge.
The thing I have the hardest time with is Letting Go and NOT taking it back.......I know it. I realize it. And when I finally come to the place that I can do it, that I can turn it over........I take it back!!! Every single time I take it back. Over and over and over again, I turn it over to my HP and then take it back and try once again to control it or the outcome.
Instead what happens is I become so focused on the person or thing I am trying to let go of that it reaches a point where my focusing on the person or thing is controlling me........What I am trying to let go of is in effect getting sooo much of my attention that it is controlling me, and I am struggling to control it or them and I take it back-thinking to myself "I got this one HP", knowing all the while that my will usually bites me in the butt, and that my HP knows what is best for me and everything is part of His plan.
So my question is this.........How do you let go of things, turn it over and NOT take it back over and over again? How do you just say "ya know what I'm having surgery-no biggie, no worries.......you take care of it God?" and then NOT give it another thought or second of control?????
I'd love to hear some ESH on this topic....
shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Everything about program, for me is like an experiment - I try to apply it until I can apply it. It takes practise bc this is a new skill. Yes, I did take it back after giving it over, what I had to do was continue to give it over, every time I took it back. It was bc I had fully accepted my powerlessness and merely old habits (which are hard to break). So u keep practising and working on it. I think u may also be getting into the area of faith, having faith (& trust) that HP can & will take care of you. Hp will take care of you & has ur best interest at heart.
Keep surrendering it shelly, & giving it over. Then get back to focusing on you. What u are discovering is yes, what we focus on grows. If u want control over yourself, focus on YOU & keep practising. Once u notice/have the awareness that u are focusing on anything but you (other people, the future), bring ur attention back to you, in the here and now.
The faster u realize what ur doing & regain ur own focus, that is good practise & what u have to keep doing. Put ur blinders on & go into bulldog mode (a bulldog clamps down and wont let go, brings down a huge bull). You can do it, sure it is not easy bc the old tapes/habit are so difficult to change but ur doing it, keep it up.
I like to go even further too, by focusing on our gratitude lists & magnify those things that allow u to feel the happiest for, no matter how small they are, they all add to our new improved, grateful & appreciative understandings. You are not alone.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
