The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was in an open AA meeting this morning. A fellow al-anon shared that he was angry that particular family members would call his alcoholic before they went out to dinner and ask if she minded if they drank. He was angry that the family members wouldn't give up alcohol for one meal. He said that he had given up alcohol to support her.
So that made me wonder if giving up alcohol as an al-anon is something we're supposed to do or something that is the norm. One time when I was obsessing about my husband being out late drinking and not knowing where he was, etc., my sponsor at the time told me that nothing I did could make him either drink or not drink - part of the 3 C's. Okay, I got it. I've used what she said a lot. Based on what she said, it would seem to follow that if I had a drink at a holiday party next weekend, this isn't a problem because I can't make my husband drink - just like I can't stop him if he decides he's going to.
I just can't shake what the other person said in the meeting, though. If I need to abstain it's no issue. I can take alcohol or leave it. I'm just kinda uncertain - is thinking that I should be changing my behavior to accomodate his disease part of my own disease? Or is there really no issue if I have a glass of wine?
WR I checked into this thread thinking it was something entirely else...and it was very helpful. There was always a question about my own alcohol consuption and my alcoholic wife wished she could drink like me seemingly with abandon and rarely having the outside appearance of being drunk. Both of us and my family of orgin used the wrong measuring stick and didn't know about the disease. I stopped drinking because it was such an issue in our family and I just stopped. My spouse was my drinking partner and I didn't stop because it might trigger her if I did...to me she wasn't an alcoholic. To me she was just a bad person when she drank and then she was doing it to personally hurt me...Poor Me such a reason to drink...LOL. Anyhow my spouse chased my drinking or kind of drinking and my experience is that if that is an issue and you care about the alcoholic do your glass of wine out of sight. It makes good sense if you care. He will have tons of other excuses and justifications and your glass of wine won't be one of them. I know that if my spouse continued to chase my drinking she would have died as a result for many reasons. By the way you might just want to check out your own drinking history and style and get any of those personal questions out in the open and taken care of. I took the assessment finally after 9 years in Al-Anon and the next Friday was in my first open AA meeting for myself. The color of my skin changed to a normal flesh color from a yellowish/green tint just after my 5th anniversary in Al-Anon and after having no alcohol for that period of time. The best way to catch a rat in a trap is to bait the trap. (((hugs)))
As it says in our literature there are no musts in our program no rules , my sons drink occasionally but never in front of thier father . out of respect for him and his struggle . I had long ago lost my taste for alcohol because of what it did to our family , but feel that out of respect for his efforts I too would not drink in front of him . Just me I was not a big drinker anyway two and i was asleep hehe or sick . I have several friends in prog who occasionally drink , it is an individual thing no right or wrong answer , again just my opinion . Louise
As the others have said it is an individual choice..no right or wrong.
I just have two things I have heard from speakers over the years that made really good sense to me.
One thing is that as the spouse of a recovering alcoholic be respectful. I would not drink in front of my partner. And please if you do have your glass of wine out of sight of your spouse, make sure you rinse your mouth out before you kiss them.
Also, sometimes I have heard of spouses who take the, "it's their problem not mine" to the point of having alcohol in the house for their own consumption or to have in case guests come by who would want it. I heard a speaker say that logic would make it necessary to keep lines of cocaine out "just in case". "We don't snort ourselves, mind you, but if you want to indulge help yourself!"
I won't drink with my AH, who is not in recovery. I just feel on my own part, it's telling him I think it's totally fine.
That said, I can't protect him from everything. If other people who know he has a problem choose to drink around him, that's their choice. As was said earlier, it is entirely up to the alcoholic his- or herself to drink. Just because someone else is having a drink, doesn't mean the alcoholic has to have a drink..
