The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Some of you may recall that I was feeling unhappy with my Sponsor. I felt as though she wasn't listening to me the way I needed her to, that she'd interject and it always seemed like she was waiting on the edge of her seat to speak her mind and experiences, rather than just give the chance to clear out my mind.
The other issue was that she had broke someone else's anonymity and that made me nervous and uncomfortable. She advised me that I could tell a particular alternative health practioner in my town about my being in Alanon, because this practioner has "been through it". At that time she told me that she didn't think this practisioner would mind her anonymity being broken, but not to tell her that she told me.
Well, I decided that I was going to talk to my Sponsor about this. I called her on the phone (face to face conversations aren't always feasible for me due to single parenting and working fulltime) and I told my Sponsor that I was feeling uncomfortable about her revealing this other person's anonymity and experience with Alanon and I didn't feel it was information that I was entitled to and that it makes me question if my information that I've shared with her is at risk of being revealed, etc. My Sponsor was really, really, really defensive. She told me that it wasn't a break of anonymity because this person is a alternative med. practicioner and that like her GP had introduced her to Alanon, it was relative to the care I was recieving (allergy testing for my son?) from this woman. My sponsor also said, that she was looking ahead with the relationship that I might have with this practioner and just knew this practioner would understand and that it would be another tying bond between the two of us...and then my Sponsor arrived at that she was sorry that she shouldn't have said it. At that point the call was uncomfortable and we ended the call.
Today, I wanted to drop off a Christmas item I had made my Sponsor a couple weeks back. I called her and she was very curt with me. I asked if I could drop something off and she hesitated and then said yes. I said, "it sounds like you're not sure if its a good time?" She explained it would be fine. So I proceeded to her house and gave her the gift. Her body language was that she was absolutely livid with me. She told me she wanted to discuss our last talk with me. That she does not regret telling me the information she did, that it was relavent to my son's care because not all physiological symptoms are physical, they can be emotional and this practioner should have the information needed to treat holistically. (I don't have a problem revealing MY information should I so choose, I didn't feel like I was entitled to have the information that the practioner "knows Alanon and has been through it". It is none of my business unless the practioner feels inclined to tell me.) My Sponsor proceeded to tell me that I blind sided her with the initial phone call, and conversations of that nature need to be had face to face and that she has welcomed me into her home and invited me to eat with her, and this is how I treat her? I did not say any more about it. (yay for me. I wasn't sure what to say, so I said nothing! Thats progress! NOrmally if I didn't know what to say, I'd just say all the wrong things anyway!)
This is a Sponsor with almost 30 years of Alanon. I thought I chose wisely but I feel like I'm being chatised by her. She clearly feels very betrayed by me. And I'm not sure what I did wrong.
On another note, I am seeing in my Sponsor the same qualities I myself have. When questioned about behaviour I too easily go into justify mode and defend mode. Instead of looking at the situation and saying, "yes, turns out I'm human and I've made a mistake, I'm sorry". I feel like my sponsor is mirroring some of the flaws in character that I myself possess. When we spoke on the phone she did eventually get at an "Im sorry I shouldn't have done that" but now, it sounds like she has spent countless hours going over in her mind why she was right. I do this too. And in all that I can actually convince myself that my behaviour was justifiable. And so, anyone who has a problem with something that I did will then become the enemy. I feel this is exactly what has happened here with my Sponsor. I had a problem with something SHE did and now I am the enemy. I am now treated poorly and with contempt. How many times have I done that to others? LOTS. Most frequently my husband. I wonder if my belief that he's the enemy these days was created mostly out of my own doing? As is such the situation between my Sponsor and I.
She may no longer be the right Sponsor for me, but even in learning that, I've gained a valuable lesson.
I definetely understand why you would feel betrayed by her, as she did expose you & out you breaking your anonymity. Look, anything between a health care practioner and the patinet is completely confidential information and she never should have butted in to your personal business. It is a breach of trust. I too would wonder what else she is or has said.
It is beautiful and insightful that you see that you share some traits and have done the same thing. I do think we are drawn to people that are at a similar place as us ~ like attracts like.
Learning to not JADE justify, argue, defend or explain my actions any more, has been most freeing/liberating. You're right, we're human and make mistakes.
Detach from her feelings and issues, it is her problem to face or not. Way to take ur lesson squarely on and deal with it.
You would think ppl that are long in program would have a rock solid one but it isnt always the case. Years in do not equate growth, per se.
For all of us, we need to work it our way, for us. Focus on you and detach from everything else, it's all you can do to stay sane & on track.
I honestly am baffled that she would say - you blindsided her. It sounds like she simply is in denial about it & trying hard not to take responsibility for her action/s.
I am sorry you were betrayed. It is obvious she knew it was wrong too, since she asked you specifically not to tell the practioner that she told you - we are only as sick as our secrets.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Wow...what a learning and growing time you are having!! Open minded to the max...might want to call your sponsor and offer a gratitude for the help. You did good with the listen only and don't react too!! Later on the wondering part gets answers if and when you get to ask your victims (like I did) what it was like to be treated by my old self. I learned from that too. You don't always have to like your sponsor...unconditional loving is not an option. Keep working the program...(((((hugs)))))
Wow, that is so insightful. I have been having a lot of these revelations lately as well. I have found that the things that annoy me the most about others are my own faults magnified greatly. I noticed that and put a lot of thought into it. I also like what you said about not reacting. This has been an issue for me reacting and escalating the situation and watching my ex ah and my oldest daughter the other night really showed me how childish and immature I look getting into it with her rather than just cutting it off. When you are emotionally vested in the debate it's so hard to be rational. Also, I have found that I react without thinking and usually regret my actions. I have been working on trying to wait 24 hours and think it through before taking an action when I am angry and this has been serving me fairly well. I have avoided some serious mistakes (usually vengeful or vendetta type mistakes) by stopping and thinking it through. I have had a whole lot of chaos going on lately and have been doing a lot of thinking. Thinking about my behavior, about the way others see me as a result, about the choices I make, and trying to turn a negative experience into a lesson and figure out what I am supposed to learn from it and where I should go next and even why this had to happen in my life. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and it is for me to find that reason and learn the lesson. I am glad to see someone else sharing the same kind of revelation, I'm glad it's not just me :).
