The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I need help. I actually need strength. I'm tired of dealing w/ my AH , who promises that he will "really work on" cutting his beer drinking down. He still has an alcoholic personality. He still blames me for everything. I am going to start going to f2f meetings next week but I am so frustrated and resentful that I have to go b/c of him ! HE is not going to AA. HE doesnt feel like he has a problem. I feel like I"m going nuts. How do I make this about myself instead of making it all about him? How can I grow from Al-Anon and become a better person through the program? I'm just angry, resentful, frightened........you name it. I wish I wasnt going through this but I'm not having a pity party for myself - thats not what this is all about. I just need a little guidance and direction right now. Thanks Jackie
Angel, I once felt like you . Why did I have to begin making changes when he obviously wasnt changing? Why did I have to give up my free time to read everything about addiction, go to meetings or come to this board? He was the one who made my life miserable, caused all the drama and chaos and pain afterall. Well, I kept going to meetings and kept reading and learning more and more but still was not convinced. One day I decided not to go to a meeting and his sponser came over and asked why i wasnt going. I told him I wasnt the A and I wasnt sick. He laughed and said well your A has the excuse of alcohol and drugs for being an idiot. Whats your excuse for being the one that stays and takes his crap? It hit me in the face like a ton of bricks, I was really sick too. Something was wrong with me for allowing this insanity to go on. It is a process, a learning experience and doesnt come easy, at least it didnt for me. But if you keep coming back, you will soon realize just how much you need the program. More so then the A needs AA I am still in the begining stages, fighting to live each day with some grasp of serenity and faith. I am soo sick, but the good news is, i know it now and can work to change me. Prayers are with you
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What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself. Hecato, Greek philosopher
Welcome - I just joined this site yesterday, but I already feel like it's a great place to be.
I've been going to f2f meetings for about a year and a half now. I was in a similar place as you at one point in my life. My ex-alcoholic husband and I had just separated and I was going nuts. I couldn't think about anything else, couldn't focus on my job, had panic attacks, cried, etc. It was awful. A counselor I saw suggested Al-Anon, and I went to one meeting. I saw a room full of people and heard them saying how the program had helped them, but I don't think I was ready to be helped yet. I didn't understand that I was in need of Al Anon because of my own sickness, not because of his. It took me another couple of years to recognize that, and to come back.
Alcoholism is a family disease. We get so used to life revolving around an unpredictable alcoholic that we can lose ourselves in the chaos. For me, my life completely revolved around my ex husband's drinking. I would stay up when he didn't come home and wait for him, crying, screaming, on the verge of a meltdown because I didn't know where he was. I would feel physically ill. I didn't see a way out. It took a long time for me to feel better - I wasn't working a program of my own then. When I finally joined Al Anon for real, I found a community of others with similar situations to my own. I learned that I didn't have to sit around waiting for him or for anyone, and in fact, it was harmful for him for me to clean up his messes and straighten out all the trouble he made when he was drinking. I learned to worry about myself instead. It's certainly not perfect for me now, but I'm in such a better place than when I first got here. Now, if my husband didn't come home and I was home alone and tired, I'd just go to bed.
I believe that alcoholism is a disease. I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. When I truly began to believe these things, I started to be able to walk away from bad situations without getting sucked into arguments, blame, shame, or anything else.
I could have written your exact post abotu 17 years ago.
I was angry and resentful that I had to give up MY time to go to meetings when HE was the one with the probllem. Not so at all. Once I started workging the alanon progran...attending tons and tons of meetings and reading everything I coudl get my hands on, I began to not feel so crazy. I learned I didn't cause it. can't control it and can't cure it. I can only change ME. I can't change the alcholic. So I started working on changing my own ways of seeing things. I learned acceptance. I learned gratitude. I learned to use steps and slogans to deal with life ing eneral.
Now 17 years later, I am in good shape. I am stil married. He's still drinking. I am still attending my weekly f2f emetings and sponsor three people there and one online. My life has changed. today I dont have a hissy fit when I come home from work and he's drunk. Today I make my own choices. Today I dont allow is owrds or actions to spoil my day. I have peace and serenity in my life and it feels great!
I still love my husband. I jsut dont like his disease. I have learned to accept he's ana slcoholic and he drinks. That's what alcoholics do. It's nothign that is in any way my fault or my responsibility/ I have 2 jobs and I love both of them. I find lots of job in helping others at my jobs. It's like a vacation segveral hours each day from what may or may not be going on at home. (he does nto drink every day...but he has all of the bo-polar side effects that we deal with daily)
I wish you the best. Just keep coming back. Keep going to your meetings. You'll soon see you are not the only one who feels those same frustrations. You'll never have to face this alone again.
I definitely resented the issues my now ex A brought on. Now I see I always had issues. You can go to meetings here if that is more convenient for you. I know I took years and years to be ready for al anon.
