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Hi ... I'm new and this is my first post here. I'm not new to alcoholism. My mom is still an active alcoholic (she was for the majority of my childhood), my ex husband is an alcoholic, and my new husband is in recovery. That's a lot of alcoholism.
I've been going to f2f Al Anon meetings for about a year and a half. I've come a long way. I spent 8 years completely miserable in a marriage I couldn't bring myself to leave because I was scared he wouldn't be able to take care of himself if I wasn't there. Hehehe - it's all about me, right? ;)
I've certainly made progress, but I'm stumbling. I was reaching out to connect to some other Al-Anons on here because I can't always get to f2f meetings anymore. I have a 2 month old baby and I work full time, so it's a challenge. My husband (we've been married for 3 whole days! lol - together for about a year and a half) is in recovery, as I already said. At one time, he had about 5 years of sobriety and then relapsed. I met him when he was going in and out of AA. At present, he has about 9 months of sobriety. I have been grateful for every day of it - grateful that I went though pregnancy with a partner who was both physically and emotionally present that I could count on.
I'm stumbling, though. My husband is working on his 4th step. I'm so nosy - I found it and read it when he wasn't home. I immediately knew I was wrong, and just looking for trouble. Sure, I read a bunch of stuff I was happier not knowing. I'm trying to forget about it because it happened before I even knew him. At the same time, I'm scared that similar things are going to happen now. This whole situation was created by the fact that I didn't respect his boundaries. Why can't I just let him work a good program the way he is and get the heck out of the way?
I feel so insecure, like things are just going too well and I'm waiting for something bad to happen. And in some ways, I wonder after I do things like reading his 4th step, if I'm unconsciously trying to sabatoge something good by looking for the catch. I was happy before I took the focus off myself and started digging.
I could really use some positive words about how I can get back on track. I don't like feeling like this. So far today I've done well. His computer is sitting on the table open and I haven't touched it to see what he's up to (he was also a porn addict while he was actively drinking). I've asked God to help me to focus on myself and leave him alone, and I've been able to do it. I could just use a positive word or any experience any of you may have.
Forgive yourself. You had a relapse, a slip. It happens.
I did the same sort of thing. I found evidence of my ex's affair and in the immediate aftermath, I was so very sorry that I had snooped. Today, I have forgiven myself for what I did. I did the best I could with what I had at the time. Once I know better, then it is up to me to do better. I get to decide today how I want my lif to go and he kind of person I want to be.
"Anonymity is the spritual foundations of all our traditions ever reminding us to place principles before personalities."
A practicing member of both programs would not spill the beans on you so with this recovering family your slip is safe, held in confidence with love. When you get to your own 4th step you will want to revisit your own moral behavior and include this event at all costs or maybe carry the fear of being found out and facing what ever consequence that arrives. One of my very first sponsors alerted me to, "Do nothing to stand in the way of any other persons recovery and that stuck with me because I had come to believe that continuing to drink the way an alcoholic does would result in insanity and or death. Knowing how the alcoholic loves to blame others for being the reason why they drink, and being at one time that person for blame, doing anything risky such as previewing a members 4th step even before their sponsor gets to hear it is unacceptable any way I would attempt it.
Push come to shove the membership of Al-Anon always supports the recovery program of Alcoholics anonymous. We wish and hope for the same in return.
If you have a sponsor. I would talk this out with that sponsor. I would hold it up to the light of the serenity prayer also and turn it over to HP of course.
When he finds out how bad could it get? How bad has it gotten? Al-Anon summed up the 12 steps for me so that I could come to a clearer easier understanding of the program. Steps 1-3 is Trust God. 4-11 is clean my own house and 12 is Help Others.
Keep coming back. MIP can help alot when you won't/can't get to meetings.
Yes, we all slip even alanons. I agree, talk it out with a sponsor, forgive yourself. Slips helps us reaffirm what we really want. Get back with the tools, read the literature, work the steps, focus on YOU (not his program or what he is &/or is not doing), love you first and forgive this.
I too wanted to snoop, spy, watch, police, safe guard ~ I cannot keep them on the right track, the best I can do is keep me on the right track. You say u prayed and were able to focus back on you, great work! It took me a long time to get that I was totally unequivocably - powerless over others but I could control myself and that is all any of us can do. We have to accept other people where they are at& the choices they make. They have their own life & we have ours.
Do not project about tomorrow or next month or next year! All that does is takes u away from reality which is right now, today. Also when ur not foucsed on you, u are losing yourself and feeding the disease. When I realized that, it became much easier for me to stay on my chosen path of recovery from insanity. Also, focusing on the future (which none of us can control) creates tons of fear for you today. Once I got into today & right now, much of my fear dissipated.
You know how it feels to have snooped, you can make a new choice each day not to bother doing that.
I can tell you (Im acoa too) once I was able to stop obsessing on my parents and get focused on me (as a 37 year old) - low and behold, after that they were happier to see me! They didnt know what I had done differently but they could feel something was different.
This site has a chat room that has 24/7 chat and 2 daily mtgs in there, please check itout some time. There is always someone in there to chat with live, that can relate to what youre going through. If no one is there, wait a five minutes, ppl stream in at all hours from all over the world.
mtg hours are:
Meeting schedule: Monday-Friday...9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10am, 9pm EST(newcomers)and 9pm EST, Sunday: 10am and 7pm EST. _____ UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.
Take care of YOU whatever that looks like.
-- Edited by kitty on Friday 11th of December 2009 07:51:52 AM
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
(((((White Rabbit)))) Let me extend you a warm welcome from the World's BIGGEST Snoop. I have done it all and it a LOT of crazy ways!
And it took me a long time, and I am still learning, but you are a VERY smart woman! I learned and am learning that when I snoop I hurt me-it does nothing to the other person.
You are really doing a great job! You realize that keeping the focus on YOU is the best way to do things......I have struggled over and over with that one, and my first sponsor hit the nail on the head when she told me.....I was at my happiest and healthiest when I was focusing on me and working the steps.....and she was right.
Take care of you, and focus on you!!!!
Keep coming back-Shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Thanks everyone, for your kind replies. I'm going to keep working on me - the only thing I can do! I thought through the whole snooping thing on the way to a job assignment an hour away this morning. Snooping has no positives. Lol. In the beginning, I rationalized that I was looking for whatever it was that would hurt me later - kind of a preemptive strike thing. But after a year and a half in the program, I realize that it doesn't help. I don't save any pain by snooping and finding out stuff. I cause chaos and drama in relationships and hurt myself really bad whether I "find" anything (or think I find something) or not. Just ... booooo.
So I prayed and didn't snoop today - I haven't snooped since the incident I wrote about, but I keep praying about it. It just felt so bad. I can definitely learn from it and try not to do it again.
Progress, not perfection ...
-- Edited by White Rabbit on Friday 11th of December 2009 08:21:11 PM
