The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, I am still fairly new to this site and this is only my second posting. I have commented once or twice and I read other people's postings. It's comforting to know other people can relate. I know I need to go to Al-ANON meetings. It's just not that easy...with sharing a car and all with my ABF.
The last time I posted I decided that I had enough and threatened to leave my bf if he didn't get help with his drinking. I was sick of it. I kicked him out of the house and everything. That was a pretty big deal for me/us. I had never done anything like that. Well, after talking he said "I'm not stupid, I'll do anything to keep you, I love you". So, instead of making him go to rehab like I should have I decided that we would go see a couple's therapist who specializes in substance abuse/addiction. I figured he could meet with her one on one as well. I thought that I would let her make the decision to send him to rehab if he needed it. We went once and I left there feeling like a crazy person. She said that she didn't think he was an alcoholic but that he uses alcohol as a way to cope with his stress. She suggested that he cut back/down on how much he drinks. HA! Stupid. I feel like going and seeing her basically gave him permission to keep drinking. As soon as we left the therapy session he "had" to have a beer with his buddy. I wanted to go back and just see if we talked more maybe she would see that there is more of a problem and that he really is an alcoholic because at this point, I truly believe that he is. He weaseled (sp?) his way out of going again (I forgot to mention that he tried to weasel his way out of the first appt!). Well, we haven't been back-this all happened in October. And, since then things have progressively gotten worse to the point that I feel like we are back to where we were before I "kicked" him out. God, Why? He got totally wasted this past Saturday night and to me, it felt like a slap in the face. After what we just went through in October....for him to go out and get trashed like that? Right after I kicked him out and then let him come home because he promised to get help and change things he was all about being "sober" "I'm sober now" Telling his friends. Saying it to me....and he was for a few weeks. Then slowly it crept up and here we are again. I am more miserable than I have ever been. So now, I ask myself Do I stay or do I go? He and I have been together since I was 18 years old. I am now 24 and we have a 2 year old daugher together. It's not just the drinking that I have issues with...I am now starting to realize and notice that he doesn't always treat me so well. He doesn't always treat me like an equal. He talks down to me sometimes and acts like he's better than me. This has worn away at my self-esteem. And, I think it has been going on a lot longer than I realize. I am definitely not the same person I was when we first started dating. Of course, I was so young, but besides that, I was so confident in myself and strong and didn't take crap from anyone! lol. ANd, now, I feel like I am his personal doormat. I feel like he doesn't respect me, appreciate me and sometimes even love me. He says he does...but actions speak louder than words. And, his actions lately, over the last year, are not very loving. The thought of leaving him and this crappy relationship excites me, actually. I want to be selfish for once. I am sick of waiting around for him to get his shit together. To quit drinking, OH! and I also forgot to add that he is a BIG pothead. I never really had a problem with pot. But, it's to the point now where I'm like...ok you're 27 years old. We have a 2 year daughter. GET YOUR xxxx TOGETHER!!!! I am just sick of waiting around for that to happen. I am ready to start a new chapter in my life. ANd, honestly, why should I stay? What has he done to show and prove to me that he even deserves me anymore? Absolutely NOTHING. I am sick of being hurt, I am sick of being sad, I am sick of being depressed and hating life. I want to love life and enjoy life and be a positive role model for my daughter. Whew. Thanks for letting me vent......
-- Edited by canadianguy on Thursday 10th of December 2009 08:55:18 PM
I don't have much advice to give but I wanted to say how much I feel your pain. The decision to stay or leave is a very touch one with an alcoholic we love. I have been with my AF/boyfriend for 2 years. In that time he has been sober and drinking, living with me, living apart from me. This past binge he went on I really had to search my soul whether I was going to stay with this or walk away from it. It is a huge personal decision that takes the strength to go to the depths of one's soul! This path can only be walked alone and only you can know what decision is right for you. For me it was the decision to stay, to commit to him and our love whether he was drinking or in sobriety. All of my friends don't understand, but it was/is a personal decision I recommit to everyday. The only way I can do it is through alanon, this online board, chat room and face to face meetings. You have come to a decision, make sure you get support for yourself and stay with alanon whether you are with him or not.
My thoughts are with you. I know its very hard whether you decide to stay together or to be apart. Neither decision is easy.
Aloha Hopeful...Might you consider leaving thru the doors of the Al-Anon Family Groups? What I mean by that is instead of just running away from it all including your part in the problem, get into the program and to face to face meetings for a year and then try looking at the situation from that time. When you get a better look at the picture which will includes your part in the whole thing...your perspective will be clearer. You will be better informed and with a more valuable experience. Get to the meetings near you, get as much literature at those meetings as you can, meet others who have been or are where you are right now (some very exactly) and sit down and listen with an open mind. Listen for the suggestions and follow thru on them before you make "the" decision. Keep coming back....(((((hugs)))))
I was also a "take no cr*p" person when I mey my BF and I went from a rock to a slug! He tells me I'm his world and he loves me, then sh*ts all over me and I take it!
My self esteem is in the toilet
Now havng said that., are you sure this therapist was an addiction therapist? She sounds like a jerk! I too went to couples therapy with my BF, but she has NO background in addictions and codependency. She was a nightmare and also gave my BF ammo. I'll give a quick example. She told me after the FIRST session, I had control issues (no kidding, I am a codie) and that my mistrust of my BF was all in my head. When she didn't even want to hear what I found on him that causes the mistrust.
You need to be very cautious with therapists because many of them are mentally unstable themselves. I've been to other therapist for my anxiety disorders and issues with an illness I have and it took me a few to find one who "got it".
Forget about going to therapy with your BF, go alone, find a good therapist (social workers I find are WAY more knowledable than phd's) and go to Al Anon. Like Jerry said, leave through those doors.
When you're clear minded you can leave w/out all the emotional mess.
I feel your pain......I hope you keep posting
-- Edited by Dyinginside on Friday 11th of December 2009 09:55:43 AM
This all sounds so much like my story. My BF has just finished his second stint in rehad and I am hopeing that this time it will work. The only issue is now he is removed from me and our son. I know that it will take time, but it still scares me.
Thank you all so much. I have had time to calm down since writing that. I am so confused right now it's unreal. To stay or leave? I am going to take your advice and go to f2f al-anon meetings, get as much information as I can...before I make "the decision". This is just so hard. Being in a relationship like this sucks! I know I could leave, I'm not "stuck". It's just that deep down in there I know he's a good guy and there is a little part of me that still hopes. Hopes that things will get better, hopes that he'll realize sooner than later (before it's too late) that he's an alcoholic and needs help. I am going to go to my first al-anon meeting this week. Now my question is...I tell him I am going, right? He should know that I am going to Al-anon meetings, correct? Thank you......
Living with an AB my self I just told him the same thing last week GET U#**TOGETHER!!!! after he drank up our bill and food money AGAIN. The real reason Im writing is to tell you my father is an A and my mom left him for the last time when I was 2. She was young like you when they married. I'm 37 now and for about 30 years I resented her for it. God forgive me now because I had no idea what she went through living with an A. Until now living with one for only 2 years. I can't imagine having a child you have to protect from the fall out of their behavior too. My heart goes out to you! I can't tell you whether to leave, but what I can tell you is I know now why my Mom left (in her own words) " I took you and left because I knew I couldn't help him, he didn't want help. I thought you were still young enough that you wouldn't remember the whiskey on his breath and the screaming and yelling that would wake you up when he came home drunk and wanted to fight. I didn't want you to remember your Daddy doing those things." My Dad didn't stop drinking until a year ago when his liver shut down and they had to remove all but 3 inchs of his colon all due from his years of drinking. He doesn't drink now only because he can't. I used to think if my Mom would have stayed with him he wouldn't have ended up like that and I was so angry. It was only after finding this site a week ago that I understand she couldn't fix him and she new it so she did what she thought was best for me. I love and respect her for it, but if she would have stayed, I would have understood that too. I'm glad youre here finding this site has been life altering. No matter what you decide may you find the peace and happiness you and your daughter deserve.
I could have written this too! Only I married my A. Of course it was he promised to get sober after the honeymoon. HA! Yeah, right. He was sober for a few months but now he's back at it again, sleeping it off on the couch right now as a matter of fact while I lay awake stressed out, thinking Should I leave? We have 7 months left on our lease & I have one more semester in school before I could leave the town at least, but can I leave him first? Can I suffer through another 6 months of broken promises and heartache? All I know now is that I don't have the answers. F2F alanon meetings are Wed, so I'm going. Glad to have the ESH of this forum to turn to tonight, that's forsure!
-- Edited by intothewoods on Tuesday 15th of December 2009 01:05:47 AM
__________________
"It's a job that's never started that takes the longest to finish."
~ J. R. R. Tolkien
He got totally wasted this past Saturday night and to me, it felt like a slap in the face. After what we just went through in October....for him to go out and get trashed like that? 
