The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I felt like I was doing pretty good with my alanon program, detaching from my AS's behavior, letting go and letting god, coping with my obsessive thoughts, not worrying so much about him, taking control over my own self care and my own life. Then a close friend who has cancer found out her cancer is back. I feel in a panic. I feel the fragility of life return - the realization that we have no control and how scary that is. I don't know why this affects how I feel about my AS, but it does. I want to go home and lock him in a room so he can't keep harming his body and his life. Why would he want to when life is so precious? I feel helpless. Why would a friend's cancer affect the strength I feel in my alanon program and with my alcoholic? I thought someone might know why this has really set me off with anxiety - mainly about the alcoholic in my life who I can't do anything about.
For me one of the things would be the stark reminder that life is too short and I have little to no defense against almost everything and anything negative happening. Just for me. ((((hugs))))
Well after reading some posts and meditating I realized why my friends cancer reoccurence had thrown me back to step 1. I realized that I was not living for today but jumped back to living in the future. The fear washed over me that my friend would leave me, my alcoholic boyfriend would also leave me and I would be alone. I realized that after prayer and rereading the posts on this board. It was so scary to go back to living in the future even for the 3 hours since my first post. But I feel good that I realized why I was having such a hard time. I am here in the present, my good friend is still here with us TODAY, my boyfriend is with me here TODAY. That is all I have and that I all I am grateful for.
