The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Something occurred to me yesterday - I've only really been trying to detach from my AH's "bad" behavior. You know what I'm talking about - verbal abuse, lack of interest in our kids' activities, overall irresponsible behavior etc...
I noticed I got so wrapped up in his "Mr. Hyde" persona and trying to not get sucked into that drama that I was allowing myself to be fooled by his good behavior (aka "Dr. Jekyll" role). By not detaching consistently, I found myself with one foot still on that merry go round - putting too much stock in the thought that "oh he's nice today, maybe he's really making progress this time..."
I realized I had not truly detached. How he behaves, what he is doing, is NOT my business. I have zero control (regardless of what he might say) over how he chooses to interact with me. I have 100% control over how I respond to it. I have the choice to be gracious, yet firm, with him no matter what his attitude is like when he calls me.
For me, I think I have to detach consistently from my AH - good and bad behavior - in order to cope. And I don't mean "detach with an ax..." either , but the true Alanon concept of detaching with love. I have to remember that I am detaching out of love for myself as well as those around me.
I have to safeguard the tenuous grip on sanity that I currently have - and I can't do that if I'm still swinging on that pendulum of someone else's behavior and allowing it to control how I feel.
Anyway, that's what's on my mind today. Take what you like and leave the rest!
Wow can I relate to the Jekyll and Hyde! Today Dr. Jekyll is here and I realized I was holding my breath waiting for the Hyde I know will come. But still yet living in a fantasy land that this time will be the time that he never comes back. This is a emotional rollercoaster I want off of. I'm learning about detachment now your post about detaching from the good behavior too has really opened my eyes as to what I've been doing. So one day at a time from now on with him. Thanks for sharing
One of my favorite slogans is "Don't React". As I was reading your post I realized that "not reacting" is not just not reacting to something that is said, it is also not reacting to things that are not said. We let I mind react sometimes to situations that can cause us to lose our senerity just as easy as when we react with our mouth.
Your post was enlightening to me and made me realize for the first time that you do not have to open your mouth to react. Sometimes we let what is in our head react for us without a word being said. As always, now I have something else to work on in this program. There is no graduation from this program just continuing to learn, apply, and practice. Dang Dum It. LOL
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Tuesday 8th of December 2009 05:02:29 PM
thank you for this post! I think I have done a good job for the most part of detaching from the bad as well-- but i cling hopelessly to the good. It doesn't help to keep Dr Jeckyl around longer anyway.
It also doesn't help when "Dr Jeckyl" asks for allocades for not being "Mr Hyde". I'm like- "Hello! No one is supposed to be Mr Hyde in the first place!"
same life, different house
__________________
In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
For me, I think I have to detach consistently from my AH - good and bad behavior - in order to cope. And I don't mean "detach with an ax..." either , but the true Alanon concept of detaching with love. I have to remember that I am detaching out of love for myself as well as those around me.
I have to safeguard the tenuous grip on sanity that I currently have - and I can't do that if I'm still swinging on that pendulum of someone else's behavior and allowing it to control how I feel.
Anyway, that's what's on my mind today. Take what you like and leave the rest!
hugs,
bg
Great Posting Blender Girl
WOW what clarity and insight!!! Thank YOu.
I was reminded of the Closing in Alanon Meetings:
"Let there be no Gossip or Criticism of one another".
I tried to "Practice these Principles in all my Affairs" and that inclued the alcoholic, his actions and behavior.
Thankyou so so much you will never know how much I needed your post my ABF is hot one min cold the next and all my emtions have been dependent on this, you have helped me to turn a corner thanks again hugs
, but the true Alanon concept of detaching with love. I have to remember that I am detaching out of love for 
