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Well I am new to the message board and to Al-Anon. I have been married to my A not alcoholic but ADDICT!!! He could be an alcoholic but his preference ...the preference that has ruined our life is CRACK. My A was clean and sober for 10 1/2 years 1994-2005. He gained his sobriety by accepting Jesus as his Lord and Saviour; however in 2005 his mother passed away and his relationship with God was tested and it failed so he went out and immediately within hours got him some of his "old friend... cocaine" He went through THOUSANDS of dollars. We lost our business, our home, our personal possessions....OUR SANITY!!!
We have 3 sons 15, 17 and 20 ...they all have milestone birthdays in the next 2 1/2 months making them 16, 18 and 21. They have been living this "recovery...relapse...recovery" since 2006. We just had 18 months under our belt but he relapsed ...lost his job as a general manager of a restaurant..really bar and grill...not the best place for an A...BUT GONE & DONE IN TWO DAYS!!!! Worse thing He used his company credit card for his $2,000 2/3 day binge!!!! Now he is in legal trouble....SUCKS going through this. He is clean now 5 days....oh yeehaw....whatever
....as someone said earlier ....same promises different day!!!! He owes the company over $2,000. My oldest son and myself have the funds and for the title to his classic car are willing to front the money to pay the company back so they will drop charges....asked his to call police officer to see what it will take to get charges dropped and "his head hurts too bad" ...top it all off he is ON PROBATION!!!! I just don't understand...so much potential and such a bright future ...just THROWN AWAY!!!
Now I am supporting this home with 5 people myself!!!!!! and it is Christmas and my 17 year old son turns 18 Christmas Day...WHO FEELS ME????? I know he can be in recovery...I know he can be clean...that's why I believe this is the time he will put it all behind him...This is why I can believe the promises....EVERYTIME!! We have been together 24 years married 21..been with him since I was 17. Have experienced the good, the bad, and the real UGLY...and waiting on the LOVELY!!!! I know it can be ....GOD is sure to deliver. I just keep singing "FOREVER GOD IS FAITHFUL"....
Glad you decided to come here and share. You will find lots of people with similar stories.
I have been married to my AH for nearly 18 years. I have been through the multiple arrests (DUI), jail time, endless probations, etc., etc. He makes good money but has spent thousands and thousands on all this and we have no savings. Haven't lost our house, but have come close. The last arrest was a real wake-up call to me, and I have been coming here and doing lots of reading to also break from the co-dependency. One step at a time.
We do not have children together but he has adult twins in their 30's They have not lived with their father since they were 8, except that his son lived with us for a while starting when he was 21. He saw some horrific things and had some clashes with his dad that I will never forget and neither will he. Both have been in counseling for years and are on anti-depressants. She has been divorced twice already, and he can't seem to make a lasting personal connection with a girl. They have good jobs and are independent, but this disease has profundly affected their lives, and my heart breaks for them. They didn't deserve this. (their birthday is also at Christmas, on the 26th).
All I can do now is take care of myself and encourage them to do the same however I can. I hope you keep coming back and learning from others here, as I have.
Thanks essgee1952. I realized I never stated why I am realizing I am co-dependent. My A was arrested on Thursday night...he called me to bond him...I DID NOT...he did find a friend that did. When he was notified he was being bonded he called the house and said "OH you are there" I said why wouldn't I be....He said "because there is someone out there bonding me and I was hoping it was you" ...so sorry I just couldn't be a part of that. He stayed at that friends house Thursday, Friday, Saturday...I picked him up Sunday for church and he spent the day with me and has been home since. I realized Saturday that I couldn't not worry about him. Then Sunday while he sat around house crying because of what he had done to himself...me...but most sadly our three sons. I found myself wanting to find a way to make him feel better...WOW...LIKE a Lightening bolt I said "why to I care about making him feel better....what about me ....what about our kids?" I believe that is CO-Dependency by the "worlds terms" by my Christian Faith I believe it is just part of a higher love.
My problem with the titles of "enabler" "co-dependent" is that I do like me, I know I WILL survive. I have seen him in recovery for 10 years. I have seen him in a relationship with God. I had a counselor once who told me I really wasn't an enabler I had "AGAPE Love" {Agape is not limited to being held hostage by its environment and someone's perception. The reason why agape can soar above these is because it is based upon the commitment of a decision. It entails the decision to proactively seek someone's well-being. Since it is not a knee jerk reaction nor just a responsive feeling to how I've been treated, agape is capable of acting in a hostile environment where there are no warm fuzzy feelings. For example, Jesus' teaching that we should agape our enemies is intended to show the boundless nature of the Christian commitment toward seeking another's well-being. Luke 6:35} http://www.sjchurchofchrist.org/agape.shtml to fully understand the terms of love.
So as it goes....I am in the world...but I want to be "a light unto the world" and it starts at HOME....with the man I love beyond rhyme or reason!!!!
Thanks guys...Hope this wasn't too much!!!! I will need this forum as the months move forward..
Agape love is a wonderful kind of love. The thing I've learned since being at Al-Anon is that love doesn't always take the form I thought it did. Sometimes when we intercede for them (as you would have done if you'd paid the bond), we keep them from feeling the affects of their addiction and help them go on living in denial. When we keep cushioning the bottom they can't hit it and have a chance to turn themselves around. I used to think that helping like this was "love," but I think it was love of myself -- and not a very helpful love of myself -- I felt panicky at the thought of being by myself. My love of myself was disguised as love of him. But really in the long run it wasn't a nourishing love of myself, because it just pulled me into the quicksand along with him.
Glad you are here --- we are here for you. Keep coming back.
Aloha Faith...For me the disease of addiction (from whatever) drove me crazy because it surpassed anything that I learned as a christian and those christian mentors and teachers I went to for help didn't have solutions that would work for me. Some made it worse. I have met some wonderful recovering alcoholic/addicts who are religious standouts and when they talk about recoverying and the spiritually based 12step recovery programs they light up brightly. There was a hidden piece of Agape love that was revealed to me in Al-Anon and it is mentioned also by Mattie. I realized it from experience and the help of the fellowship of Al-Anon and AA. God doesn't stand in the way of my choices and is always there even when I am going thru the consequences of those choices...good or bad. God doesn't stand in the way of any one's choices but never leaves. Alcoholism is a compulsion. It is a compulsion of the mind, body, spirit and emotions. It for me was a substitute for God because I felt that it could do for me what God couldn't or wouldn't. It wasn't until I admitted I was powerless over it and my alcoholic lifestyle including marriages to an addict and then an alcoholic/addict and my own drinking that I found myself where I needed to be; re-establishing a relationship with a God of my understanding in Al-Anon and then in AA myself. God had never left. I was the one who needed to stop, turn around and come back to the God of my understanding. Had I not learned that here I would have never found it anywhere else I believe. I pray that your addicted husbands pain will be a gift for him so that he can stop completely, turn around and face the Higher Power who has always been after him. Merry Christmas to you and your family. (((((hugs)))))
