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I'm writing this because I have doubts about whether or not my X is actually an alcoholic or just an "alcohol abuser", as in someone who drinks heavily or moderately depending on the situation, but who is able to stop at some point.
The reason I ask is because lately, since I have left my X and since we have tried to agree on custody issues, he has offered not to drink while he is watching my DD. He even offered to have the apartment rid of any alcoholc, and that I could check this fact. The last two visits I had with him, he did not drink while I was there (not that I could see) and there was no booze in the fridge (save for 1 bottle of white wine left over from a dinner party).
I know how much this man makes monthly, and I know that by agreeing to take over the lease of our old apartment, he's really stretching his finances to the limit. So, there's a real possibility that he's too poor to drink.
However, my Al-Anon friends have categorically told me that it's impossible for an alcoholic not to drink, unless he's in recovery, so I'm thinking maybe my X is just a heavy drinker. When I met him, he drank a large bottle of Jack or Canadian Club every 2 days, plus some cocaine for a short while. When we moved to this city, we got too poor forhim to drink Jack, so he started drinking beer. While we were together (3 years) I estimate that he drank 2 liters of beer per day, on week-days and more on week-ends. He does have this very addictive personality and he tends to self-medicate with all sorts of things: sleeping pills, junk food, videogames, movies, and of course, booze.
There are different kind of alcoholics. And I personally believe that there are heavy drinkers who can stop -- but those are not alcoholics. A lot of people go through a period of heavy drinking when they're young, and eventually they wise up and cut back to a reasonable level, or stop entirely. But the ones that try to cut back and can't are the alcoholics. If they can accomplish it by willpower, they don't have a problem. But the other problem is that a lot of them think they can accomplish it by willpower, but they're fooling themselves. That's why we have to look at what they do and not what they say.
My alcoholic ex could certainly stop for a while. He was a periodic binger, so he'd be dry for months at a time, sometimes years; but then he'd get too stressed and off he'd go again. Each time he would add to his problems: DUI's, destroyed relationships, you name it. It got worse so slowly you might not even notice. And there were those long periods of being dry. Sometimes he went to AA during those times (but always dropped out), sometimes he just didn't drink. But he always started again, and when he started, he picked up just where he left off. Eventually I learned not to trust the dry times -- another binge was always coming.
So it's possible that your ex is not drinking right now. He may use that as evidence that he's totally in control of his drinking. But if his drinking has been a problem in the past, my bet is that it will be a problem again in the future.
I once asked a friend in AA if he thought a problem drinker could stop on his own, without a program for support. He thought a while. "Sure," he said. "Anything is possible. People spontaneously combust, too. It's no more unlikely than that."
I also wouldn't bet that your ex is too poor to buy alcohol. My experience is that they can get it anywhere. They cadge it off friends, they shoplift, they hang out at bars till someone buys them a drink, they drink NyQuil. And if he has a bottle of white wine in the fridge and he gets desperate enough, he'll drink that. He might even refill it with water so you can't tell. If he's drinking, getting the booze won't be a problem. And if he isn't drinking, right at this moment, that doesn't mean he won't start again. The problem is that he probably thinks he's in control of it. So he will make promises that he can't keep.
NDB2D...Alcoholism is a progressive disease it never gets better only worse. The alcoholic has lost control over their drinking and can only get sober with total abstinence. It is a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body. The AMA definition goes on and on. The disease is cunning powerful and baffling and for now so baffling that were often are left standing scratching our heads asking repeatedly "well is he or isn't he?" What I was told was that if my alcoholic wife's drinking cause me problems that was all I should know; and did it!! I was also given a metaphor which I used often enough to remind myself that she was indeed alcoholic...ready? If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck? chances are its a duck!! Case closed I went for help. Would you rather be happy or rather be right? (((((hugs)))))
Does it really matter how much he drinks , if he is alcoholic or not ? what matters is that his behavior and drinking bother u. Alcoholics say and do anything to get us off thier back , for everyones sake I hope he means what he says about not drinking when daughter is there , but don't count on it . and dont be suprised when u find out he was one more time only talking care of his own needs . Bottom line your daughter needs u to make healthy decissions for her as she is too young to do it for herself , if u supect he is drinking , trust your instincts and don't leave daughter in his care . and really havent u had enough of checking for booze > u do hve better things to do I am sure .
Abbyal, I agree with you about not leaving my daughter with my X, and so far, the visits have all been supervised, but the law is on his side with regards to his rights as a father. And since he has left no paper trail of his drinking, no judge will condemn him to supervised visitation, so I'm forced to police him for the sake of my daughter. I hate it.
So it's possible that your ex is not drinking right now. He may use that as evidence that he's totally in control of his drinking. But if his drinking has been a problem in the past, my bet is that it will be a problem again in the future.
Nodaybut2day,
I hope i'm not coming off as a newbie-smart-alec with my "quotations" - i just thought that what Mattie wrote was a fair assessment - this is entirely speculative since we don't know your X personally, but if we were to place our bets... well, i'm sorry to say but i believe my money would wager against the poor guy just based on process of elimination - he's human, and alcohol is very powerful.
I remember reading the Big Book and Bill W. talking about how alcoholics "swear off" the booze again and again - sometimes for long periods at a time, weeks, months, even years - with and without Solemn Oaths - but eventually, without a Program of recovery it is "nil and void" despite even the best of intentions.
As much as I hate the cliche' - "Only time will tell..."
BUT, you can present your concerns to the court at every single court date. Get it in record over and over again that you are in fear for your daughter's saftey when and if ex ever gets to have her unsupervised.
I believe you said you are in Canada and they do have a strong history of father's rights. Even stronger and longer than here in the US. But BUT, you can start a paper trail yourself by documenting EVERYTHING your ex says, does, what you think/feel how your daughter reacts and behaves. EVERYTHING.
I am not suggesting your do this out of spite or anger, but for the sake and safety of your daughter. She must come first. Regardless of judges, or ex's feelings or threats, or your guilt....your daughter's saftey is the most important.
The system hasn't screwed you yet. Move ahead as if it won't. You are a grown, law abiding (I presume) citizen and the mother of a baby. You have rights and you have a say. You are sane, you are the one. The courts may just respect that. Document everything starting with when you first met ex and all of his behaviors.
Thank you pdj for the clarification...I guess I was under the impression that alcoholics could NEVER stop drinking, no matter what, and my ex has had fluctuations in his alcohol and drugs (whether illegal or OTC) consumption over the years. Also, I was confused by the fact that he could stop at 4-5 beers a night, whereas the image of the alcoholic I had in my head was the person who would only stop when they couldn't function anymore.
I guess all this is really arbitrary. Serendipity, I will continue to document everything, as I have been all this time. I guess I was wondering when it was safe to "let my guard down", but from what I've gleaned here, I won't be able to for a long long time because I have to protect my child. It's just very sad...
"However, my Al-Anon friends have categorically told me that it's impossible for an alcoholic not to drink, unless he's in recovery..."
The above is a classic example of an oxymoron. Part of being "in recovery" means, "not drinking." Many alcoholics become sober and enjoy the cessation from drinking all their lives; some don't. There is no question that programs such as AA can have a tremendously positive influence on addicts. AA can teach the addict ways to live a better life as well as a sober one. But it is ultimately up to the addict him/herself to maintain sobriety.
I also believe an alcoholic can remain sober without being, "in recovery." In other words some can find their way cold turkey and live a sober life. It happens. Alas, it is not very likely.
What do you think the difference is between an "alcoholic" and an "alcohol abuser?" One description is one word; the other is two words.
What do I think you ask? I think your guy needs help. And so do you. Please try to find an AlAnon group near you and attend meetings. You will begin to understand concepts you have not yet even thought of.
Wishing you all good things,
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
As I've said, my A drank intermittently. But I forgot to add that he does switch off addictions. He also has a gambling compulsion which only surfaces at times -- he'll go years without it, then go on a bad binge. He does compulsive shopping, and he hoards, so his apartment is wall-to-wall full of items he's bought on eBay and items he says he's going to sell on eBay. He goes out and buys piles of junk with the idea that he's going to sell them on eBay, but I never saw the piles get any smaller. If he can get his hands on painkillers or tranquilizers, he takes them until he's impaired. But then he runs out and turns to some other compulsion. He does all of this in such secrecy that I had no idea of the scale of the problem until we got married and I saw parts of his life that he couldn't hide any longer. Anyway, my point is that I think a lot of people switch on and off of their addictions. But the bottom line is that they're acting out of compulsion -- a craving to be numb to the world, whatever they sacrifice to get there. As long as that's in place, he'll be finding some way to get numb. The ones who trade off on the addictions are sometimes harder to identify because you don't know what you're looking for, and it seems as if, "Hey, I don't think he's drunk in the past six months -- maybe I'm just paranoid and was imagining there was a problem." But -- if it's been a problem for you, it is a problem. I think it's a real tip-of-the-iceberg thing. The problem only shows when it's gotten so big that he can't hide all of it. And the exact label for him doesn't matter. If it causes problems in his relationships or life, it's a problem. If he doesn't stop, it's a problem.
Mattie...thank you for your insight. I believe my X is very similar to your A, in that he switches addictions every so often, if forced by circumstances. Everything he does is in excess: eating, drinking, smoking, videogame playing/purchasing, movie watching, drug abuse...It's as if he has a fundamental inability to deal with life's regular stresses, or rather an exagerated stressful reaction to life's common bumps and subsequently a need to self-medicate in order to avoid dealing with these.
In any case, the how and why don't matter as much as the fact that the disease is there. I find this very sad for my daughter and for my stepson, who's stuck living with this man all by himself.
