The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi everyone, wow living in reality is tough. My ABF has had a slip after 6 months and is living back in his mums. We are having contact via the phone. He is very upet, angrey, wollowing in self pity. it was his birthday couple of days ago I took a small present and card to his mums. He asked me to call back after my meeting said I couldnt. He rang when I left said he was going to a meeting. When I got home he rang said that meeting did his head in. I think he is just starting to realise how ill he is. I did not give advice just shared about how I use tools of my programme when feeling bad. He got angrey said I am well ahead of him. After the phone call I was drained. when he rang next day told him I need to take care of me that I carnt listen to all his wows and take all his abuse. He hasnt rang since, just txt for his bank card that I gave my daughter to post save having to see him. We are both very sick I am trying so hard to detach with love nd leave him to his recovery. I told him just like his drinking is not personal to me, my detaching is for my mental health and recovery not to hurt him. I do not feel guilty But I do miss him. I keep catching myself wondering how all this will turn out. Trying really hard to focus on me and my recovery to work my programme. I know I need to trust Hp what ever happens I am heading to a better place its just so hard to let go. I am an action taker I really do feel my powerlessness. I am hoping he will recover and come back to me how silly is that, why carnt I just totally let go and move on with my life learn all the valuable lessons from this and surround myself ith healthy people, who I dont want to fix. any esh would be gratefully appreciated hugs
-- Edited by Tracy on Sunday 6th of December 2009 01:43:57 PM
-- Edited by Tracy on Sunday 6th of December 2009 01:46:09 PM
"I keep catching myself wondering how all this will turn out. Trying really hard to focus on me and my recovery to work my programme. I know I need to trust Hp what ever happens I am heading to a better place its just so hard to let go. I am an action taker I really do feel my powerlessness. I am hoping he will recover and come back to me how silly is that, why carnt I just totally let go and move on with my life learn all the valuable lessons from this and surround myself ith healthy people, who I dont want to fix. any esh would be gratefully appreciated"
Wow, it always amazes me how I can come to these boards and read posts that I could have written. I too am mentally aware that the way things are now is better physically, emotionally and spiritually for me. But the little something inside me keeps thinking about the future, what will happen and hoping a miracle happens and he comes back a year from now clean, sober and able to stand on his own two feet. Then reality slaps me in the face and I realize how far fetched it really is. So what I keep telling myself, "this too shall Pass" and all I have to worry about is getting through today. I think about the song "Thank God for unanswered prayers" and think maybe one day i will be better off.
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What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself. Hecato, Greek philosopher
Aloha Tracy...That reminds me when I was in your place and attending meetings for myself. Some one at a meeting gave me this poem that helped me tons. If you love something Let it Go If it never comes back It never was mean't to be It it does come back Love it forever.
I can tell you that the process of letting go and loving at the same time for me was also very hard to understand and learn and practice however when it all came into place It seemed that I had done the very best I should have done and was happy.
"I don't know how to help him if he say's he doesn't have a problem"
This statement of yours says it all. No. You cannot help him. He must be willing to help himself, and until he is ready to admit his problem and seek help, there is not much you can do. You didn't cause this and you cannot cure it. Please do not beat your self up with guilt. None of this is of your doing. Yes, dear one, you Are powerless.
Take care of YOU. That should be your focus.
Best wishes,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I too could have written this...........I'm in the process now of detaching. I struggle with the concept.
My BF has been sober for 18 months, goes to his meetings but that's where it stops. HE doesn't work the program nor does he have a sponsor. He feels he's ok, when really, he's worse than he was before less the booze.
Trying to detach is really just another term for slowly breaking up. It just keeps the break up in limbo until we are strong enough to finally let go. Maybe I'm wrong, but this is how it feels to me.
At my last meeting, there was a couple who spoke about their issues. He the addict, her the codie. She didn't detach, she just kicked him out, told him to never come back, called the cops and he was gone. She told him to come home only when he gets to AA He went to AA and stopped drinking and has worked his program and has been sober 7 yrs now. I go from "just detach" to "take action" to make change
There are some days detaching seems too passive aggressive, then I realize detaching is about me moving on and not working on the relationship any longer.
