The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
tonight I did a little personal history lesson and read ovey the posts I started since I joined MIP. WOW! Eye opening. It gives actual dates to the lurid details of life with my addict husband. I actually still loved him back 4 years ago.....
So this next detail I could have cut and pasted from any of the numerous posts I have put up in the last 4 years-- AH is passed out in the bedroom. He hasn't gone to work all week.I can't believe he still has a job. I can't believe my future is in the hands of a crazy person. He is using pot and alcohol and even cold medicine (because it knocks him out)
What a wonderful life he is having!
What is new? He tried an inpatient rehab program about 5 or 6 weeks ago. Stayed for 5 days then intensive outpt. "graduated" and picked it all right back up in record time. I said the sad thing is that we haven't even gotten the copay bills yet and he's already back at it. Where is my money back guarantee?
I was pretty disappointed with the program to be honest. I thought they should have involved me or me and the kids -- I actually had to request a family meeting with me and him and the social worker. that just doesn't seem right. What about all this lipservice that addiction is a family disease? Is there any wonder that he failed? But i don't blame the program-- it is totally my AH's choice to keep on keeping on.
I just want him gone. Really nice with Christmas and all-- but drunk dad sleeping it off in the bedroom just doesn't fit in the picture for me. This is a home, not a drunk tank or detox center. He is depressed and hopeless but I am through talking. I lost it today and i don't want to do that any longer. He just needs to go but has no where to go. No family, no friends except one and I doubt he would take him in (and frankly, I wouldn't wish it on him and his wife)
I have a 17 y/o and a 13 y/o and I don't think this is a good environment for anyone. They do not benefit from living with this addict dad. I refuse to leave and take them and the dogs with me because I am not the one who is breaking the rules and doing the bad thing. He needs to go. I just don't know how to remove him. Shoe horn? White out?
hit man (jk)?
__________________
In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
Does he have a job or money in a bank account? My situation may have been a little easier because my A had a little money -- by which I mean that we hadn't merged our funds entirely and I knew he had his own bank account and some money I didn't have access to. It wasn't very much -- he's a compulsive spender and eventually declared bankruptcy -- but it was enough for him to get a $600-a-month apartment on his own. So I just told him that our marriage wasn't working and I was asking him to move out. I did it very calmly. In fact he was on a trip and I did it by e-mail. This sounds heartless but I think we both preferred it that way -- no confrontation, no yelling or blaming. He said he was sad but not surprised. He came back and stayed with a friend, got an apartment, and moved his stuff out. It was probably the easiest part of our relationship. I think he was actually relieved not to have me around glowering at him as he'd come home drunk, and he could feel free to drink all day. (He was a secret drinker and never did it while I was present.)
If your A gives you a hard time about leaving, or doesn't have the resources to go, that would be harder. You should probably consult a lawyer about the legal technicalities too. I knew my A wouldn't give me any resistance about my decisions, but other cases may be different. You may want to separate your bank accounts first, as well as your credit cards and other things that a lawyer can advise you about. And if he has a tendency toward violence, that would require further precautions.
You don't have to say "You have to leave because of your drinking." They must all be aware that their drinking bothers us. All you have to say is, "This isn't working and we need to separate." Unless, of course, they're violent, in which case you should take many precautions before making a move, for your own safety.
Aloha JK...I empathize with you and where you are right now and I don't have a magic wand either nor am I a miracle worker. I did learn to put no excuses in front of me for doing what I thought best and to keep working it until something changed even if what changed had not been my original plan (HP is cunning powerful and baffling). I do know that you can go to a family service or family court and file for a TRO that the court will enforce. He will have to leave and stay away at a distance for as long as it is in effect. I use to help author the applications for both wives and husbands.
Alcoholics and Addicts in recovery always talk about being able to find their drink or drugs no matter how broke they were or bleak everything looked like. The court knows this also. You need to do for you and your responsibilities which I can imagine presents all kinds of risks for you and then I came to understand in my own recovery that taking those kinds of risks fell under the heading from the Serenity Prayer "...The courage to change the things that I can..." It is not that I was doing it blind folded...I had my HP and the program to support me and none of that would steer me toward disaster. My alcoholic eventually got sober and I was proud that the miracle happened for her also. I was amazed at how wrong I could be about many things as while I was sure she would never ever reach sobriety, she did it in a way that still today is my metaphor for humility and trust.
Keep reaching out and asking the question of others and then sit down and review what might be best for you. Be patient and don't procrastinate. (((((hugs)))))
So you know it is a family disease and u have been around alanon for a few years. How about the kids, is there alateen available for them? How is your program doing, are u working ur steps, talking with sponsor, using the tools?
None of us wants to hear that this is something that we have to do too, that we need to change. Thing is, if u dont change, even if u do extract ur AH from the family domicile, it is likely that u will attract and get involved with another A. Face yourself and work on ur issues, so u can change intrinsically. We are doomed to repeat what we dont change. Take a long look at ur patterns.
I would also suggest, that u live as if. Live as if he is gone already. Do what u have to do, focus on YOU not what he is doing or not doing, ignore his behavior and get busy with your life, ur program, ur kids and ur holidays. None of you have to focus on him, talk about him or let him bring you down.
I know for me, b4 alanon I was hopelessly caught up in their hopelessness. Learn in program how u can empower yourself and detach with love from him.
Maybe he will see u getting on with ur own life. Set and follow through on boundaries and learn to protect yourself and what detachment means. Maybe one day he will take the hint, or perhaps it will spur him to make some changes too. Either way ur attention will be off ur AH and he will be able to face his disease on his own ~ you cant face it for him. And if u argue with him about his disease, for him, it will become an argument with you (and not about his disease). So dont bother doing that, that is what they feed off of anyway.
As another member says, "Bloom where you are planted." And take care of YOU whatever that looks like.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
