The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Her it is Saturday night. I worked hard all day. My husband was supposed to make dinner for me (his turn). I got home, said Hello, ....no answer. He was asleep on the recliner. (not a good sign - no dinner and asleep) I could tell by his speech that he had a small amount to drink. Some nights are much worse. I cooked dinner, he ate, said little conversation and immediately fell back to sleep again.
I will attempt a discussion when he wakes up. He may admit to it or he may deny it. We have had traditional counseling, Christian counseling with our Pastor and he has gone to AA. He has had a DWI.
I feel so sad and alone. I don't tell many people....I am embarrassed and depressed over it. I feel my life is empty with no future of this going away.
Sad and Alone- Wow do I recognize that feeling. It's funny how there are probably millions of us but yet we manage to feel alone much of the time. I am new to this forum so I don't know the "rules", so please forgive me if I step on your toes.
I can share that my approach to this took some time and involved realizintg that I couldn't expect my AH to be my friend or partner or lover any more. He's just not capiable of it. THis was a very hard realization to make and I cried a lot about it and got angry and wrote many journal pages about it. I found some relief at my weekly Al Anon meeting - I never feel alone there. My next step was to find something else to fill some of that space. I've gone back to devouring books and am now in a book club. I got onto Facebook and have reconnected with many friends I hadn't heard from in years. I'm still lonely sometimes (my AH is passed out as I type) but know I have more of my own life now.
I wish you peace and hope you find a way to create more of your own life - something you alone can own and take pride in.
Welcom to MIP! and to Alanon where you will never be alone. It is sad and painful when you don't get back what you put into it. I have been alone for over four years. I don't know which is worse - being alone or feeling alone when there is someone in the room. Develop your plan. Try not to linger too long in what's happening. Make a call, get busy, plan something ahead of time. In Alanon they say when we get busy we get better.
Wife of A - you are cetainly not alone. In January I will have been married 38 years, most of which were very happy but the last 5 - with AH totally dependant on alcohol - I have felt very lonely in this marriage. Unless you are prpared to get out of it (I cant/wont) you have to find ways to survive.
I have looked up old friends - some I was at school with! We have been away, met up for days out or just e-mailed and texted.
I make sure I have time for other friends and enjoy theatre trips, meals out, etc.
18 months ago I moved into our spare bedroom and have made it my own, new bedclothes, radio, TV, cd player, my books, etc. This is now MY space and he knows not to invade it.
I don't have any alanon meetings near me so I come on her and in the chat room and the support I have received from my MIP friends has been awesome!!
Of course, not everything is rosy. AH is still around but, it must be said, mostly "crashed out" in his bedroom. Also - when I go away he doesn't eat, just drinks and has required hospital admissions he has been so ill on my return. Doesn't stop me, though. We have upsetting rows and stuff like that, but, as I say - it is a matter of surviving. Mostly, I manage to stay upbeat but when down, a bit of time spent here in MIP Land, usually has me smiling again!
Good luck - I do empathise. I know where you are coming from!
I have spent years giving my all hoping that one day my ABF will give me the love and support I crave. Just lately I have come to the realisation it is me who is epecting a person who can not even take care of himself to love and support me. Today I am taking one day at a time trying to stay in reality. He is sick very sick, alcohol comes before evrything else. I try and have no expectations today this is very hard. I am 40 on boxing day he has promised me all year this will be great a godd holiday etc etc. He has just had a mojor slip after 6 months sober. He now has to concentrate on him, his life and problems by birthday is the least of his worries. So I have booked to go away with my parents and kids. I try to just make the best out of life today and am gradually realising this is my job not his. We all have choices he can not be a partner to me so I am on my own trying to create the life I desire.
Welcome WOA...Sounds like you have the time to read back thru the previous post on this site and get a lot of experience strength and hope and suggestion for what you might do for your condition. You have to be willing to do something new and different than what you are doing now and to do it without the fear of upsetting the alcoholic or the applecart. He is gone and not involved in your life for the moment and I had to get the understanding of that when I started changing. My wife was not involved she was involved in drinking which she was addicted to; caught up into a life threatening disease. Your life still has to go on and that is your responsiblility. For me it was getting into and practicing the Al-Anon program and only one little thing I learned was that when I learned how to love myself I could be without the alcoholic or by myself and not feel lonely at all. I learned that I loved her and like being around her when the disease wasn't present but that I didn't need her. She was not responsible for my happiness or my sadness. That was my repsonsibility and I had to learn that and then take the position.
