Great info on how to detach - Al-Anon Family Group

Dyinginside · Veteran Member

Great info on how to detach

sdisnie · Senior Member

The way I detach is by completey not seeing him, talking to him, interacting with him...etc etc. It's the easiest way for me. I know it may not be the right way, or the healthy way, but for me, it's the best way. The less I have to see him, hear him, etc, the better I feel..out of sight...out of mind...

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you for posting this web site. I printed the information, highlighted parts that pertain to me, and will reread it many times as I proceed with my much-needed, but not wanted divorce.

As Christy noted in a recent post, spouses of A who drink and drive, will be held financially accountable if they kill/injury others while driving under the influence.

My AH's recent DUI involved a collision. Fortunately, no one was physically damaged. It could have been far worse. I pray this wakes my husband up; it woke me up!

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I have struggled with that problem of how to respond to mean statements or actions when I'm practicing detachment. I'm not all the way there yet, but I think the ultimate detachment would be to be able to be internally unaffected by the meanness, to be able to just shake my head and think, "Golly, that poor man is doing it again. Hmm, I wonder why I stay around for that?" And maybe to say something that acknowledges it but doesn't spoil for a fight, like "Oh, golly."

An ex of mine used to get really mean whenever I was driving. He turned into a control freak in the passenger seat and would start barking insults at me: "I can't believe you shifted gears then! Did anybody teach you to drive? Are you some kind of idiot? J*** Chr****!" I tried all kinds of responses, including ignoring him, but none of them made any difference, even to me. Finally a friend gave me this suggestion. She said it just boggled the mind that he did this, and that he would keep on doing it even though he knew it caused so much grief between us. So she got me into this detached frame of mind and suggested I say, next time he did it, with laughter, "Are you criticizing my driving?" I did this and he was so taken aback that it did actually shut him up. The relationship didn't last -- that's a story for another day -- but I have to say it went a lot better, with a lot less guff from him, whenever I could detach like this. That really convinced me of the power of detaching.

Mobirdie · Senior Member

My first sponsor taught me from the git go that when someone says something to me that is unkind or accuses me of something that the quickest way to diffuse the situation and avoid a confrontation is to simply say...

"You know you just might be right but I'll have to think about that and get back to you".

THEN promptly leave the room, the car or wherever you are at.

This does a number of things...
It puts an end to the conversation
It leaves the other person in utter shock, usually, with that wide eyed "did she just say that" look on their face.
It puts a stopgap in place for the issue to go any further.

I used it on my sister once and she stuttered for a week. LOL

Dyinginside · Veteran Member

Mobirdie wrote:

My first sponsor taught me from the git go that when someone says something to me that is unkind or accuses me of something that the quickest way to diffuse the situation and avoid a confrontation is to simply say...

"You know you just might be right but I'll have to think about that and get back to you".

THEN promptly leave the room, the car or wherever you are at.

This does a number of things...
It puts an end to the conversation
It leaves the other person in utter shock, usually, with that wide eyed "did she just say that" look on their face.
It puts a stopgap in place for the issue to go any further.

I used it on my sister once and she stuttered for a week. LOL

I like this, but ohhhhhhhhhh how I want to make a comment back in his face. My ego screams "how dare he"
That is my need to always show him what a jerk he is.

I also like Mattie's suggetion to laugh and make a comment.

I'll try both of these.

SD, no contact is the BEST way to heal when you're out of the relationship. When my ex left me for another women, I was out of there and had no contact at all.
We never had kids, so it was easier. But when I am out of a relationship, I detach by no contact and getting rid of all that reminds me of them.

Detaching is so not easy.

Thanks everyone, keep them coming. This helps a lot

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sad he says things that hurt you!

For me, I learned to immediately know this was not the person I love talking, it is the disease. So I just nicely said, I am going to read or I am going to whatever. (does not mean it still does not hurt! but not as bad as I know it is the disease talking)

Just me. hugs,debilyn

Dyinginside · Veteran Member

For whatever it's worth. when my BF made his rude comments to me last night, I got up and left his house and told he needs to be very careful what he says to me
He called me twice today and apologized and said what he did is not condusive to our healing and he was insensitve.

I'm just now getting up from the floor after falling down in shock

gknee · Senior Member

thanks so much for posting this link. Just what i needed to read.

mc3 · Member

Learning about detachment has opened my eyes to the fact that I have been as addicted to "saving my A as he is to drinking". December 8th 2009 was the first time I said I can't help you , your a grown man I'm sure you'll figure something out. I think I was more suprised than him! He lost his license for drinking and driving (again) and is on probation needed a ride to go meet his PO. I was going to call in to work and lose money again maybe my job, to make sure his went. Well to my amazement HE DID he rescheduled for my day off. It was a side of me he's never seen, so right now he's being soo nice. Now what how do? I realize now that detachment is the key to at least my recovery. But how do I stay detached without being cold, but still protect myself from being crushed when he backslides again because I know its coming. It's been seven days without drinking he can only go about 2 weeks with out getting can't walk ,can't talk, falling down drunk.
Any thoughts?

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