I'm just so confused, I'm scared - Al-Anon Family Group

Dyinginside · Veteran Member

I'm just so confused, I'm scared

sdisnie · Senior Member

Trust is a huge piece of a relationship, without it, you can't ever have a real healthy relationship. Add addiction to it, and then it doubles the problems. You say your not strong enough to leave, yet you kick him out of your life a lot. What makes you not stick with it? Is it because you become lonely as well? Because you need him there with you? Maybe its not him that you really want, maybe its just that you want a companion. You shoud think long and hard about this, because if this relationship is really making you this sick, then you why not get better and get rid of what's making you sick?

I know how hard it is, I struggle with it all the time. I've been with my A for 20 years...I can't seem to let him go, even though he made the choice for both of us to leave. I look back and wish so many times that I had the strength to have left, or kick him out and not beg for him back. And what did it get me? It just prolonged the pain to 20 years down the road. Keep talking, and getting it out until you finally find your answer..
Hugs to you....

Dyinginside · Veteran Member

sdisnie wrote:

Trust is a huge piece of a relationship, without it, you can't ever have a real healthy relationship. Add addiction to it, and then it doubles the problems. You say your not strong enough to leave, yet you kick him out of your life a lot. What makes you not stick with it? Is it because you become lonely as well? Because you need him there with you? Maybe its not him that you really want, maybe its just that you want a companion. You shoud think long and hard about this, because if this relationship is really making you this sick, then you why not get better and get rid of what's making you sick?

I know how hard it is, I struggle with it all the time. I've been with my A for 20 years...I can't seem to let him go, even though he made the choice for both of us to leave. I look back and wish so many times that I had the strength to have left, or kick him out and not beg for him back. And what did it get me? It just prolonged the pain to 20 years down the road. Keep talking, and getting it out until you finally find your answer..
Hugs to you....

Hi, thank you for your reply.

I do have a huge fear of being alone. I'm 43 and have been in 3 long term relationships (one lasting 11 yrs) since I was 16 yrs old.
I've lived alone for the last 10 yrs but have only been single only 2 yrs since I was 16.

I often ask myself why I took him back. At times, I was overzealous and not kind to him so I felt bad. At other times I missed him. We have some very "healthy" and great moments as well.
Before him and I became a couple, we were only friends. I never liked him romantically, but loved him as a friend. I had so much respect for him.
Then we got involved and it was not as pleasant as it was when we were friends.

I've not "left him" in a long while because I realized when I would leave him afger every fight in the past, I was leaving him to get a reaction and to make him hurt or shown him he was being a jerk.

Of course since being in Al Anon I realized how futile this was.

There are days I say I'm only with him because I don't want to be alone, then we have the great days where we connect and I think I really love him.

I hear this a lot from addict/codie relationships where there is so much confusion as to why the codependent stays. Is it love, need, fear, I think it's all of the above.

Some days I truly hate him and some days I love him with the same intensity.

Now of course since he's not drinking, going to AA and was open to couples therapy and the AA couples group, I think he really wants to work hard on this. Then he does something guided by his "disease" and I go downwards again.

He swears I can trust him and I can tell you this, before him, my last two ex's both cheated on me so I came into this with a heavy heart, but I trusted him 101%
The mistrust only started when he got sober 18 months ago.
My gut was telling me things and I was right. He swears he never "cheated" but I know he seeks female attention when I don't give it to him.
Even though he claims he only did that when he drank

But I agree, I cannot stay if I can't trust him.

I'm torn about whether I should continue in this AA couples group or go to Al Anon and therapy alone to get the strength to leave.
This is really making me nuts!

This couples group has retreats and in depth private couples groups where there is no holding back.
This is what peole told us saved them.
My BF would be faced with A LOT of his denial and in front of strangers where I think he may acknowledge them at this point.
Who knows!

Sorry I'm talking so much, I'm really in distress here

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

My first thought was, maybe read your post, and pretend it is from someone else. Or look at it like a tv show.

Hon you summed it all up. This relationship makes you sick.

In my esh, I would never trust an Addict. Addicts in my esh can never be trusted. I don't distrust them either, what I do is accept people how they are. If I cannot handle their behavior, I distance myself. Which you have shared you do.

As far as couples therapy, the primary problem not being addressed, in my esh it is moot to even go.

It is like having a broken leg and learning to ski.

For someone, anyone to come into my home without permission, get into my personal stuff... does insanity come to mind? Does for me.

D people cheat because they are cheaters. Cheating is not a symptom of being an addict.
We never give advice here, we don't tell you what you should or should not do. Al Anons goal is to teach us skills to be around addicts in a healthy way, and to help us learn to focus on our needs first.

We also learn about boundaries we need and consequences for when someone breaks them.

It is not easy. Addicts disease works hard at bringing us down into the pit with them. That is partly how the disease works. To be able to be around an A, we need to gather knowledge and skills to not allow the disease to manipulate us.

Addicts brains are wired different than non A's. They have NO idea what trust is to us. Just like they don't know what it is like to not be an A. We have no concept at all what it is like to be one!

I have heard sooo many times from A's,"I want to be normal." Whatever normal is.

They hate that their disease makes us sick.

Unless we get a good foundation of Al Anon under us, we will go back to them. We have not figured out what makes us want to yet.

I always use the analogy of a river and learning how to swim. We cannot just dive in, we go in a little at a time, learning all the skills of swimming. If we go in too soon we fail and head back to shore.

Once we have all the skills of swimming, we have confidence, we know we can handle it.

We cannot just leave someone we love until we know how,what made us leave and what our goal really is.That is what makes people go back. They are still too sick to go out on their own.

Also I have learned, to know something, and to believe it are two different things. I know smoking is bad, but I keep smoking. ONce I believe it then I can stop.

I know cont. this relationship is making me sick, but until I believe it I stay.

You are on a path right now, it is VERY difficult but you are doing it! All the times you separated were not for nothing. Everytime you learned a little more.

Meetings are great. WE also have them here. Ask questions here and you will get responses.

Please don't be hard on yourself! You are enlightening you!.

I know too we get so mushed into the drama we forget the ocean still waves, the waterfalls still spill and trees are still standing. We do not have to concentrate on the dang drama, we can reach out to other things to refresh us.

Keep coming back! love,debilyn

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello and welcome!

The question arises, if you didn't fear being alone what would you do?
The couples thing may or may not work out but it seems you would greatly benefit working on your issues first. Once those are dealt with, then you can make a conscious decision with all your ducks in a row.
If in fact you are hanging on to your BF because of fear, that would make anyone nuts. Especially if you aren't happy in the relationship. Seems that just brings in more issues and more fears to deal with.

My suggestion is to attend YOUR meetings, find a sponsor and put yourself first.

Christy

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I have a different take on this, so see if it might fit and if not, disregard.

You say that twice when you broke up with him he ran out and slept with other women. This doesn't strike me as cheating -- it strikes me as taking you seriously when you said the relationship was over. Now, jumping in bed with a new person on the rebound from a breakup is maybe not the calmest and most mature of actions. It sounds a little panic-stricken and out-of-control and possibly unwise to me. But it doesn't sound like cheating. You may have thought that maybe the relationship wasn't really over, or you may have broken up with him just to get a reaction and still felt connected. But if he took you seriously and thought you meant exactly what you said, it seems reasonable to me that he decided to act like a free person. So I'm not sure that those actions mean that he's a cheater and that he would cheat on you in a relationship.

Flirting on Facebook doesn't sound like the actions of someone who's totally mature and committed to the relationship. From what you describe, it sounds to me as if your relationship has been very tumultuous, as much drama as calm, with break-ups and reconciliation and lots of anger and strong feelings. It's hard for anyone to keep their head in those circumstances. I'm not saying that flirting on Facebook is mature or wise. But it takes place in a context, a context where both of you are thinking, "Is the other one about to leave?" Both of you might reasonably be afraid to commit totally because the other person seems to have unstable feelings about the relationship. That's a realistic picture of your history. So it isn't totally unexpected that he might be hedging his bets.

My guess is that neither person in a relationship can settle down and find calmness and know what they really want unless they have some inner serenity of their own, serenity that isn't dependent on the relationship or the person. I know when I feel capable and centered, I'm much better at relating to others, in assessing the health of relationships, and in making wise choices. If I'm not centered, woo boy, I jump at shadows, and the drama builds. So I wonder if you might put the focus back on yourself, don't hurry a decision, and build up your serenity. Then you can get a calm and accurate look at him.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Dying and I relate in a Mattie sort of way...being a member of the Al-Anon
Family Groups haveing been married to an alcoholic addict and having numerous
breakups and to an Addict before that with a couple of breakups and with another
alcoholic in between with the same story. I am also a guy and well I've done very
similar stuff inbetween when I was told to get lost. That's what they said..."It's
over, Go Away!!" or something similar and when I did I didn't go away in the way
I was expected to go away...kinda familiar to what you were saying? Alcoholics
and Addicts are altered mind, body, spirit and emotions...and so are we in much
the same way. When I looked back at all the troubles I had in relationships where
the disease could be identified (all of them) there was always one person present
Me. Yes I had partners but then they all couldn't be wrong or crazy and the feed
back they gave me about myself from time to time couldn't always be off center.
None of them were blind and always uncaring. I played my part. I also didn't have
a plan to choose right relationships and was immature and into risky behaviors
also

In order to trust an alcoholic I learned I had to trust conditionally. Never expect
from an alcoholic (or anyone else for that matter) what they cannot or willnot
give. Don't expect the truth if they are too afraid to tell it and certainly if they
are normally in the habit of lying. If they are unreliable or unresponsible don't
place demands upon them because it becomes a set up for failure and "Expectations are just future resentments" when it comes to alcoholism.

This disease doesn't happen overnight and recovery doesn't either. There is so
much to learn in program and so many people to learn from that are so willing
to help.

I learned in program that if I didn't get a handle on who I was and why I do
the chance are I would keep making the same mistake over and over again
even while expecting different results. That is an accepted definition of insanity
and I would end up with another alcoholic or addict or alcoholic/addict. Been
there done that, that way. I'm done.

Keep coming back and join us in recovery. Be patient "Easy Does it". ((((hugs)))) smile

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I an understand. I held on and held on and held on. Al anon brought me many many tools.

I suggest you look at them, detachment, focusing on yourself. I know I had my own many many issues. I had a fascination with chaos, control and magical thinking. For me its been years to get healthier.

In time what you need to do about your relationship will become very very clear. Confusion drops and there is some clarity. I can't say its a walk in the park but there is no question the tools of al anon can really really help. Try them.

maresie.

Dyinginside · Veteran Member

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply to me with such depth.

There are so many great words of wisdom here.

Debi, his whole being and way has pulled me down. I can blame it on me for staying, but had I know his addiction was this intense, I would have run when I met him.
And the pulling down is so subtle.
It feels so odd that I just can't leave. I've tried and then I realize he's not his actions but a person who is not well.
I can't even say why I would come back and why I would leave.
Al Anon has been a great learning experience and what I need to really keep doing it looking at me and getting myself together.
I have hope he will come to grips with his major denial and bad actions, but not holding my breath.
Thanks you so very much for your insight.

Christy, at this point, if i didn't fear being alone, I would more than likely leave at this point. If you ask me this one a good week where him and I have a beautiful time and are friends. I would maybe say otherwise.
It's a ride of leave and stay. I'm going to work on getting a sponsor very soon.
Thank you so much

Mattie, I gulped when I read your reply because you are bang on.
He felt free and clear do what he wanted and he did. What bugs me and turns me off is how he can do this so easily.
I know men are wired a lot differently than women but the next day?
I admit, I hurt him over and over by leaving. I made him feel less than, and worthless. It's not an excuse for him to be a jerk, but it does explain it.
You take an addict with no self esteem and who is super insecure and treat them bad when they love u more than life, they may act out.
He is very emotionally immature.
He's 46 yrs old and goes to my FB and when he sees I add a game or a new friend, he always needs to make a comment.
Then he will try to make me jealous. Then denies it.
His denail seriously stuns me!
I understand what you're saying about inner serenity. I think I need to get to that place. but I need to stay focused.
Thank you so much

Jerry I can relate to what you're saying. That I need to look at me and how I am as well?!
I place many demands on him and you're right, he always says he feels like he can't please me.
I'll try to focused on me
Thank you

Maresie, I am a total control freak and though I don't have a need for drama or chaos, I do have a very negative out look on life.
I've suffere panic attacks for over 27 yrs and my life became about control in order to survive. I need to let go and yes, focus on me
I dream of the day I can have claity

Thank you all, I owe it to me to be kind to myself and focus on me. I always seem to stall because I just feel like I am ok. When I know I'm not.
Change scares the heck out of me.
I'll keep talking, posting and going to my meetings.
You are all so kind

MrsGratitude · Veteran Member

Thank you for posting.

The longest relationship we are ever in is the one with ourselves. That is the most important, the most crucial relationship we have.

For me, no trust is the deal breaker. I have to be able to trust people to tell me the truth and live their truth. Otherwise I truly believe I am going insane when I try to make sense of lies.

Please try to keep the focus on yourself and believe that he has his own higher power. As many meetings as you can get to will be of great help.

In recovery,

Mrs. G

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.