Relationships and infidelity and alcohol - Al-Anon Family Group

jasobel · Veteran Member

Relationships and infidelity and alcohol

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Jill...That was a big no no for me and I am sure that I co-participated at
times with my alcoholic wife while she was having sex during drinking with
others. When I felt certain enough (I didn't go hunting for other guys or
cause too large of a ruckus) I walked out. Sex and alcohol can result in bed
bugs that can cause a fatal disease. I got to thinking that I was having sex
with all of her affairs and all of theirs also. I had to save my own butt so I
went about doing that. It's a very serious situation. (((((hugs))))) smile

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Jill

I can remember where you are as an extremely painful place to be.

I too felt that sexual infidelity in my marriage was a deal breaker.

Once the trust is broken it is so very very hard to reestablish. With a sober person, this takes a great deal of work , with an active alcoholic I found it impossible.

In addition the fear of STDs was huge for me.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 1st of December 2009 11:37:27 PM

-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 2nd of December 2009 12:00:14 AM

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm with Jerry. Everyone has different boundaries but cheating is where the line was no longer in the sand. It was in cement. I can't wrap my mind around alcohol being an excuse for cheating, maybe a one night wasted mess up, but not for weeks.

sdisnie · Senior Member

Cheating....sometimes it feels more painful than dealing with the drunk. I've been through it...its the most painful experience ever. You feel that pain deep in your heart and soul.
From what I've learned with A's comes more than just that alcohol addiction, it sometimes often includes sex addiction.
A friend once told me, about 9 years ago, about my AH...the past is a pretty good indication of the future, he's never going to change and be the person you want him to be.
She was right...the last 9 years was more of the same stuff, more of what I went through the first 11 years...I kept holding on and holding on and hoping those times he was good would last...but now he's left, and living with a this woman and her two boys, and I can't seem to get over it, it's tearing me up inside. I feel its worse than all his drinking put together. And I hate myself and wish that I could have been the one to have left him, rather than him leaving me. I should have gotten to make that decision...not him...

Good luck, God Bless, hope my story helped you to think even a little...

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

It is horribly hard isn't it?
I don't feel cheating has anything to do with being an Addict. People cheat because they are cheaters, not becuz they are addicts.

Once my AH commited adultery, that was that. Made me sick. I didn't think anything would change how I felt about him. That did.

All I know is me hon. If I am in love with someone, really in love, I would NEVER want to be with anyone else. It is totally distasteful. blea!

You sorta answered yourself. You feel what you do. period. Of course you do. It is perfectly natural. Of course you don't want him in the same vicinity of the woman!

We cannot change anyone but ourselves. So what can you do to make yourself feel better about that? Have you told him your feelings? That does not mean you are telling him what to do, but I sure would hope he would change something to not be in the same place.

Jas whenever someone lied to me in my life, it changed how I felt about them. The feelings never came back. But that is me. Loyalty has always been number one with me.

To me that intimacy is the only thing the two people share with each other that no one else touches. It is such a precious bond.

I gotta say I am sorry this has happened to you. If I were you I would take lots of deep breaths, live my life, take care of me and really pay attention to how I feel. If I could not handle it, could not love him the same, I would have to separate. That is me.

Glad you are here. hugs,debilyn

DreamXL · Senior Member

Alchol is an explanation.......not an exuse :)

john boy · Newbie

Hi , I can relate to the cheating part , I was divoced this a few months ago , and after the divorce the x wanted to get back together again , so we strarted seeing each other again , off an on then she got on a dateing sight and started see several guys , so I told her that if she wanted to be together she had to stop seeing them ,mainly I didn't want to get a std from someone she was seeing , so she agreed , then after spending a few days together , I found out she was talking to one of the guys on the phone , which I blew up , said a few things , and left , then a few days later she said she wanted to get back together which i agreed to , dummy me ,then found out she was seeing several people again , including someone that I thought was a friend , that was the topper , I have never been so ( humililated ) in my life , needless to say I have had a rough time , tring to get over the worst relationship I have ever had and the only time I was ever married !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! , but trying to move on has been hard to get someone out of your mind that you love !! but with gods help I will make it , the good thing I have god , my church , and the rest of my closest friend ecept for the
( one guy ) , just had to vent , so I know what you are going through , my prayers are with you !
john boy

-- Edited by john boy on Wednesday 2nd of December 2009 09:26:18 AM

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

The ex A I was with didnt' have someone else but he certainly had all his friends and more. He went out of his way to make it seem alluring. In fact when I left him he made a point of mentioning some woman had propositioned him. I know for me personally (and this is my own ESH) he did it to get my attention. There was something very reassuring for him about me obsessing about him. As I learned to detach in al anon I stopped focusing so much on him and started focusing on me. I stopped looking for the cues. I stopped looking in his phone. I stopped being obessed with jealousy. One way I did that was to become very busy with al anon . I spent a lot of time here in the chat room. In fact I went to as many meetings as I could. I took all the spotlight off him and that helped tremendously.

Maresie.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello jas , it is truly sad that we think so little of ourselves that we allow ourselves to be treated like this , infidelity can be a problem with alcoholics but truly unexceptable . I have been where your at and I can tell u what it does to a woman to allow yourself to be treated this way , but I suspect u already know the answer to that one .
Have u thought about what disease he could be bringing home to you, God only knows who the woman has been sleeping with , please take care of yourself , you deserve better. Louise

Dyinginside · Veteran Member

maresie wrote:

The ex A I was with didnt' have someone else but he certainly had all his friends and more. He went out of his way to make it seem alluring. In fact when I left him he made a point of mentioning some woman had propositioned him. I know for me personally (and this is my own ESH) he did it to get my attention. There was something very reassuring for him about me obsessing about him. As I learned to detach in al anon I stopped focusing so much on him and started focusing on me. I stopped looking for the cues. I stopped looking in his phone. I stopped being obessed with jealousy. One way I did that was to become very busy with al anon . I spent a lot of time here in the chat room. In fact I went to as many meetings as I could. I took all the spotlight off him and that helped tremendously.

Maresie.

This stood out like a shot to the head for me just now.
This is EXACTLY why my BF does. He thinks jealousy = love.
When I met him he was super jealous and I, never had a jealous bone in my body.
Since being with him he's called ex's when we would fight or when I would fight with him and leave him saying it was over, he would seek out women right away.

He knows it NEVER ever bugged me when he would look at other women, in fact, I would point them out and now when he does it, you can tell he goes out of his way to make sure I see him stare.
I asked him not to do it and he does it even more.
He told me if when we had broken up for 6 weeks that if I had slept with anyone, he would have left me for good cause the pain would have been so great, yet he slept with someone when I left him. And that seemed OK! He seemed ok to tell me like he wanted me to hurt and be jealous

Good God, this is what he's doing. Why didn't I see this before.

You know what, I'm not going to talk to him about the other women he flirts with, stares at or talks to
I see he leaves his phone out for me to snoop. He WANTS ME TO SNOOP!

This has been an awakening for me right now. I feel this freedom I cannot explain right now

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

I've been there and it changed who I am- If I'm going to be the real me again I must focus on me.

As far as staying or not what advise would you give to your daughter when she is an adult if this was her situation? That may answer for you what you really feel is best deep in your heart. Whatever you do address you and your feeling so you can be the best person for your daughter. If your like me this will change you in ways you didn't realize and effect every relationship you have from now on unless you make a special effort to realize this was all about him and NOT about you at all!

My adult daughter told me one time: Mom didn't you realize that I was NOT going to grow up and love myself based on the way you loved me. I grew up to love myself the way I saw you love yourself.

With respect for you and your situation- Glad

-- Edited by glad on Saturday 5th of December 2009 09:00:33 AM

blender_girl · Senior Member

glad wrote:

My adult daughter told me one time: Mom didn't you realize that I was NOT going to grow up and love myself based on the way you loved me. I grew up to love myself the way I saw you love yourself.

With respect for you and your situation- Glad

-- Edited by glad on Saturday 5th of December 2009 09:00:33 AM

OMG - glad - thank you so much for posting this. I really needed to hear that today.

Jasobel - I have no additional ESH to give you - you've gotten some really good feedback from the others who responded. Just know that I relate to your situation and your pain. Take care of YOU, whatever that looks like. It will shine through to your child.

Hugs to all of you,

bg

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