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Okay so things have been going good for the most part. Im doing GREAT in school, work is going good, bills are getting paid on time..im having money leftover to shop for ME!!
I got sick and tired of the lies, manipulation, blaming me, him playing the victim. It seems only to get worse. I set a schedule for him to come see my son after asking him to write one with me. He refused just wanted to come every other day hour here, hour there when it was convenient for HIM of course. Well I have a life too and didn't like that, didn't like having to see him every day- every other day. So I added up the weekly time he came and schedule it for 2 days he NORMALLY has off work. Of course he didn't like it. I told him come at those times and leave before the 3 hrs is up. That way you don't have to call all the time and all that just show up when it's schedule to see your son.
So 2 weeks later his work schedule changes and so I NEED to change my schedule his says. All types of drama he wont call because he can't call me private from his new gf house. So calls from work. So we started emailing then I realized it was her emailing me back most of the time trying to cause more chaos im not goig to deal with. Told him if he can't come those times then whatever don't come im tired of all this. Then I asked since he picked up extra days at work he can start paying child support--- of course not he replied in an email he will never pay me a dime and I should be paying him money...And said that im being selfish.
But you know what the schedule worked for me. Only having to see him 2 days a week helped me keep my sanity and I was less stressed. Why do I continue letting what he says get to me? I don't know but Im TIRED of it so I just told him fine don't come at all. Just wait till court. He coudl have taken me to court by now but no he wants to put it off to put off child support not MY fault. His.
So I haven't let him come in the last 4 weeks. Legally (i called and talked to a couple different people) I don't have to and they say it wont look bad on me in court. He isn't even on his birth certificate right now.
So the problems im having is he calls, calls, shows up...day after day. I don't answer the phone or the door...He leaves messages sounds all sad saying he misses his son and im hurting him and our son blah blah and we need to talk and make something work..but i've tried to make the visitation work from the start he just I don't know doesn't want to cooperate unless it's on his selfish terms.
So should I be feeling bad? My son is doing okay. Each night he says daddy good night I love you before bed and to everyone else in our family... Im sure he misses his dad, but really he is doing good. And Im doing even better not having to deal with him or talk to him..or see him. but he just wont stop calling or coming over. And when he leaves messages i can hear them as he leaves them he says my sons name and will say tell mommy to pick up the phone and that he misses him and loves him..my son hasn't heard them yet but once and didn't seem to recognize it was his daddy.
Im just tired of it of him and not having to deal with him helps me. But am I being selfish? Am I hurting my son? I don't know what to do so been waiting till i can decide..But not sure what will help me decide. I guess maybe I have decided to just not let him come till we go to court which should be in the next couple months..but I know he misses our son and it's likely my son misses him but he's the one who doesn't want to agree on anything or respect my boundaries. I set them and of course he keeps trying to change them but im not letting him and he doesn't like it of course.
And I think he should be paying me child support. Eventually it will be in court and he will have to pay back from the date I filed in May..so by not paying me he is only screwing himself. He uses it to try and manipulate me-- if you let me take my son to the store I will buy him diapers.. of course I say no. He works and it's not that he can't afford it.he told me when we were still living together that if I chose to leave he would make it as hard on me as he could and it's what hes trying but im trying to not let it get to me. Im doign alright I dont NEED the money but of course it's the holiday and could use any extra money..
Alright im just going to shut up! LOL or i could ramble on forever..I guess i just don't know what to do so been waiting but not sure i will ever know..ESH!! needed!!
Thanks!!
-- Edited by Melissa21 on Monday 30th of November 2009 06:52:11 PM
__________________
"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
It is very hard when there is so much drama with everything. It sounds to me as if it will be a big relief when the court decides how much custody is mandated and how much support he will have to pay. Clearly bringing up the support issue with him just causes more drama, so stopping that conversation seems helpful.
I understand how helpful it is to have less turmoil in your life, but unless your ex is violent or liable to endanger your son, I myself would arrange visitation under controlled conditions. After so much turmoil, changing his work hours is obviously just one more aggravation for you, but it sounds as if your son is attached to his dad (and pretty much all kids are or want to be). If it's too much for you to deal with him, I wonder if you have a lawyer or someone he could make the arrangements with?
A relative of mine was prohibited from seeing his son by the mother, despite joint custody. Eventually the courts cited her for "alienation of affection," and she lost custody of the son. That's something you would want to avoid. So showing that you will go to reasonable lengths to let him see your son would be looked upon well by the courts. The challenge is holding the line if/when your ex starts up with the drama, of course. I've found that setting a range of possible times helped me -- for instance, "we can be available every Saturday or Sunday afternoon from 1-3, or Wednesday evening from 5-7." We arrange which one of them is our usual time (for instance, Sunday 1-3), and if something comes up where he can't make it, the other two times are up for discussion. This keeps us from having to restart the entire discussion every time. Drama is something you want to avoid; if his work schedule really does change, that's a different matter.
something u might try is to check with your local family support division of social services they might be able to help u find where u can have your x can have a visition with your son without u being there and they have someone in the room with them , I helped my x out by helping her find the same thing for her daughters father that had problems , but we found it through a thing called project safe which their is 2 people and a police offercer in the room with them ,wish u luck john boy
It is very hard when there is so much drama with everything. It sounds to me as if it will be a big relief when the court decides how much custody is mandated and how much support he will have to pay. Clearly bringing up the support issue with him just causes more drama, so stopping that conversation seems helpful.
I understand how helpful it is to have less turmoil in your life, but unless your ex is violent or liable to endanger your son, I myself would arrange visitation under controlled conditions. After so much turmoil, changing his work hours is obviously just one more aggravation for you, but it sounds as if your son is attached to his dad (and pretty much all kids are or want to be). If it's too much for you to deal with him, I wonder if you have a lawyer or someone he could make the arrangements with?
A relative of mine was prohibited from seeing his son by the mother, despite joint custody. Eventually the courts cited her for "alienation of affection," and she lost custody of the son. That's something you would want to avoid. So showing that you will go to reasonable lengths to let him see your son would be looked upon well by the courts. The challenge is holding the line if/when your ex starts up with the drama, of course. I've found that setting a range of possible times helped me -- for instance, "we can be available every Saturday or Sunday afternoon from 1-3, or Wednesday evening from 5-7." We arrange which one of them is our usual time (for instance, Sunday 1-3), and if something comes up where he can't make it, the other two times are up for discussion. This keeps us from having to restart the entire discussion every time. Drama is something you want to avoid; if his work schedule really does change, that's a different matter.
See I was worried about the alienation thing and that's why I called my child support worker (she works for the state and looked up the state law online). And talked to a lawyer briefly on the phone.
We were never married and he is refusing to sign birth certificate to delay child support. We can't go to court till the paternity test results come back. He KNOWS it's his kid. Just the whole child support issue which I have only broughten up 1-2 times and drop it quick.
But the child support worker said no I don't have to let him come, the cops (he called when I left TOLD him he had to take me to court for visitation since we're not married). He is the one delaying going to court. And I've told him if only you signed the papers we could be done with court and he just ignores it. So I specifically asked child support lady if it will look bad on me in court and she said no it wont he wont even sign the birth certificate.
All since I have left I have made it more than convenient for him to come. He coudl call and say im on my way and I would make arrangements for him to spend time with our son. WHENEVER HE WANTED.
And like you said make times. I did that. Friday 830am till 11am and then Sunday 3-6. I said just be here on time (which he never was) and when you leave is up to you. And the couple times he came he never stayed more than an hour and complained I was only letting him see his son 2 days a week). Alllll summer he had the same work schedule and 2 wks into what I did he says he works BOTH those days. So I asked for proof..then he admits he lied about friday. He just doesn't want to get up early on his day off--well all other days he works noon to 7 so he has plenty of time to sleep in. I wouldn't change it and he wouldn't come.
I wish he would just get sober so I could let him take my son. I could use a break at times. But he wont he has told me many times he can't stop drinking. Just says I drink much less now. But 2 months ago he got a DUI, came here once after that drunk (he drove)...Says he doesn't need treatment or AA. He's tried many times to take my son in the car while he's been drinkign when we lived together- always said as much as he loves his son drunk or not he would never harm my son-- well ..well im not going to comment on that...When we lived together he had passed out when my son was young and I was gone. I would come home ot my son screaming and him passed out wherever..
So it's not like im being a complete bi$*% by not letting him take my son alone. I have my reasons.
Im going to call social services or something tomorrow like you said and see if they will work something out, but as far as I've learned they wont till we go to court for custody. But it's worth a try!
__________________
"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
Hi , I have studied the effects of divorce on children.
This will be impacting your son wether he shows it or not.
Things I learnt Firstly the little one needs to know it is nothing he has done why dad has left, little children have great imaginations if we dont talk to them they fill in the gaps.
you also need to let him know that no matter what goes on both mummy and daddy love him so much and that wont change.
I know it is very hard especially with an A but we need to be very very careful that we dont bad mouth their dads in front of them, they are part of their dad he made them this can do lots of damage, also they love this person its very hurtful. I know grown ups who carnt handle it when one parent attacks another , all the fighting. As I say in theory it all sounds so easy.
I tell my kids that there dad loves them more than anything and that he is really ill, I use al non and explain in a age appropriate manner. Just like the pain we feel thinking if they loved me they would stop children also think I must not be loveable. Your child is young the main thing is he has contact ( along as it i safe)not he will grieve he doesnt understand. As he gets older he just needs to know you will always be there I am my kids rock they know this. There dad is sick but he loves them. they do get dissappointed but they have to accept the A just like we do.. When I know he is sick and its not personal it does not hurt as much.
take care of you, use your prograame hope this helps take what you like and leave the rest hugs.
My ex only wanted to see the kids to mess with me. He wanted to control the how and when he saw the kids. I was very accomadating for a long time and he took advantage of that. In his mind, him seing the kids was all about him, not about the kids. So, I put my foot down.
I left my ex partly because of the damage he was doing to the kids by being inconsistent. I have been told by many child experts in the private as well as the public sectors that it is better for the child to have consistency with the non custodial parent. Either there on a regular basis being reliable and trustworthy or not there at all. And that is stictly from the child's well being perspective, not taking into consideration the feelings of the dead beat parent.
Now, the courts do not recognize emotional abuse of the long term effects of Aism and abuse on children. They just hear that 2 paents are better than one. And they are wrong andnow, with studies comingout,they a being told they are wrong.
So, I asked for and got third party supervision. That way, I could be sure that the kids were safe and I didn't have to deal with my ex. Also, third party would hold ex responsible for all visits and would monitor closely how he behaved and what he said to the kids. Third party would also keep an eye on the kids and how they were reacting to him etc.
He made 2 visits and then didn't show for the one before Christmas. Heartbreaking, but very typical of him. That was 2 years ago. As time has passed, I feel VERY comfortable with my decision. I know that my motive is to keep me and the kids safe. And my kids are thriving without his instability and insanity. Yes, the miss him. But it is NOT my job to make him be a good father. Once I took my hands off and let go and let God, allowing my ex to be the father he wanted to be, well, he decided to not be a father at all.
If your ex really really wanted to see his child, if it were that important, than he would have a lawyer and be taking you to court yesterday. It sounds to me that he is simply using your child to stir the pot, get a reaction out of you, look like the victim in this situation.
Don't fall for it. If he wanted to be a dad and do what is best for his kid, there are tons of father's rights groups that would help him do just that. Watch his actions, don't listen to his words.
