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It's been a while since my last post - yikes a month already! - but I have been reading and responding as I can every day.
This is going to be a long one - so be forewarned!
It's been a month filled with grief. Thank goodness for this program. I don't believe I would have been able to cope nearly as well as I have without it.
In addition to the stress and heartache that goes along with the divorce process, my beloved grandmother passed away recently - she was and will continue to be a treasure to me and many others.
I find myself in a state of uneasy limbo - we have no orders in place yet that specify visitation conditions or temporary possession of assets. The hearing for this is over a month away. Even though AH did move out, he finds it necessary to call me and remind me somewhat belligerently that technically he doesn't have to be out and that he can pretty much do what he likes as far as our young son is concerned with regard to visitation.
So last weekend was a series of tense phone calls in which AH stated his desire to take our son to his mother's home 3 hours away to celebrate Thanksgiving. It was obvious to me that AH was drinking during these calls - he was aggressive, repeated the same thing over and over, demanding answers to questions I had already answered numerous times over the past few minutes. Ugh.
You'd think I'd have figured out by now that I have the choice to not pick up the phone after the first unpleasant call. What a concept Oh well - all I can say is that I was vulnerable and tired after the usual gatherings that accompany a funeral.
Naturally, the thought of having our son riding in a car for 3 hours with his A father concerned me deeply. I finally agreed to AH's proposal under the condition that he not drink 8 hours before they left as well as during the entire time our boy was in his care. Of course, this angered my AH and he was pretty snarky with me after that, but by the next day, he was back to being Mr. Contrite & Cooperative and we managed to put together a game plan that was acceptable to both of us.
The next day, Mr. Hyde was back - calling me to confirm plans numerous times, reminding me about the lack of formal orders, hassling me over why his emails to me bounced back - I have no idea what he did - there had to be some kind of error on his end as I was able to send emails to the addresses I had provided as well as to him. But this time I was able to maintain my composure and get him to stick to facts and not get sucked into the drama he was slinging my way.
At this point, I started seriously thinking about what types of safety nets I could put in place for our son. I finally accepted that I was going to have to allow him to go if his dad was not drinking as per my conditions when the time came for them to leave.
So I booked a hotel room in the town where my MIL lives - I would rather be 15 minutes away than 3 hours if AH decides to act out over the trip. I got our son a cell phone so he could call or text me any time. Our older son, who is 19, decided to go on the trip as well, so he can alert me if anything goes awry.
AH pulled himself together and so far has stuck to the plan we agreed upon. They made it to my MIL's home without incident and so far so good. In the meantime, I am camping out in my hotel room - AH is not aware of this and I'm just going to remain "invisible" for the duration. Older son is aware that I had booked the room, but I have not confirmed with him that I am in town. No one else, outside of my lawyer and one of my close program friends, knows that I am here.
But at the moment, I am feeling a bit foolish and more than a little crazy for following through on this - I'm second guessing myself all over the place.
On one hand, I'm close by if AH succumbs to the bottle and can extract our kids from an unstable situation should it arise. Camping out in a hotel room also gives me loads of time to work on me - I brought a bunch of literature with me. It's not like I had anything planned if I had stayed home anyway.
On the other hand, I feel guilty for not trusting my HP to take care of things for me. I've asked myself if I'm trying to control the situation - and I think that if I let everyone know I was in town, I would be doing just that. Therefore, by staying under the radar and not directly inserting myself into their activities, I am not trying to control the situation - I'm simply providing a safety net for my kids, right?
I think it's time to shoot the dang hamster, LOL
Thanks for listening and for whatever feedback you provide.
I don't think you could have come up with a better plan by any means. I think its absolutely incredible.
I do hope for your sake that the court comes through with some orders for you. I am also glad you have kept your lawyer in the loop. As far as I am concerned you have nothing to feel foolish about. I don't doubt HP was in there with you every step of the way.
I do hope the stress of thanksgiving does not affect all your other holidays. Generally in a custody agreement one parent has the child one holiday so your A cannot claim to have plans for Christmas!!!!
On the other hand, I feel guilty for not trusting my HP to take care of things for me.
Remember that humans have free will. Should your A decide to drink and endanger your child, HP has no control, therefore you need not feel guilt.
I'm not a fan of "everything happens for a reason", nor do I believe it (with good reason). I guess there's a way to explain away everything that happens in life and that's the easiest thing to say. HP can't control us and give us free will at the same time.
I think you're doing the right thing and I hope you enjoy your time with yourself.
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Yikes. I'm glad you made plans to give your kids back-up if the situation warranted. My own experience is that my AH would make all kinds of earnest promises not to drink in certain situations. He may even have meant them, I don't know. But it had no bearing on whether he actually drank. He was incapable of keeping those promises. It just meant he might be a little more secretive about the drinking. I wouldn't trust an alcoholic to drive a kid anywhere.
Another thing to consider is what my lawyer told me: that the pattern you set up in the interim period, before the courts decree the custody arrangements, is very important. If you show that you trust your ex to drive your son places -- or just that you've allowed him to drive your son places -- they won't take it seriously if you say that you don't want that to be allowed any more. My lawyer told me to establish the routine that I thought was safe and should be long-term, and the courts would take that very seriously. So if I let our son stay overnight with his dad, the courts will regard that as normal and won't see any reason to prohibit it in the custody arrangements. But if I feel that his dad will probably get drunk and be unreliable and endanger him, I shouldn't expose my son to that, and the court will look at that when deciding. I hope I'm explaining this clearly; it feels complicated!
Anyway, for our own safety, I was told to be very careful about what kind of precedents I set. (When he protested, I found "Please take it up with my lawyer" was effective, though I know situations vary.) I also found that where drinking was involved, none of his promises could be kept. And my ex is one of those well-intentioned guys who doesn't get aggressive or nasty. But where alcohol was concerned, lies, more lies and broken promises were the norm.
This interim period is definitely a balancing act. I have to demonstrate my willingness to be flexible yet ensure that sufficient safeguards are in place in the event my AH fails to meet the conditions set. I am worried about the precedent setting issue, but at least in this case I clearly stated beforehand verbally and in writing the condition that he not drink during his time of possession. I will also have documentation to show that I was still concerned enough to be in close proximity during the time in question.
It's tough - I'll be glad when we can get something agreed upon and formalized so that we can move forward.
It is good to hear from you, but let's not shoot the hampster just yet. Although it saddens me to hear about you in a hotel room by yourself, I'm guessing you've got enough program behind you to use the time wisely. When it comes to protecting the kids, I believe almost anything is up for grabs.
