The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I posted here this weekend, my ABF's brother was diagnosed with lung cancer and things have been going down hill for my abf since. I just found a 24oz beer in a brown bag in his truck tool box, I was actually in there looking for a small screwdriver. This means he is not only drinking on the weekend but drinking on his way home from work or visiting his brother during the week. He is not a weekday drinker or never has been. So now I am angry I am angry because I told him this weekend I'm not going to watch him self medicate and I'm not going to live like this. I am angry because I feel stuck in this situation #1 because I have no job I stay home and take care of the kids so I feel financially stuck #2 if I leave or ask him to leave I feel people will think I am an awful person for doing so at a time like this when he is so upset. I am feeling so many emotions I'm not sure which way is up and which way is down.I don't know how much more of this I can take. I'm tired of hearing how it is my problem and it doesn't affect the kids and about all the things I need to change about myself, he only says this stuff when I confront him about his drinking. 7 years and I'm lost. I don't want to be lost anymore. Holly
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You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.
You do not HAVE to do anything right now but try and take care of you and your kids. He is going to do what he is going to do.....trust me, I know firsthand. Start putting together a plan B. Nothing has to be done this instant. I know it probably feels like it does. When I have felt this way in the past it is because I am trying to do something quickly to FORCE A SOLUTION. It does not work. Take your time and pray to HP for strength to just detach. Go to f2f meetings if possible, come here and read and post and go to online meetings. Do whatever you can do to detach one minute at a time.
The only thing that can change today is your reactions to your AH.
Hello Holly , I hope u will find f2f meetings quick your going to need support from people who have been where your at. u cannot fight this alone nor do u have too. Your bf is only doing what A's do * drink* expecting rules and ultimatums to change things just dont work . There is nothing u can do about his drinking , your not the reason he drinks regardless of what he may say . Please get help for yourself , there is alot u can do for YOU . I was told that I was the one with the problem * by a Al-Anon member hehe to say the least I was not impressed , what she meant was that until HE says what he's doing is causing HIM a problem it ISNT its causing me a problem . Until we stop enabling nothing will change , we continue to believe the lies the promises that are never kept , we lie for them we cover up thier rotten behavior and the list goes on . OUR insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting this time it will be different , and it never is . Threats dont work , ultimatums don't work , tears don't work Al-Anon Works as it says in out literature it is possible to find happiness whether the alcoholic is drinking or not .
-- Edited by abbyal on Thursday 26th of November 2009 10:26:52 PM
Hi Holly, I can realte to your share my ABF has just slipped big time after 6 months sober after the death of his baby nephew. I ended it 6 months ago because I couldnt take anymore and he went into AA I told him I wanted to be healthy and be around healthy people. He has gone down again and I dont care what other people think I am sticking to what I said I have always backed down what other people think is their problem my problem is to take care of me and my kids. I have struggled with many emtions over the past 3 weeks. when I get angrey I have to tell my self its not about me he is really ill. Then I have to stop myself feeling guilty for doing what is right for me.
Fact my partner is sick very sick. I can not fix him only he can He has choices he chooses to drink self medicate run from reality
it is painful at moment but so is the crazyness of this disease, I will not have active drinking in my home by my kids anymore. what he chooses to do about this is up to him I just want peace
hope this help take what you want and leave the rest you know what is best for you all our lives are different this is just my story hugs
You are in the right place. I came here years ago, no job, no way to take care of myself. I eventually got a part time job and it was pretty difficult to do living with the ex A. There are many of us here who understand. No one here is going to judge you. I don't doubt there are always people who will judge when it is time to leave and when it isn't. I find myself very angry at the moment that I didn't leave sooner, no matter how impossible my life was at the time.
I do absolutely know for me the program has helped immensely. Learning to detach, learning to let go, learning to focus on myself. I know I absolutely worried myself sick about the ex A's using and abusing. Nothing but nothing about my worrying changed anything one iota. I did start to take actions, one of them was to detach, another was to stop arguing about his using. There was no point confronting him anymore. He chose to "use" and I chose to get out of his way.
I can't recommend more highly the book Getting them Sober. That book and the web site can give you good ways to know how to detach and to change your expectations. I lived for years being alternately angry and sad for the ex A. I started to focus on myself and my focus came off him and onto myself.
