The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello, all, I'm new here but not new to Al Anon. Have read lots of your posts, and my story is just like everyone else's in so many ways. 17 years married to AH, second marriage for me, third for him. He has two adult children, I have none. We're older -- in our early 60's now, and I am financially dependent on him...he is an executive and makes good money, although we are in bankruptcy and nearly lost our home to foreclosure because of legal bills, probation fees...blah, blah, blah. I'm sure many of you, of all people, will understand.
I have come to realize that I am emotionally dependent as well, and even through I can't get out physically, I would like to try to salvage some of my life and want to start by getting a counselor of some sort. I need to deal with the anger, resentment, hurt, and heartbreak somehow. Our insurance will pay for at least some help, so I want to take advantage of it. My question is -- what to look for in choosing a counselor? Psychiatrist, psychologist, social worker, "certified" counselor? What questions to ask, what expertise to look for? I know there are lots of people who specialize in addictions, but is that what I need? I know my visits will be limited by what the insurance will cover, so I don't want to waste too many on the wrong person.
Any advice or experience will be appreciated. Thanks for being there, too.
essgee1952, My son is the alcoholic in our family. We've seen quite a few counselfors over the last 3 years. Some have been affiliated with rehab, some have not. My best experience was with the counselors who accepted where you were, and didn't have a time schedule in their heads for your progress. I just got done reading Getting Your Children Sober by Toby Drews, and it had a lot of advice about choosing a counselor..in fact it had a checklist. I know her first book is referenced at the top of this page. I have not read it. I wish I would have called the few counselors there are in this area and asked LOTS of questions before I chose one. Good luck. Suzi
How about trying some Alanon meetings in your area? You can find them by calling 1-888-4alanon. Not all counselors truly understand addictions and the repercussions. Alanon is free and everyone there understands. Working the program will definately help you find peace.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
My personal experience has been that Alanon works faster and better with problems related to loving an alcoholic. I currently go to approx. 3 alanon meetings per week and see a shrink once a week. My psychiatrist even agrees that alanon has helped me a lot since I started going about 1 year ago.
I'm going to school to be an LPC right now and I would say that it really doesn't matter what kind of counselor you choose as long as you feel comfortable with the person and can build a good rapport in a short time. The counselor will focus on you and what you want to change, I don't think having a specialty in addiction counseling will really make a difference. Any licensed professions should have the skills necessary to help you work through what you want to resolve.
I don't think an addiction specialty is necessary, as people have noted, but in the first session, or first few sessions, talk over the addiction problems and make sure the counselor has some experience or first-hand knowledge of addiction treatment. I had a great counselor who was otherwise superb, and who believed she had enough knowledge to counsel me on addiction issues, but unfortunately she didn't and I went wrong at several points, and wasted years. For instance, she thought that I could just get an agreement from my AH to not drink at certain times, and that I could have him promise not to drink and drive, and that would solve the problem. And when I was unsure whether he was really an alcoholic, I had no idea that he might be sneaking alcohol and deceiving me, and she was clueless about this too, and surprised when it turned out to be the case -- she seemed just as naive as me about what alcoholics get up to.
Later the AH and I went to a marriage counselor, and when I brought up the alcohol issue -- I wasn't sure the AH was an alcoholic at that point, but I was increasingly worried -- the counselor believed the AH when he assured him that he just drank "now and then" and that it was "all under control." He didn't dig any deeper, and we wasted a lot of time trying to solve the consequences of alcohol without looking at the deeper problem.
This leads me to believe that a number of otherwise good and well-meaning counselors can be dangerously naive about alcoholism. So be sure they know what they're doing, even if otherwise they seem like a good fit.
Thanks again, all, but especially for the experiences shared by Mattie. I know my AH has fooled counselors at his rehab center, so I know that even those who work in addicton every day don't always get it right. I ran right out and bought "Getting Them Sober" today and am halfway through it and looking forward to picking up more of her books. I was skeptical because of the three "C's" and I didn't think there was anything I could do to "get him sober"...but it's more about getting me right, which is what I am determined to do. It feels a lot like I felt when I finally decided to quit smoking almost 7 years ago -- a strong determination that the time was finally right, but also the personal decision that I would use every crutch available that would help me get there. And I did.
I would suggest doing telephone interviews. Write about what you want and review it after the telephone interview. Many many people offer introductory sessions. I know people who have interviewed many people. I also know I did not do that. I have had probably in the double digit number of counselors now over decades. Some of them work out and some of them don't.
I do think you are on the right track to be focusing on yourself and what you can do. I also know for me it was al anon that gave me tremendous tools to learn how to detach. I hope you will choose to stay here as well as go to meetings.
