Was looking at a Christmas catalogue today and saw that quote "Lead me, Guide me, Walk beside me" It really stuck with me throughout the day.

I realized after the AlAnon convention that my life and my recovery was not what I had thought it was.  I had thought that my "qualifer" for lack of better words was my sober EXABF.  After all, wasn't it with him, and the end of our relationship that I hit my bottem?  Wasn't he to blame for my unhappiness and my issues?:)  No he wasn't.......he was just the straw that broke the camals back so to speak.  He was an alcoholic (because I can find an A a million miles away), he was sober for 10 yrs when we met and he went to weekly meetings.  To me he was perfect.......in a short time I made him my HP, and wanted what I thought he had,  and when he left I was destroyed.  What he was, was just a man, an A, with all his own issues to deal with, and coupling his issues with mine was more than any one person should have to handle.  No one person can supply any of us with everything we need-I didn't know that then and I am sure the weight I put on him was to much to bear at times.

The more time I spent at the convention, the more the past came back to life and I realized that my EXABF was the reason I was in the rooms today, and at the convention, but he wasn't my qualifer by any means. What he was was my messenger........HP sent him to me to guide me and help me, and by hurting me, he did just that.

  My exAH, was the reason I was there.  And after several hours at the convention the past came flooding back-it was like opening flood gates to a whole other dimension in time. 

I remembered the abuse, the mental, sexual and physical abuse of years gone by.  I remembered broken bones, busted teeth and black eyes. I remembered steak knives flying by my face, and being choked unconscious and promises the next day filled with regret and tears. He used to say "you wouldn't leave me if I had cancer would you?"  and NO I wouldn't have, so I stayed and stayed and tried even harder to be a better wife, lover, friend, worker, whatever it was that I THOUGHT I lacked, because back then I KNEW that I was the problem, and the reason for all the misery, after all he had told me repeatedly and he would never lie, right?   I remembered flowers and promises to NEVER lie, cheat, hit or drink again~and I believed them all, each and every time.  This time he'll stop I'd think.  This time he can see what he's done to me physically and it will help him stop.  It never happened. I married him for better or worse, so I just kept thinking....this is worse.... I was 23 at the time.  I remember every time I thought of going to my brother for help, usually after every fight and/or beating, and he would threaten to kill him if I did, and I knew he would, if my brother didn't kill him first when he found out.  For certain, my brother would have been killed or went to jail for killing EXAH, so I remained silent......for years.........I remained silent...I got so good at hiding it that I hid it from myself. I remember telling EXAH one time especially, probally many more, that the bruises and bones would heal but the hatred and the things he said and did would never go away..........and I was right-they didn't, I buried them all to help me survive mentally, and now it's time for me to acknowledge them all and let them go...........All the memories came flooding back at the convention, as I listened to woman after woman,  tell my story.

I realized that weekend that EXABF was in my life, or walking out of it when I hit my bottem, but he was in no way responsible for it.........My bottem came from years and years and years of denial and burying things so deep that I forgot they existed. From years of not knowing what a healthy honest relationship looked like, from years of self esteem issues and codependant behaviors.   My bottem came because it needed to, for me to get where I am today.  Which is not perfect by any means, but much healthier and happier. 

I realize now more and more daily that I am a very blessed woman, and that I have a HP in my life who loves me just the way I am.  My HP lead me through a marriage that by all rights I probally never should have physically survived, and He let me bury things to survive mentally until a time I could deal with the emotions safely. He never once left my side, He just waited for me to find my way back.

I have a magnet on my fridge and it really says it all to me these days..........

God sees us as we can be, but loves us as we are. 
I didn't love myself for a very long time, luckily my HP continued to love me enough for both of us.


Thanks for letting me share........I really needed to get this all out.......a little at a time, but progress right?
love and peace,
Shelly