The material presented
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level.
My sober exAH's g/f is an A, supposedly sober. My 16 yr old son once described her kind of in a quandry, as "more like someone I go to school with than an adult" and has said that he sees the relationship his dad has with her as "not something that will last; more like a highschool romance". I thought this was insightful and poignant, given what is known about the arrested emotional development of alcoholics.
Anyhow, my son has expressed to me that the g/f tells him all her woes when my exAH is not available, and that he just listens. He doesn't give me details and I haven't pushed, but it has been really difficult for me since it is inappropriate on so many levels. It is my responsibility to protect my kids, however, if I violate his confidence in me, it may not only affect my relationship with him, but it would also set him up for the wrath of the g/f, and that is not fair to him.
Well, on Thurs night, my son needed me to take him to his my exAH's to get something. Ex was not there, but g/f was. I pulled up just beyond the house and waited. We waited for a few minutes and when he did not come out right away, I flipped around to wait right in front of the house. What I saw was her in the kitchen window clearly upset, pacing, waving her arms and what looked like yelling at my son who stood frozen with his hand on the doorknob. I finally had to honk to interupt the exchange. He came out with a funny look on his face. I asked about what I saw and he said she was "just talking about random things". Within 20 minutes of getting home, she sent me 2 text messages (the first time in 2.5 yrs). The first one said, "When will u move on with ur life and stop trying to bring others down?", and two minutes later, "what does recovery mean to you?" Guess what, my friends?! I had some fabulous responses in my head, but I did not respond to her! Yay!, for me.
That said, I took this whole episode as the invitation I needed for me to get involved. Thank you, HP! I waited for 2 days until a time when all was calm. I expressed to my son that I was concerned about what I saw and that she had texted me (didn't share content). He did not tell me much and wasn't very clear, but did say she was ranting about her ex, had showed her texts from him, and alluded to the fact that she was upset that I had talked to her ex about a concern we both share (in regards to kids' sleeping arrangements in the house) and said that she confirmed with him what my cell phone number was. He obviously didn't want to talk about it, and said he was uncomfortable with all of it. I made a few comments, and confirmed that I was concerned about him and I loved him, and let it go. Of course the truth is, that divorce is ugly, she is reaping the consequences of her poor decisions, and it is no one's fault but her own and she needs to own it, but I did not say that. Ugh. I don't know if my exAH know these communications occur between them, but I think not. Though I know our body language speaks volumes at times, I do think we both try pretty hard not to involve our kids in our issues, and to overall teach them to respect the other parent.
So, I've been thinking about it since yesterday and I came to a decision in how to proceed. I cannot just let it go. One of the greatest things I have learned from my sponsor is when communicating with my ex, just focus on what I want him to hear. I try to leave out emotions and what I think about him and g/f (besides, I've already made it very clear ) So, I composed the following email, and I would appreciate any input, for this whole issue is about protecting my children and I want to be as effective as I can in expressing and hopefully accomplishing that.
On Thurs night I took son to your house to get his "thing". As we sat outside waiting for son, I could see g/f in the kitchen window. She was clearly upset, pacing , waving her arms, and what appeared to be yelling at son who stood frozen with his hand on the doorknob. I finally honked to interupt the exchange and remind son that we were outside waiting for him. He came outside and his face was flushed. Within 20 minutes of getting home, g/f texted me 2 messages. I did not respond.
The emotional issues that g/f has (regarding me, her ex, her life) are adult issues and she must not share them with our children. It is confusing, hurtful and damaging to them.
So, that is it. Any thoughts on this?
Blessings, Lou
__________________
Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Oh boy, what a difficult situation. How inappropriate her behavior is. It sounds as if she's really volatile and immature. Whether she's drinking or not, her behavior is drinking-type behavior, isn't it? Dry drunk or wet drunk, it's not sober behavior.
I remember posting a different question on these boards a while back and getting an answer that really opened my eyes. People suggested that I should never try to put other people in charge of controlling an alcoholic. For one thing, of course, they can't control an alcoholic any more than I can. So I'm setting the situation up for unrealistic expectations and failure. I would imagine that dealing with your ex is problematic anyway. I have a hard time dealing with my ex without my emotions and old sore points creeping in.
But the bottom line is that I'd think it's certain that your ex can't control his girlfriend's behavior. And putting yourself in between the two of them -- yikes.
It's true that your son shouldn't have to be exposed to this. None of us should have to be exposed to any alcoholic or dry drunk behavior. But we can't change that by changing the drunk. I'm wondering if you can limit your son's time there. Or does he go to Alateen? Maybe he can get some strategies there for dealing with crazy-making behavior.
I'm sure he realizes she's out of control.
There are always so many ways for us to get sucked back into the chaos and turmoil of alcoholic behavior. I would want to keep clear. Serenity is so hard-earned. It's tempting to march in and tell people what's right, but then they don't cooperate, and there goes the serenity.
I agree with Mattie that your exAH cant control his gf behavior. However it is inapropriate for her to do what she is doing. I don't think it is out of line to ask exAH to look into the situation and take steps to prevent it from happening, ie not let son be alone with gf or whatever needs to happen to stop son from being put in this position. That is how you parent.
It may help to acknowledge to exAH that you realise he cannot control gf's behavior, but you are concerned about these exchanges.
Hope that helps,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Yet again Lou, you are an inspiration. Your self control and maturity are incredible. I have serious doubts that I will ever achieve the levels you have. You ROCK!!!!
I liked what has been said about not being able to control. But you are the sane parent here. So, what can you do? I know what I would probably do, but that would NOT be helpful . I think if you're pissed off, you have every right to tell your ex you are. His GF's behavior is emotionally abusive and you did not ask or allow this emotionally abusive person into your son's life, he did. I think sometimes we get so caught up in trying to manipulate the A into getting what we want, we stuff our real feelings and hide our anger in hopes that the A will do the right thing.
Personally, I would be mad and I would let the "grown ups" involved know that I was mad. Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable and many times I have accepted it in hopes of getting what I wanted insted of saying or doing what I wanted to.
oh good luck. I know you will do/say the right thing (which is probably the oppisite of what I would do/say...LOL)
) So, I composed the following email, and I would appreciate any input, for this whole issue is about protecting my children and I want to be as effective as I can in expressing and hopefully accomplishing that.