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I had my first initial status conference today with my AH...I wasn't exactly sure what to expect, but I was thinking that he wouldn't get real parenting time with his 16 year long history of documented drinking and drug use. That really didn't get brought up today, and our temporary orders hearing is set for FEB. 3rd!!! Yes, Feb 3 .....unbelievable!! In the mean time, he gets to see his children every Weds night for dinner for a couple hours and then EVERY single Saturday from 10-3. This man has been in the hospital well over 100 times for major alcohol intoxication, suicide attempts, overdoses, etc, 3 DUI's and 4 rehabs. But he can see his kids every single Saturday. I don't understand. I really don't. And his lawyer is pushing VERY hard for him to get overnights (he now resides an hour away) But they are easing me into this transition apparently. There is NO WAY I can agree to overnights when he's actively drinking whether or not he says he'll not drink around them. He says he'll do BA's...HA! We all know how that works! His lawyer even suggested he get a hotel room for his overnights until he's ready to subject my kids to his crazy girlfriend!!! What in the world?? A hotel?? What is going on here? What happened to the best interest of the kids? They are soooo concerned with him having them sleep somewhere with him rather than them being safe in their home with a non alcoholic mother????
I turned it over to my HP today and this is what I get. I've been with this man for 20 years, have endured the alcholism and all the pain that I've been through and still in the end he wins. WHY??? Why does he ALWAYS get what he wants? He's got his freedom, he's got a girlfriend he's living with, she lets him drink, and now he gets to hurt me with the kids..and everything else that's going on. How do I let this go? I don't think I can. I feel my HP has failed me again and given him his cake and eat it to. :(
Do you have a lawyer? What does he or she say about this? The sad fact is that often the person with the best lawyer wins. But something is clearly wrong about this and your lawyer should be putting a stop to it. Has your ex been actively irresponsible in charge of the kids? A relative of mine was merely charged by his ex with abuse and he was required to see his kids only under supervision while the matter was being adjudicated. He was eventually cleared of all charges (and that was just; in her case she was just trying to play the system), but while it was being decided, he couldn't see the kids alone. Your lawyer should make this happen in your case, or explain why not. I do hope you can afford a good one. It is very frustrating. If it happens that you're required to let your kids be with him at the appointed times, be careful to observe his state and document, document, document. I'm so sorry this is so hard.
Boy I dunno Shanda.. to me, that sounds like a pretty darn good interim settlement, in your favor.... think of it... he gets them for six hours per week, you get them for 162 hours.... I can't think that there was much likelihood of anything more one-sided than that..... The "fear" of what he might get later on - ie. supervised visits - is just that, at least for now.... I'd hug those kids for all you're worth, and be thankful for the time that you DO have with them...
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Nothing has been decided yet , so don't panic . Your kids are old enough to call u if things get too crazy , the hrs sound not too bad , gives u a break and no over nites he wil have to come to them * your city * . The disease is what wins not your husband , you will get your chance in court in Feb . u will be heard and your evidence seen by the right people. Your kids are also old enough to say they don't want to see him . Hp isn't doing this to you , God gave man free will and some of us don't do too well with that . Hang in there it will all work out . Louise
I hear and can feel every single ounce of pain and dispare in your post and my heart goes out to you.
I believe that Tom hit the nail on the head with his response....right now, today, you have to look at what you DO have and you DO have alot. It could be much worse BUT, today, it isn't. Somehow someway you have to keep your focus on this...just today....
I know personally, this is easier said than done, as today I am struggling to stay focused in this day only also. For me I have found that going back through my C2C book and reading everything I can on worry and fear has helped. I know worry will rob me of my strength today and it has been.
Don't let your faith go. I agree, HP isn't done here yet. Trust in HP's will for you and your children and keep the faith. I really believe from what you wrote, that HP was right there beside you when these recent decisions were made, and though they may not be exactly what you want, don;t let worry and fear take away how well things did work out.
Love you and thinking about you.......... Remember............This too shall pass:) Shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Things are never what they seem to be. I have thought that my AHsober has won many times in my marriage (30+). It isn't fair. But if we focus on them then we stay in our victim mode. Hard I know. In the program they tell us to accept what is but we don't have to like it or agree it. Hang in there.
WHY was his history NOT brought up today?????? The court won't know unless YOU tell them!!!!!
Do you have a lawyer? Do your children want to be with him? Can you get a Guardian Ad Lietem (or however you spell it) for the kids?
I understand your fear. In 6 hours with a drunk, there's no telling what could happen. And I'm just thinking of the verbal/mental abuses that could take place (if he has a history of that).
My ex was stuck at the motional age of maybe 13 on a good day. And when a 1 year old ges angry, bored or frustrated, many times thy revert to actinglike a 2 year old. I don't understand WHY the courts don't get that. I really don't. I wish the judge would be ordered to send HIS kids to spend time with a active alcoholic.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. And I do agree with Christy that mad HP isn't done yet. For me, I had to get mad and stay mad to protect my kids from the A. Because if I started feeling sorry for myself or seeing him as "winning" I would fall into a deep depression and not have the energy to fight for the saftey (physicaly AND emotionally) of my kids.
Stay strong, check your motives, call your lawyer and stay focused. This too shall pass.
