The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH have been apart for a year. I am just now seeing how I have been damaged by living with an A for so long.
Someone here posted a while ago an acronym for fear: False Evidence Appearing Real. That really stuck with me and I see that I am enmeshed with fear. While living with my A he would go through bouts of clarity and sobriety. Everytime I believed that this was the beginning of our new lives together in good health, only to be severely dissapointed. Now I an in a new and wonderful relationship with someone who totally loves me for who I am, faults and all. But, I am in constant fear that his feelings will change. I take the smallest thing, such as him getting up before me, as a sign that his feelings are changing. I need him to constantly reassure me that he loves me.
Another bit of baggage is that I spent 10 years taking care of everything without input from my AH because he was either drunk or didnt care. I managed the house, bills, business, child. Now in my new relationship I have a tendency to do that as well, except I am dealing with a person who wants to be involved, do his share, and have input. There have been several instances where I go too far without consulting him, which makes him feel left out and me overburdened. This morning he said, "I want you to come to me, you are not alone anymore." :)
I guess you can't change things if you don't acknowledge them, so I have taken a step in the right direction by putting this down in words. I wonder how others dealt with the baggage left behind by their A's.
Look how far you have come, instead of concentrating on how far you have left to go, you are moving in the right direction. My A has been missing for 5 days after 6 months sober. I am facing reality I want to be where you are. Well done for loving yourself enough to pick a sensible, loving reliable partner this time.
Your in a better position than I'm in. I'm carrying around a lot of baggage that I'm trying to get rid of. 20 years worth, and I like you always believed when he'd be clean for a few months, it was the beginning of our new lives together and that things would stay that way this time!! It's very hard to let go of things like that, we can work our program everyday, but it's still there in the back of our minds, and if it weren't, we wouldn't be coming to this website or going to meetings even years after it all has ended. I believe that A's effect us for life no matter what, it's a burden that we will always carry and there are always moments that we can put them aside for awhile, but they are still always there. Much love... Shanda
