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My A partner has honed selfishness into a fine art. I know, I know. All of them are selfish; of this I have no doubt. But you would think that one who went on a binge, boarded an airplane for London, stayed a week in the Dorchester Hotel there and had the nerve to come back, would be just a bit contrite. After all, this little excursion, which he swears he remembers nearly none of, came at a cost of more than $4000.00. Alas, his selfishness remains intact. And guess what folks??? He still sulks if he doesn't get his way.
My bad, I suppose, for allowing him to come back into my home. I really ought to kick his behind out for good and all. But I see the good in him, and keep hoping it will prevail.
He has come between me and my dreams, and I have allowed him to do so. For this, I am angry and resentful, yet I have only myself to blame. I am beginning to show physical signs of the stress. No question, he is toxic to my well-being. I am looking for the strength to break my ties to him once and for all.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
His denial covers all angles of wrong doing. To admit to anything is admitting to it all. We only have one go around at this life, my friend. I hope you find the strength to put you and your dreams first, they've been on hold many years. And really, what has that accomplished? There's been no change in circumstances. We become somewhat of a martyr to our own disease and it never serves us. The irony is that we hold on to the dream of them getting better while our own dreams slip away.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
My A is my son but his selfishness is no different to any other As selfishness. His disappearances filled me with fear, waiting, always waiting on the knock at the door to say he was dead. When I started suffering severe physical and emotional problems (and huge financial problems) from his drinking I allowed it to carry on for far too many years, I knew no other way. I collapsed, hit bottom last Dec.
I know my son finds it difficult, nigh on impossible to own his disease....his guilt at his actions crucify him, and this is when I keep pointing him to AA because he is feeding his own fear with disgust and remorse. I can only hope he gets it before it gets him....because hes a good person struggling with a bad disease.
Hes still drinking, living in chaos and insanity. Me?......Well I found MIP in January and from here the courage to find a f2f. Im at the beginning of my Alanon journey of recovery, and so far Ive been able to detach from HIS disease....with love....My courage to change stems from this detachment so I work at it daily. I cant have my son, physically, in my life at the moment, he causes me to relapse and I need my recovery. For him, living with his family enables him to feed his addiction....
I am taking better care of me, I'm not back to 'right's' yet, and I'm still easily triggered but the way I handle it is different. Everyone has a different level as to what they can and cant cope with, no one can make our choices for us.
Take care of yourself Diva......don't let go of your dreams.
I definitely aged tremendously around the ex A. I no longer blame myself. There were numerous reasons all intertwined I stuck with him. Once I had the program everything changed. Remember you have al anon and you did not go crazy when he pulled the last caper. In fact you were an example to others.
diva I can relate so much. I also slip into my fantasy world hoping the good in him will win the battle. He has been sober for six months and now has been missing for 5 days. I feel just like you I was ill and let him do all he did to me I accepted all the behaviour. The past 5 day I have face reality and made a decision to end it for me I can not do this any more. I know he is sick, I know he loves me but I cann not live with someone I can not rely on , trust. I have been working hard with step one all over again.
I am powerless I can not fix him, change him into what I need. So if i accept reality and want to be happy I have to work hard to get the strenght to leave. My life is unmanageable I have focused on me totally for five days and its improving. I get sad but I come on here. Go to a meeting, read, ring my sponsor. Its like my will has died ans I accept my Hp wants me to be happy as I feel guided and as if I am doing the rihght things for the right reasons I am feeling happiness. I can not imagine how happy I will feel once i am through my grief but nothing can be worse than the past 5 years. I am looking back and taking off the rose tinted glassess. I have strategies in place no contact is one I am determined to create the life I want and need.
that is the hardest part the breaking of ties, the letting go of something you cherish so much but is destroying you. Time does heal all dear Diva! I promise you that if nothing else. But to do it is so painful and the beginning of healing seems never ending. I'm still not right from the bf I had for six months. It took me 3 years of being single after my ex AH to even be ready to get into something again and even then I slid right back into emotional dependence. I don't really know what to say to you other than I feel your pain, I know it hurts so much damned if you do and damned if you don't. But the pain does subside, it gets better, and you will heal. For me living with an active a is like a wound that never heals. At least when I cut the tie I have the opportunity to move on and there are greater things on the horizon.
The mental signs of stress are hard enough on us let alone the physical signs, once we start to exhibit the physical signs this tells me you are making yourself ill, beyond the aspects of living with an A.
Did you expect anything else than for him to be his usual arrogant self when returning from london, after all wasn't it your fault he got on the plane and went to london and spent all that money.....of course it wasn't but in his sick mind he wants you to believe it was..and that is the biggest thing with active A's it's always our fault never theirs.
As for cutting ties once and for all...dear lady I know how hard this task can be sometimes it's impossible....stop beating yourself up, you are making yourself ill as well.
Please slow down think, take things one day at a time and then if you really feel you need to let go then do so....live your life the best you can after all it's the only one that you have..Diva as unfortunate as it is some never ever get well the disease just gets worse. So you have to take care of you.
