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My addicted son is now 29 years old, I have been dealing with him for the last ten years, and I have now come to a place in the relationship that I have detached. I don't cry and beg anymore, I don't try to run after him and try to keep up with who and what he is getting into. I know I am better off for it, but here is what I feel bad about, I don't really look at him the same any longer, he is not the son I raised and remember before the addiction. Does anybody understand what I am trying to say?
He has taken on the physical and the personality of the people he runs with, the foul language, the way he wears his clothes, the smell of pot. I look at him now as a stranger, and I have little to say to him any longer and any desire to and that is what is bothering me.
Hi dreamsover, yep I can understand this, I thought that detaching meant not loving, but it's about loving the person and not the desease, I try to bring alanon into my everyday life and all my affairs, and I have a teenage son who I don't always like but I love deeply, It's hard doing and saying nothing at times, when he makes bad choices, it feels like it's unloving and as if I don't care, but it's just a very different and productive way for me to let go and let god! and allow him to learn from his own mistakes!
Try to look at it like the disease it is. If your son developed the disease of cancer or tumors all over his body, he would be the same person. You would still love him the same. I think it is very important for us to remember it IS a disease because there are so many people that don't understand and think it is just an excuse.
WE KNOW BETTER.....love your son no matter what and good for you to be able to detach.
The term we use is detach with love . Hate the disease Love the man . I know this is hard but its possible . I was told that everyone even a drunk deserves respect , treat him that way and u will feel better about yourself and him . I started with just being polite , talk to him like I would the guy at the grocery store , have a nice day etc . keep the boundaries u have already set in place treat him with respect so u can live your life in dignity and grace. Louise
To be sure, many of us can empathize, and we have experienced those same emotions.... my A was my wife (at the time), and the issues with having a child as your A are different in some respects, but similar in others. I'd encourage you to try the book "Getting Your Children Sober", by Toby Rice Drews.... I've read it, just more for interest - and it has all kinds of great stuff in it...
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I'm really struggling to detach, but I need to with my dad right now. I've never been a priority in his life--I do have memories from when I was little --up until I was 9 years old. Unfortunately, I emotionally bonded to him during that time, even though he was physically abusive to my mom, and unpredictable--not a safe person; but my mom was so pre-occupied with dealing with my dad/trying to please him, that I really had no emotional attachment or relationship with my mom until she and my dad divorced when I was 9.
Anyway, 6 weeks ago, my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer,and he's been told that he has 2 weeks to 2 months left to live--and he still doesn't have time for me. I can't believe a word that he says--it's all hot air. He says to me "I just want to spend whatever time I have left with my family and make the most of it." Meanwhile, for this entire 6 week period, I've called him at least 25 times, and, each time, he's so busy with his business, the attorney, the doctor, the neighbors, anybody who happens to show up to visit--and, literally, he has never had more than 2 minutes to talk to me on the phone--and, it doesn't matter when I call, day or night. It isn't any better if I go visit him either--then, after a 3 hour trip 1 way, I get to sit and watch him talk on the phone and breath his cigarette smoke. As usual, it's his show, and he's the star of it...and no one else really matters.
You know, I've tried to forgive him, given him chances over and over again, believe what he says, even though he NEVER means what he says. I mean, honestly, I am just retarded when it comes to my dad. For whatever reason, he's always gone to my younger 1/2 sister's home for her children's birthday parties, grandparents day for her kids, invited her family to his home, etc...Yet my brother and I have always gotten the "crumbs". Now, don't get me wrong, he's still been a real jerk to my 1/2 sister too, but at least he's treated her somewhat as a daughter, and been a part of her life, and her childrens lives.
I'm sorry, I'm just f-ing pissed off right now...and I just can't take anymore crap...there's just nowhere to put it. Unfortunately, it seems since I'm the one who is the most sensitive and vocal-- it seems that he treats me worse because of it. Is he getting some kind of power trip off of my pain? I have been on my knees in despair at the thought of losing him, and the idea of the pain he's in, as well as grieving the loss of the father-daughter relationship I always longed for, and now realize, I'm never going to get.
The other kids in the family just show up, as well as neighbors, employees, friends, etc...without calling...but, I get lectures about calling before I make plans or come up, because too many people coming stresses him out.
Normally, this is a man I talk to 2-4 times a year on the phone--and the more contact I have with him, the sicker I get. So, I guess I'm blessed that he's not a big part of my life. I did finally give up on the hope of his changing, and finally called his bluff on his actually ever wanting to get together with me and my family--but, I guess I really thought that when you've only got 2-8 weeks to live--you MIGHT WANT to make up for lost time and get things set right. Once again, I'm projecting my values, and what a normal human being desires onto my dad, who has never had those values or conscience.
I guess I've been scared to completely cut it off from him b/c I don't want to have regrets....And, I did want to try to end our relationship with some good memories...but, it seems that's just not possible. Can you tell that I'm angry and somewhat tortured? I've got to get my focus back on God, and my program and getting healthy.
