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My husband is acting like a total jerk these days. We had a huge blow-up yesterday morning (mostly about him getting drunk and "checking out" on us). Of course his usual response to that is that he checks out on me, not our son. Then he ended up spending the ENTIRE day in the guest room (from 11:00 a.m. until after I went to bed at 10:00 p.m.). How can he honestly believe that doing things like that isn't "checking out" on our son? It's amazing how alcoholics can think. When I put our son to bed last night he asked where Dad was. I told him that he's sleeping, and he said "Daddy sleeps all the time." It breaks my heart, it really does. I still have no idea what I'm going to tell him when my husband goes to jail on Tuesday.
I know I'm supposed to focus on today only, but it's so hard to get the bad thoughts from the past 2 days out of my head. If he does manage to make an appearance from the guest room at some point today, how am I supposed to be civil? I have so much resentment towards him right now.
Supposedly he's still going to hang up the Christmas lights today, but I'm not getting my hopes up. I'm even planning to leave the house with my son to go with my mom to an art festival so my husband doesn't have to worry about OUR SON bothering him while he's doing Christmas lights. Does anyone else have an alcoholic spouse who seems to be "annoyed" by their own child? That's another thing that frustrates me. If you don't want the resposibility of being a parent anymore, then just leave and send child support.
Boy, this post is going all over the place, huh? I certainly have a lot on my mind. I'm going to try to take things one hour at a time today and focus on the fun that my son, my mom, and I are going to have today.
Prayers to you and son Alcholics/addicts are selfish people... it is a selfish disease Good for you for getting out of the house for the day. Have fun with your mom and son.
Let it out here or at a f2f meeting. That is what Alanon is for. It is a selfish disease. When the disease calls everything else takes second place. This is hard I know. Take care of you and your child.
NM - A's DO act like total jerks - that, unfortunately is the nature of the addiction. All they really care about is where the next drink is coming from.
You can only try to cocoon yourself and your son from the fall-out of this insidious addiction. Go out, have fun - do not include him. He has to fight his demons on his own - and it is not your responsibility. (3 C's: you did not Cause it, you cannot Control it, and you cannot Cure it) Easy words to say - far from easy when you try to apply them to yourself and your own situation.
It is good you can come here and vent. We all understand. We have been there, too. Please, for your own sake, try to rise above it. You are you and you deserve better than him. Harsh words, borne out of bitter experience but remember to take care of yourself and son first and foremost - you are worth it! Tish x
So right there with you!! I've had been with my A for 20 years!! since we were 17 years old, we had our first child at age 18, and three more kids after that. Throughout all these years, I look back and realize that I have felt like I've always had to force him to be a parent, to be in their lives. He would at times...but his addictive personality always took over. If he wasn't at the bar, he was drunk somewhere and I wouldn't hear from him for a week at a time, or he'd be in the hospital from binge drinking...it was always something! I'd beg for him to go to conferences, to activites at school, and if he wasn't drunk, work was more important, he could never seem to take time off of work for them.
All these years I wanted to get away from the pain and mess of it all, and I never got to make the decision, he did it for me. He left me for a women who doesn't seem to mind his drinking, and so now he's even less involved in the kids than he was before!! To tell you the truth....I'd rather him not be in their lives at all. I feel he brings nothing good to their lives, and what's the point anyway? I can do a better job without him because I dont have that stress anylonger of dealing with his crap.
I'm truly sorry...I know it's hard...no matter how much we hate them when they are in their disease, we still just always hope for the best and really don't want them to leave...We just want them to be sober.
Ironic, that is the same phrase I use for getting drunk and passing out leaving the parenting to me..."checking out".
Of course THEY don't see it as shirking their responsibility, they see it as everyone else in the family being a selfish jerk to not support them "enjoying" themselves and "relaxing".
I finally made peace with the situation by realizing that I was simply a single parent...who had a live in boarder, paying room and board, but not involved in family life. When I came to terms with that FACT, I was a lot more at peace. I don't celebrate christmas, too commercial, and I don't need to go into debt to buy a lot of cheap clutter to be a good christian, but if I did I would put up the decorations myself! If he did something, great, it would be a special little surprise like when my neighbor mowed my lawn when I hurt my back, but I would never EXPECT him to do anything.
Single Moms all over the world do a great job raising kids on their own and do it ALL, so it insn't such a big deal. Yes, the Dad SHOULD help out equally, but people seldom do what they should nowadays do they?
All we can do is be the best parent we can for the situation. As long as the Dad is not abusive, I do think that an unconscious Dad is better than no Dad at all in the home, it seems to give kids a sense of stability and comfort to have a Dad around. So, it is just one more thing I do for the good of the kids, try to ignore the big stinky bump on a log unconscious "elephant" in the room that is their Dad.
Eventually he will either get worse and not be able to function, die, or get better, we can only hope for the latter.
Amazing, you all could be speaking for me. So that is what you call it.. "checking out"? Someone is there, not participating, possibly with someone else and not functioning in their expected roles. That is where my expectations really become harmful to me. And, you are right. It is difficult to be civil, let alone courteous.
What I do that does not work at all is to hang back, wait for the next catastrophe and then use all of my energy not to get drawn into a large domestic brawl. Such an ineffective reaction of mine.
This year, with Al-Anon tools help I am setting a goal for myself. Not sure yet how to accomplish this. The goal is to survive the holidays unscathed... Sorry to be so negative, I know this board is for positive reinforcement. I will keep looking for the good in everything.
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"If we do not change our direction, we are likely to end up where we are headed."
•:*¨¨*:•.•:* ♥¨*:•.•:*¨¨ *:• Ancient Chinese Proverb
