Reaching out - Al-Anon Family Group

Mandy123 · ~*Service Worker*~

Reaching out

jennifer581 · Newbie

Mandy...

Me, too. Can't sleep, can't eat,can't turn off my head. I'm so embarrassed by this fall back into the game. I feel so bad, I have to get to my Friday meeting and I'm so humiliated because this is not the first time my ex has brought me back into his life and then kicked me out, and I feel stupid because I believed him. I wish I could stop loving him, and I wish I'd never met him, and I wish I could not care, but I do and I feel like it's killing me. I've been starting over with a new sponsor, and I'm right back at square one, and I'm staying busy so I don't stalk him, or harrass him. I need this seperation more than he does, I think. I believe we will get back together, but I want to not be dependant on someone else for my happiness, you know?

jasobel · Veteran Member

I want to say "me too" my ex left me for a second time just 13 days ago and some days I am crazy with pain and obsessing over where he is - who he is with - and what he is doing. I long for any contact with him at all and I can't help but feel to blame - that I did something and he left. We were together 2 years and he just walked out the door. It feels like he ripped my heart out and took it with him as well. Last night I journalled and wrote about the first step for over an hour. I am a single mom so can't go to meetings when I have my daughter - but can't wait until I can go this weekend. I try to do things that are different than we were together - I don't watch the same TV shows, go to the same restaurants, even eat the same foods. I too can't sleep and most of the time can't eat. I am so glad you shared your story because I too want to stalk and harrass him. I want to beg him to come back. It just helps for me to do things differently than when he lived with us. Reaching out is great - I call my friends, or email them when I need to. Don't feel stupid - I believe and trusted my ex completely! I never ever thought he would leave me again. I am trying to love myself and nurture myself but its hard to bring joy back into my life. I am new here to alanon and this board - I just wanted to say you aren't alone. Thanks for reaching out because it helps to know that someone else is going through what I went through

((((hugs))))

Jill

Mandy123 · ~*Service Worker*~

Jennifer and jasobel,
Wow...such open shares. The loss of a relationship is still that a loss. And there is a process to grieving.

Five Stages Of Grief

Denial and Isolation.
At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.
Anger.
The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.
Bargaining.
Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?"
Depression.
The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.
Acceptance.
This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.

Denial and isolation are not going to get me anywhere...which is why I am throwing myself into my program. I can't go there again. I know where that road leads.
Anger....for the first time in 12 years I am allowing myself to be angry...I mean really angry. And I am shocked at how much anger I have in me, but I am talking about it instead of pushing it down and I know there is going to be a crossing over to a better place for me....and all this crap I am going through and dealing with it are a part of getting to that other side. After 12 yeard of marriage I KNOW that this is not my fault...I did the best I could with what I have and staying with him was not an option. If I am honest with me I was afraid of him...and that is something I never want to be again with a man I am in a reltionship with (if that happens).
Bargaining I did that the first few times we split.... I do not want to go back..it always leads to the same place. I am changing I am moving forward and right now that means leaving him behind.
Depression I am doing my best to avoid this one as much as possible. I don't want to sit on the pity pot. It isn't pretty and my kids need better than that. I do go there I am sad about what has happened and what I lost to this disease, but I have my kids and I am getting me back.
Acceptance I think I can see acceptance ahead of me. I want to run to it, but I think I need to walk...I still have more to learn on my journey.

I hope you both keep coming back.

Yours in recvoery,
Mandy

DreamsOver · Senior Member

Years ago when life was much more simple, I would love to get into my pj's get a good book, or watch a favorite late night TV show. I would turn the light out and look forward to sleep and another day to wake up too.

Now when I go to my bed I feel nothing but dread, I pull the cover back and it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest, and the thoughts in my head are going on and on. I dream every night and most of the time it is very symbolic I wake up and it takes all the grit I have to get up and do what I have to do to take care of my family.

Thanks for sharing.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Five Stages Of Grief