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I've been with my husband for 20 years..married for 17 this past Sept. We have been together since High School. I watched him progress into a terrible binge drinker over the years. How I lived through it all I truly don't know. I recall hundreds or more times I would hide in my closet and cry and pray to get out of the craziness of his terrible drinking, he would disappear for a week at a time and always end up in the hospital. Then he would be good for awhile and things would be great, and then it would start all over again. Over and over for so many years......
He binged this past August for a week, was in the hospital twice that week and when I walked out of the home with our kids for the first time ever, he called a girl he knew to come get him, and he has lived with her ever since. I filed for divorce about a month and a half after that. I doubted his alcohol problem, thinking maybe it was always my fault that he drank and binged that way. I was in fear that he would control his drinking with this new girl. It was mid October when he binged for a week again and of course again ended up in the hospital. It opened my eyes that it's not my doing, that he truly has a problem. She's chosen to take my place now and put up with it. More power to her I guess....It's no longer my problem. I know why I put up with it, we had four kids..why she does? I don't know...I need to not care....
I'm now fighting this battle with keeping my kids safe. My AH and I don't speak at all. Our first court date is next Wednesday. I've given him copies of everything I needed to provide him with, I have yet to get his copies. He doesn't agree with my parenting plan that I devised, which is basically keeping an eye out for my kids. I stated that he can see his children every other weekend from 10am-5pm, Sat & Sun and on Weds for dinner 5-7:30. If he wants overnights eventually, he'll need to be sober for a year, going to AA regularly and reside within the children's school district (as he is currently living with his girlfriend an hour away) He's very upset with this parenting plan, and does not agree with it. However, I have put together a 3 ring binder with a 8 page timeline dated from 1994 to present with tabs of each year, and in those tabs copies of documented evidence of his alcohol abuse....medical records, hospital visits, Rehab, binging episodes, police reports, inmate report from last DUI, driving record with 3 DUI's listed, and dated journal entries. This book is over an inch thick with documented evidence. He thinks I'm trying to take his kids away from him, I think I'm trying to put him in their lives in a healthy way. I'm worried for them because I have sheltered them from this all their lives, and if i'm not there to keep them safe and he goes on a bender while they are in his care, they will not know what to do. I question myself constantly if I'm just crazy and it wasn't that bad, but when I look through that book and read my journal, I'm kind of reminded that yes, it was, and I hope I'm doing the right thing.
I want to be a stronger person and no live that nightmare anymore, even though it's the hardest thing I've ever done, and I just want my family back together...I know deep down this is best. Thanks for listening.....
You don' t say if your attending meetings for yourself , if not I hope uwill do so in the future , you need support . and in my opinion u absolutleyare making the right choices . An hr away from your children with an A who always ends up in hosp after drinking , and u don' t know if this other woman drinks with him , pretty good chance she does . Our kids can't take care of themselves they depend on us to look after them and your doing just that . Stay strong and know that u will be okay . good luck in court , show your documents and confront the alcoholism this is about the saftey of your children and your peace of mind , not about hurting anyone .
I am impressed with your documents and determination.
It is also important to see that when we journal and document situations we get confirmation of the reality that we lived thru and it is no longer productive to deny or minimize reality .
That sounds like a lot of visitation for someone who has drinking binges and so many problems. My ex sees our son for three hours every Sunday, and he only lives a block away. The fact that he's so close means they never have to be in a car together. Are you planning to drive your kids to his house and back every Saturday and Sunday, and one evening a week? I would think keeping the kids out of his car would be essential to keeping them safe. I hope your lawyer has some experience with custody decisions in which one spouse is alcoholic.
I don't know how old your kids are, but I would be surprised if they didn't already know your ex is alcoholic. Kids pick up on things even if they're unspoken. And if you've been in the closet hundreds of times, they must have seen some of this going on -- ? Are any of them old enough for Alateen yet? How do they feel about spending weekends at their dad's?
It doesn't matter that he doesn't like the custody arrangements, which I think are extremely generous. Of course he doesn't want to admit he has a problem. And alcoholics try to control us by using anger and denial. But so what? If he wants more custody, he can go into recovery.
I too am impressed by how much documentation you have! Keeping your kids safe is so important. I hope you can get to some meetings too.
You are not alone. You have gone thru a lot of work to be reasonable, sane and supportive of the alcoholic and your family. That is what we are responsible and responsible to a fault. You are trying to do the right thing and you are feeling crazy. If and when you get to the rooms of the Al-Anon family Groups and meet many of us who have been and have done to a large degree what you are going thru, you will hear about the 12steps that we learn and learn how to live by. The last word of the 2nd step is "sanity" and that step tells us we can reach sanity with the help of a "power greater than outselves" we no longer have the power if ever to arrive at sanity...we need help. I support what Abbyal suggest, get to the meeting rooms of Al-Anon. You can find the meetings from MIP or from AFG.org.
It does sound like a lot of visitation, I know. I was trying to sound fair and show that I'm not trying to be spiteful just because he left me. I was trying to do this all on my own, because I can't afford a lawyer, but a friend just gave me the number to free legal services so I'll be calling them tomorrow to see what options I may have.
He makes me doubt constantly if he's really that bad or not, when I look through my book, I see he is, but sometimes these binges are far between so I question it..and myself.... As for my kids, they just want their dad in their life, I've told them a bit about things in the past that i've kept hidden from them, and they showed shock, they had no idea. My oldest two know the most, the youngest two...he's just always been away from the home when he's like that, so they never had to see it. My kids ages are 19,15,11,7 (three boys and a girl...my daugther is the youngest) I guess I'm hoping for a little help when I go to court on Weds, and that they themselves may require supervised visitation...I guess we'll see what happens. Hopefully I can get some info tomorrow when I call the legal services...
