Question on Holiday Etiquette and the Substance Abuser - Al-Anon Family Group

Ambercastaway · Newbie

Question on Holiday Etiquette and the Substance Abuser

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank God that problem for me is far and removed from what it use to be. By
choice my entire family is alcohol and drug free coming from the opposite
practice.   However no matter who is in the group, myself included, I hold them
responsible for their choices and the consequences. If your choice is to mess up
your participation within the group my choice will be that you leave.   Its a best
choice, best practice.    Hey I remember the wine days and learned a lot of the
lessons, pairing and such and had my very own champion label...1973 Mirasou
Chenin Blanc. I bought up served and drank evey bottle I could find until I
bought out the county. I came to think of myself as a wine corner sewer.
Somes can...I can't   (((((hugs))))) smile

Ambercastaway · Newbie

Hi Jerry! Thanks for your input; I'm not exactly sure what you mean by "If your choice is to mess up your participation within the group my choice will be that you leave. Its a best
choice, best practice."

Do you mean I should leave the room if she decides to pour herself a glass or leave the topic alone because it's none of my business, or...?

Many thanks! :)

roygbiv · Senior Member

Jerry,
That's really funny - "wine corner sewer." LOL.

Amber,

Just enjoy the meaning of the season and have a lovely Christmas dinner.
It's not your business, don't monitor her, don't even notice or mention what she does please. She was invited. You didn't say if you are giving the dinner, if so, you can choose not to invite someone, but it's Christmas (usually a sad and hard time for alcoholics - trigger holidays when drink is all around and everyone is expected to be jolly). It's better that she's loved and included and what she does is her business. I'll bet she's not the only alcoholic in the room. If she creates a scene, her boyfriend will remove her most probably.

You aren't a close relative of hers and said you don't really know her...read some literature for you and let it sink in (a good thing). This is her business, even if she decides to go to rehab and get sober - or not, it's still not your business. I found the only way in my opinion that I can help and support a sober or drinking alcoholic is to be in Alanon myself. It just changes the whole vibe and detachment with love happens and I mention when it comes up that Alanon helped me, and that's about it unless they want to hear more.

PS. I watch all those food shows - your dinner sounds like it will be beyond yummy!

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

The thing is that if she's drinking, not having wine in the room won't stop her. Alcoholics bring their own, believe me. They don't want to be caught without it. It may make it a tiny bit easier for her to be able to drink wine openly at the dinner, but if she wanted to, she could get just as drunk as she likes without it. Those tiny airline bottles are useful for keeping alcohol in pockets, purses, and a dozen other places. A couple of trips to the bathroom or into the next room allows them to gulp it down.

If she didn't want to drink, she would also have her own strategy to keep herself sober. Some people can do that even when others are drinking. If not, she would find an alcohol-free Thanksgiving if she thought the temptation would be too much for her.

Where I think you come into it is to know ahead of time what you would do if she makes a scene. Will you politely ask her and her boyfriend to leave? Will you grin and bear it? Would you never invite her back? How do you feel about your other friends witnessing the scene? That's where it helps to know your boundaries. Just as you shouldn't have to change your menu for her, you shouldn't have to change your level of peace and calm for her.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Amber that is what I do or say to those who are known to have a problem and
take a risk with it.   I tell them that what ever they do I accept as their choice
and if it is the wrong choice (they get loaded, drunk, disruptive, unresponsible)
I will act on what I know as best to do for me and that would be that they get
to leave my home.   I will let them know that I know there is a problem ahead
of time make it an issue up front and address.   I am not an a**hole about it
I will do it honestly and kindly and on purpose and with follow thru. It will not
spoil the dinner.    ((((hugs))))

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

My A would have felt very embarrassed if things were changed because of him.

If I were you, I would cont. with the normal tradition and also have some special non alcoholic drinks for those who do not drink. I don't drink, am not an A but would love some sparkling something or whatever to toast with.

These days there are so many neat drinks. You could have Italian sodas, that would be yummy...

am I invited? and yes I am a vegie, and yes have meat there. I love good breads and everything else!

love,debilyn ps it it so nice of you to care about her like this!

roygbiv · Senior Member

I agree with debilyn,
I want to be invited too!! Yummmmm!!! Foodies/Chefs!
I'm a vegetarian but I learned long ago not to order the vegetarian meal on airplanes. There's plenty for vegetarians to eat at Thanksgiving and Christmas (cranberry, mashed potatoes, stuffing, pumpkin pie...) and I also don't drink but would love to toast with a fizzy drink.
Long ago I was a cocktail waitress and there were many customers who ordered ginger ale and drank along with their friends who didn't know they weren't drinking.

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Amber))),

Let me ask you this: If there was a pregnant woman at this event, would you stop serving alcohol? If you were just providing alcohol and no nonalcoholic beverages than I would say that is being a irresponsible hostess to all. But you're not doing that. There will be other options.

Addict or not we are all adults and we are responsible for the choices we make and the consequences that go along with those choices. Allow her the dignity of making that choice. Allow yourself the dignity to handle the situation as you would with any guest that got out of hand be it in your restaurant or home. Have a wonderful party.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--the cat

Loupiness · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with everyone here about having your dinner as planned and letting her make her own choice, because she's gonna do what she's gonna do. That said, I have a good friend whose mother (an alcoholic) made absolutely no accomodations for her daughter when she just got out of rehab. My friend said that the nonalcohol drinks were on the bar with the alcoholic drinks, thus she had to go to them everytime she wanted a drink (torture) and everyone was always checking her out (peering in her glass) when she did so she felt very self-conscious. She said she would have really appreciated a place away from the alcohol were the other beverages were served.

Blessings,
Lou

Ambercastaway · Newbie

Thank you SO much for all your replies! I can't tell you how much you have all helped me.

I know now that she has many emotional issues to work on and it's far beyond anything I can help her with. She must make her own choices, even if they are bad ones. :(

My plan is to go ahead and have our Christmas dinner the way we always have but I will make sure to have plenty of non-alcoholic drinks and I'll make sure they are in a different area than the wine.

If she becomes disruptive, we can all handle it. Like I said, most of us are in the food or wine industry, some in the medical community, and we've all seen people get out of control. It won't shock anyone; if anything, we'll just feel badly for her pain and someone will take her home.

I just wanted to touch base here and make sure I was doing the right thing. Thank you again. {{{{{Hugs to all}}}}}

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.