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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> What do you do when you can't stop obsessing over ex??
Post Info TOPIC: What do you do when you can't stop obsessing over ex??
jasobel


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What do you do when you can't stop obsessing over ex??
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Hi, I am new here - new to Alanon - just attended my first meeting last night. Starting to work Step 1. My ex left me for someone else and I can't stop wanting to email him and text him and call him. I am calling on my higher power constantly to give me strength to move forward with this program. I believe in God and in prayer very strongly but some times feel weaker than other times to want to contact him. How do you "let go and let god" without letting your mind run wild?

Thanks,

Jillhmm

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Tracy


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My AB has just had a major slip and I too found myself bginning to obsess.  Good for you for going to a meeting is there any more you can go to thisweek?  Have you any literature you can read?  If you don't have phone numbers of people at the meeting try and get some.  I have the most amazing sponsor who has been in the programme for over 20 years she helps me a lot.  I choose what my brain focuses on so if it is obsessing I scrub the oven or chat to a friend not about my partner something else.  I try to take ggod care of myself doing fun things and trust HP I know he is leading me to a better place.  I go on the internet a member on here gave me a website called www.coping.com this helped also I keep busy and try to shift my focus but I dont ring because if he wanted to talk he would contact me.

Hope this helps you are not alone you have your Al anon family now
hugs from England

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canadianguy


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Journalling can also be a help.... try writing down your feelings and then refer to your journal.... if you're honest with yourself while writing, including the hurt & pain he has caused you, then on your tough days, you can refresh your memory....  Absence does make the heart grow fonder, per se, but journalling can be a helpful tool in making sure that our minds are clear in exactly what we are missing....

A second useful tool, that my sponsor had to help me with, over and over, was to focus on the "whats" as opposed to the "whys" - keeping things factual can help....  (i.e. he left... he's with another woman, etc....  )

Hope that helps

Tom

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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"What you think of me is none of my business"

"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"

 

 

 

 
jasobel


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Thank you for writing - I do have the books and literature. I can't go to meetings weeknights as I am a single mom and have my daughter, but will go this weekend. Its funny because I do engage in household chores which are distracting or putting his stuff in the garage. I need to think of things I can do at work which are distracting. I work on my own, without many people around so its easy to obsess when you are at work and alone!

I will check out the web site

many thanks

Jill

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Jerry F


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Aloha Jill....Yay you're on the right track and you're obsessing...The right track is
different and will end up with you no longer obsessing in the future in the mean
time it is normal and it speaks about your addiction...to him.  I read something
the other day from a guy thats smarter who said that allowing another person
to take over your life was like letting the waiter eat your meal.   LOL  it hit home
but then I had to have the relationship with my alcoholics and addicts and then
arrive in the program before I could understand what that meant. 

When I couldn't stop obsessing over my ex-alcoholic wife which included taking
up jogging just so I could run past her apartment to see what she was doing
and with who (that is the honesty of it...the reason I gave then was something
else) I got into the program like you.   I got into the steps like you.  I went to
meetings like you.  I got and read all the literature I could read about alcoholism
and me and alcoholism and my family about alcoholism and being married to a
female alcoholic and more and I got phone numbers as suggested and found a
sponsor and stopped jogging 6 miles to get my fix.   It comes in time, one day
at a time and I need to take all the time I have to stay with it or I duplicate the
whole thing all over again like the alcoholic or addict that replapses.  

(((((hugs))))) Keep coming back..It Works!!   smile

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roygbiv


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As they say, "Good riddance to bad rubbish."
If he left you, he doesn't deserve you.
Listen to the Experience, Strength and Hope here and get strong in Alanon. You'll make new friends. That's what you yearn for, communication.

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"Peace is the perfume of God." - Prem Rawat
Debilyn


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noSadly you can't. If you try to fight how you feel, it makes it worse. When we have a broken heart is is no different than an open, hurting wound. For me I had to accept it, and do the best I can.

I said the serenity prayer over and over, told myself everything is ok over and over.

I cried when I got groceries, I cried when I went to Goodwill, just let it out where ever I was. Could not help it.

Did learn to say stop in my head and say everything is ok. Just taught me to stop the thinking as best as I could. Sometimes letting it run thru helps.

I read, The Farside, watch comedies I like over and over. I make sure all my basic needs are met. Make sure to eat right drink water, get out and walk some. Go visit someone even if I have nothing to say.

Just like any wound, it will need the time it takes to heal. For me I had to take naps. Went real easy on me.

It hurt horrible, stomach always hurt, woke up and felt like i was in a nightmare.Talk to your loved ones, let them know how you feel. Accept all the hugs you can.

Go to meetings, share I am sure many will offer you friendship.

I know it hurts horrible, horrible. Keep coming here sharing. The Chat room can help take your mind away, and the  meetings here are priceless.

I am so glad you found us. Keep coming. love,debilyn

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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
smartkat


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One thing I did was to find a quote to recite when you are slipping into thoughts you don't want to think. Just telling yourself to not think about something only serves to make you think about it more.

QUICK - Don't think about Blue monkeys eating pink waffles!!!!

Get my point?

But the slogans or other quotes can help to fill your mind with something more positive.
I am no longer religious, but Philipians 4:4 - 7 still has wisdom that helps me. It basically says to find peace you must turn it over to God.



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Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace within the storm.
sdisnie


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I know EXACTLY how you feel....
When we put up with their abuse of addiction and we want to leave so many times but we never do, and then suddenly they decide for us by leaving us for another...it's painful and hard to deal with. I've had the same situation happen, and I find myself obsessing about him, about them. I do all these crazy little things, and constantly wonder what they are doing. Even when I'm busy, or doing things, or talking to people, I still find myself thinking about them in the back of my mind.
The problem is we need to quit giving them all our power. They are winning by us focusing on what they are doing. Coming to this website is definately good therapy. Really, in the end, it's time that helps, and talking to others going through similar situations. It's good to vent about it, get it out and then move on to something else. Even though it can be tiresome for others to hear about it, it's so important to talk about it, otherwise it gets bottled up and drives you crazy. Why we constantly let the addict win is beyond me...but somehow we have to find out inner strength and not let them win, and take back our power for ourselves....

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jasobel


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Last night I went home and worked on the first step - I wrote and wrote and wrote - than journaled some more. It was harder than I thought to work with the questions, but I wrote through it. I can't wait to go back to a meeting soon. I am understanding the process better and what I need to do - all of your replies are so amazing. Thank you all for taking time to write. I am grateful

Jill

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DreamXL


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Obsessing just might have been my speciality.  :) For years before I found alanon and acoa it seems all  i could do was obsess about my ex. From the minute I got up until I went to sleep I found I couldnt stop.  He never left my mind.  It was enough to drive me crazy.  I wanted it to stop but I simply couldnt seem to. I would go about my day with work, friends, whatever I had to do and he was always in my mind.  Good god, I could be having a conversation with someone and it was like he was in the background of my mind.  It was overpowering me.  In sharing this with a long time member which was very embarassing also I may add here is what I was told.  "it seems like you are powerless over your feelings".  Immediately I said, no.  But I thought about it and it was true.  I was.  I knew intellectually all the right things but emotionally I couldnt break free.  I was told to do a step one , two and three on my feelings for him.I was so desparate I figured I try anything.  :)  So I did.  "I am powerless over my feelings for ****** and my life has become unmanagable.  I came to believe in a power greater than me that could restore me to sanity.  Made a decision to turn my  life and will over to the care of God".  I said this every single day, sometimes many many many times.  Well god almightly it worked.  Nothing short of a miracle.  And believe it or not it happened in a matter of months.  I type this and still cant believe it myself.  :)  I dont know how to explain it, sometimes I think my intellect caught up with my feelings, but then I knew intellectually all along so that couldnt be it.  I guess thinking the only thing I did have control over in this world was me accepting that I was powerless over my feelings for this person was almost be to much to stand but after years of obsessing it was true. I gave it a try.  I had nothing to lose.  This has taught me dont ever underestimate the power of turning things over to god.  I needed a power greater than myself to cure me.  :) 



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tri and try


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DreamXL - TY...I needed to read this post even if it was 2 years ago!!!

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