LET GO OR BE DRAGGED-let me clarify a bit - Al-Anon Family Group

shellyj123 · ~*Service Worker*~

LET GO OR BE DRAGGED-let me clarify a bit

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

Shellyj
Just a quick note on you praying for your AEXBF. As my A is my son praying for him is a no brainer for me.
But then a wise member advised me to pray for a person (family member) (who is not an A) that I have a troubled relationship with and lots of resentments. And I thought She has treated me like S^^T so why would I want to pray for her. They urged me to just give it a try... pray for her for at least 2 weeks even if you don't mean it at first. So I tried it and as I prayed I came to realize she is a hurting person and hurt people, hurt people. Soon I really meant it when I was praying for her.
I see her very rarely but on a recent occasion we needed to stay with her ( she is family) on a recent trip. And surpisingly our dealings with each other were so much better. As I had prayed my resentment melted away and for some reason (HP intervention maybe) she treated me with the utmost respect and concern. Not that it was perfect mind you. But I had a whole new perpective on her and her past behaviors and now my prayers for her are truly genuine.
I know it not the same situation exactly as yours. But I think praying for EXA is a good idea.
And I agree with you he will never have what he had with you, You are special and unique.
No 2 relationships are the same. But I think praying for him to have a better life for himself as you are working on a better life for you may help relieve some of those resentments.
Just my opinion

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

i'm going to pray for him today! I hope that this will help. I have prayed for god to help me forget him and move on... not working out as quickly as i would like.

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

I too have a problem with resentmnt my sponsor told me to visualise myself drinking poison when these horrible thoughts came into my head resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die when really it is you that dies slowly. I have to let go of my resentments on a daily basis for myself too. I will try the prayer thing thanks for sharing.

hugs

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Yay...gold mine post. (((((hugs))))) smile

serendipity · ~*Service Worker*~

Yup, the old "pray for them" line. I was the same way...I couldn't do it. I would start out ok "Dear God, please let them have only good things....hey wait a second, they do have only good things, the have everything and I have nothing and Oh God could you strike them dead and send a plauge upon their familes or some rightous ness like that? Amen"

LOL!!! So, I simplified it to "love and blessings" every single time I started to think about them. I still do and my hate and anger have abated. Sometimes I even pray "Give them love and riches in abundance....grant them peace and freedom" cause those I things I want for myself.

I don't think it's rocket science to think that if I am having negative thoughts then I will feel negative. So, makes sense that if I can have positive thoughts, eventually, I will feel positive. After all, it's all inside me....

I also always open my hands and turn my palms upward whenever I say Love and Blessings and I leave it all to God.

roygbiv · Senior Member

Yes, I've been giving love and blessings to people I see on the street and also to family members who I no longer speak with. What else can you do?

Last year when she pressed and pressed me, I told my sister that she needed to go to Alanon.

I didn't get drawn into her need to know who in "her" family I was "accusing" of being an alcoholic (husband, heroin addicted son, the list is long but she doesn't see any of it). I just told her to go to Alanon and mentioned that I saw a book about 12step programs for Christians because her objection was that Alanon was too heathen for her. She won't attend and I can't be around her anymore - her controlling behaviors have gotten waaaay to crazy, mean, and worse than I ever imagined she was capable of.

So what else is there to do but to send blessings and love. The alternative is negative and that only poisons me.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Shelly, one thing I keep coming back to when I read your posts is, this person has not accepted that addiction is a disease.

I know for me, when I really realized my A or any A is sick, how could I ever be mad at them for anything they said or did?

Nothing they do is personal. What they do is for themself. Or in spite of their self.

They are not horrible people deserving our hate or us saying it is YOUR fault.

One thing I know is I want to be forgiven. I make mistakes. No one is perfect. In order for me to recieve forgiveness I must forgive.

Shelly it is true that no one will ever have a relationship like the one they had with us. Also when we say, I will never have a love like i had with him or her is true. Becuz two people, any two people, share certain dynamics of both themselves sharing.

I am glad you know yourself to be special, that is healthy.

Maybe he will find another relationship fits better for him and another. A's feel so alone.

All our own issues follow us unless we can grow. Sadly using A's cannot mature.

I guess what I am saying is compassion goes a long way. I know I was more comfortable with myself when I believed that A's are very sick people who did not choose to be an A.

Made me a much better person to love them. NOT love the disease, but the person suffering from it.

A great book taught me what good does it say about me if I love others who love me,but more that I love ones who hate me. Forgiving them, and hoping I can receive the same forgiveness.

All I know is I absolutely love my sorta ex ah. And I have a very, very good friend who is an A that I love too. A girl friend I have had since I was a kid. She has been the best friend a friend can be.

It makes me feel better not to feel bitter, or wish him bad. I also know too, when someone can bring up such strong emotions, then I am not done with them.

hugs shelly,debilyn

shellyj123 · ~*Service Worker*~

I struggle very much with EXABF and his addiction. Had he NOT been sober for 10 years and going to weekly meetings and working with a sponsor and sponsee when we met, I could find more compassion for him as a drunk.

Had I seen his disease then yes maybe I could have some.

What I saw is a man who is a sober master manipulator who gives the entire AA program a bad name. What I saw was a man who played with peoples emotions and a child's heart and then used the program and the next right step to bail on everything all because his ego said I I I I I....And I watched him while he was sober and working his program come back over and over and over again to hurt me KNOWING he was doing it and telling lies all over the place.

So no, right now Deb, I don't have any compassion for him. He could get run over on the street in front of me and I'd step over him and keep on going.......BUT I still pray daily for him- I do it for me. I believe in my heart that nothing happens on accident in God's world and with that belief I can forgive him, but I will never forget what he did to my son, and to me.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.