Need objective feedback - Al-Anon Family Group

lolli09 · Member

Need objective feedback

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi and welcome. I see in your post you have answered your own question. You say I am being cheated out of a full life.

Is it you love him, or you want someone who is more filling your needs?

It sounds like he is not the one you want to continue with. Trust your intuition. Even being alone with ourselves is more satisfying than being with someone we do not feel connected to.

This is my experience. We cannot make something into something it is not. Serenity prayer fits here.

congrats on your path of recovery, a lifetime jouney! Would love to hear how you do, as you make those decisions.

Of course this is important! Every issue is valid.

Honestly are there things you could fulfill yourself with out wanting it from someone else? Self esteem is that, SELF esteem. It is something we build and feel inside. No one esle can give this to us. When we learn to love our self, and hold it in high esteem, we then have better, healthier relationships.

Have you spoken to him about these feelings? I know for me, when I brought them out, he listened and I felt so much better. I always started by saying, ok YOU do not have to do anything except I would like you to listen so I can get it out.

He may surprise you. he may not. lotsa hugs, Debilyn

lolli09 · Member

Deblyn, thank you soooo much for your wisdom, I will chew on this feedback and pray. I'll keep you posted and have a great day.

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Lolli,
I was reading something last night that said we cause all of our own unhappiness. And I am beginning to believe it. (It is easier to see that when 35 years dry husband is being nice.)
Just reading down through your post, it sounds like you have a nice thing going. You have your own home, your times with your children, you aren't living with someone who is gone 12 hours a day for 6 days in a row and then is pretty much wiped out, and you have some great times with him during the part of the year that he is available.
What is the problem with all that? I think we start getting "broody," we codependents, and we want to be together more. How available would he be? I get tired just reading about how hard he works when he's working. And you are wanting him to make you feel loved? You know better than that, now, don't you Hon?
I'd say, if you can enjoy being with him when you are together and can remind yourself of the strengths you have developed in Alanon, good for you. It doesn't look as if it is broken to me. Except that if he is calling less maybe it is because he is feeling pressured by you.
Is there a guarantee you will find someone who wants to be together all the time if you give him up? Would you be happier to be totally by yourself? How happy are you with your own life? Do you need more interests, new hobbies, to go back to school and learn something you always wanted? To get out the notebooks and work the steps again? To write down five blessings you are grateful for every night? To date other people when he's working and unavailable? Is it really the case that all of your discontent would be fixed if he were just with you more even if he's too tired to participate?
This is kind of disjointed. I'm out of practice on posting. It was just so nice to read a post by someone who isn't living in total hell because he or she has turned his or her whole life over to an active, abusive, alcoholic. I think if you get your focus back on yourself, you will be much happier. I said that for me more than for you; you seem to have it all together in so many ways.
I hope you post some more as you work through whatever is going on.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Lolli

I too think the relationship sounds good. I would not recommend ending it without trying to see if your needs can be addressed. I believe all realtionships are works in progress and if they are not they crumble.

I agree that his working life would be difficult to live with and I can understand the cutting back of telephone contact.

My only suggestion is to talk to him about your concerns. See if he is interested in sharing time with your grown children and then suggest meeting his daughter. The Holiday time would be perfect.

Let us know how it goes and welcome to MIP

-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 9th of November 2009 03:05:45 PM

Mandy123 · ~*Service Worker*~

Lolli,
I think you have some great feeback from what I have read.

The grass is not always greener on the otherside.

Hope you make the right choice for you.

Mandy

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Some people like a lot of space and some people like more closeness. What I hear you saying is that you would like more closeness. I also hear others saying that that amount of space/closeness would work for them. But I'm guessing you wouldn't have posted if it felt right for you. My question is, if you were designing a relationship that supported your needs, would it look like this?

It's true that if you leave this one, you might not find one with more closeness. Nothing's guaranteed. But it's also true that if you stay in this one, you know pretty much what you're going to get. I'm assuming you've expressed your desires for more closeness to him, and that he's been clear about not wanting to interact with your family or have you get to know his daughter better, or be closer overall. So you're clear on where he stands. If it hasn't been brought up, you'd want to voice your concerns. But I'm guessing that by now he probably knows. And so it's true that if you want someone in your life who's more at ease with intimacy, you need to open up the space for that person to come in.

There's also the question of why you've stayed with it for 15 years as it is. Maybe your needs and capacities are changing. Maybe you were afraid you couldn't get more of what you want. I've always found that things go better when I operate out of my hopes, rather than out of my fears.

lolli09 · Member

I thank you all so much for your feedback. Ive been chewing on this and praying. What I see is that my old insecurities pop up when I feel that he is backing off, then I get clingy. This is my stuff. I feel the same way when I get a sense of anyone who I am close to does this. Then I want to run, but I must sit with it, feel it and move on. I have varied interests in my life. Im active in the program, I go to a cooking club, pinacle club and have my writing group all of which meet once a month. The old tapes start playing and I feel empty but I know Im not... Some defects like self-pity are like shadows that show up and I again must "humbly ask God to remove". Getting grateful helps and so does sharing. I am putting all of this is God's hand and just staying in the day. Im off to a convention as Alt GSR for Saturday and voluntering to help out. He has called and left a message "I know you must be really p___ed, Im sorry, Im tired, blah, blah, blah". I know I must find the courage to express my feelings to him without any expectations but just to get them out. Thanks again for you ES&H, Peace & Love to you all.

lolli09 · Member

Update on Need objective feedback, I ultimately called and left message that I agreed and he should take care of himself, take all the time he needed then his last message said he was soooo stressed over work and thought he might even be in a depression and he would contact me after the "Holidays". Then I called and left message ... just take care of you and don't worry about anything. Since then that was right before Thanksgiving, he has been spotted out and about going to his meetings (a good thing), having breakfast with his daughter in a restaurant and generally in a good mood BUT he has approached a girl I sponsor after the meeting and said to tell me He doesn't want to end this and he'll be in touch and she responded "You need to talk to her yourself, why are you telling me this? Just go and talk to her". Then he called my Alanon sponsor and asked her to tell me "Its not the end and he'll get in touch with me after all the nonsense of the holidays are over". She said "Tell her yourself... I still have not heard from him and he ran into my daughter at a store in town and went out of his way to avoid her. This is really crazy making stuff and I have talked it over, prayed about it and have finally accepted that it is the way its supposed to be But I don't deserved to be ditched or ignored during the "Holidays" without talking it through and he won't talk to me about it directly. So Im giving him to God and closing the door. He may not want it to end but its becoming painful to hang on to "after the holidays promise" and I deserve better. Never have my needs or wants been taken into consideration from him. Letting Go is Hard, but Ive been through worse and God's always been there for me. Hope you all have a lovely holiday and God Bless you and thank you.

lolli09 · Member

And Acceptance is the answer to all my problems... Living in the Now not what could be or should be. I believe my HP is doing for me what I could not do for myself. Im back to me and celebrating life and each day I have to live, love and laugh. Have yourself a Merry, Merry Christmas, God Bless you all!

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