The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Relationships are work and hard work at that. Relationships with alcoholics are even harder! My husband is an alcoholic and has been going to AA for over 20 years. Currently he has 9 months of sobriety (I think, I posted it a while ago -- he knows to the day). But marriage is work -- often a roller coaster -- oh and we are dealing with cancer, too. He has lymphoma (1st diagnosed and treated in 2001). It is a type of cancer that is considered incurable so it is always lurking (kind of like alcoholism). I had breast cancer in 2006, so I am still getting checked every 3 months. I am kind of tired today of the dramas though. It seems like there is always something negative or bad that happened or is happening or just happened or might happen or happened to somebody he knows... ARG. I just want some... serenity... oh the word just came to me. I am curious... is it alcoholic behavior or personality disorder or whatever to live in this kind of stress. AH claims he has just now learned how to relax... I smile and say, "Great, honey"... but I just don't see it. ESH?
Aloha DB...After you drink you have a personality disorder. If your personality sucked before you drank it will suck even more. Alcohol is a mind and mood and behavior altering drug...it changes everything!! I r 1...even the slightest stress relieve to an alcoholic is huge. You might not get to see it and it doesn't matter if you do or not to the alcoholic but it is real to him and if he keeps coming back and practicing his program of recovery as suggested he will continue to get better...don't let that catch you standing still because I've seen alot of relationships in program blow up as the alcoholic in recovery by-passed the spouse. It happens alot. Take care of yourself...only. Living in stress is a choice when you consider that there are things and changes you can learn that will relieve stress completely. Stress for me is a measure of how near or far I've allowed my HP in my life. When I'm acting like I am or should be in control again...the stress level rises. When I am acting like a partner with my HP the stress level rarely bounces off of zero. That's a huge gratitude for me...Al-Anonish.
When I was doing the drama like maybe you are now a former sponsor taught me, "If you don't like how the play of your life is going on...when you take the stage take a different script or stay off the stage." Participation is a choice, how, when, where and why; your part in the drama. Choose a script about how you want it to come out for you rather than how you're going to react to it. You both have some scarey stuff in your life to deal with...use empathy, compassion and unconditional acceptance (which is love).
Relationships are work...That's a universal law isn't it? LOL. Thanks for your share. (((((hugs)))))
Thanks, Jerry, All so true. I think I am looking for someone to write that script for me... my work is to figure out my communication on my own... My communication could be better in talking and responding before I get soooo wound up that I just scream..... working on it.
Drama is something that goes hand in hand with this disease. It is something you can refuse to participate in, but first you have to learn how not to add you own drama to the script, ie screaming fits, dour silences, blaming, etc.
Keeping focused on your own program is a good way to keep the stress down. Also, learning to state your feelings in a respectful way WHEN YOU FEEL THEM, not when you have spent enough time stuffing them that they boil out of you in a rage. That was my biggest problem. I had to learn to state how I felt and let others be responsible for how they wanted to feel about that. Remember to use "I" statements and not blame your feeling on anyone else. I had to practice and practice that. LOL It was really hard to just say," I feel angry when you tell me about your drinking." NOT "You make me angry when you drink." There is a big difference and it is in my learning that nobody can MAKE me feel anything. That is my choice of reaction to whatever is going on.
Hope this helps,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
db, For me it seems that my "A" can not survive with his drama along with his drugs and alcohol.
I found that by going to meetings, talking with alanon friends and working with my sponsor I was able to step back from the drama and I was even able to have serenity. It wasn't easy and I had to work at it, but it was so worth it.
I hope you can find your path to serenity.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
I think my AH's drama is what he always feels -- anxiety -- and would drink to avoid it. I am glad he is not drinking, so I have to deal with the dramas and try not to let them create too much anxiety in me. Script anyone (not prescript, I mean exact words)? I think expressing his feelings are something he needs to do, especially without the booze, yet I have to be able to not be so affected by his dramas. I really haven't gotten much out of f2f meetings... mostly hear other peoples' dramas. My counselor has helped me much more... maybe it is time for another session.
