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I'm having a real problem trying not to let my hurt and anger towards my ex affect our 5 year old son. My ex left without any explanation and having been supported both emotionally and financially by me for years suddenly decided to end our relationship. He has finally got a job, his first aged 50, and although living in someone elses's house not paying rent, and I've no doubt taking whatever he can from whomever he can, he is trying to come across as a loving, devoted responsible father who wants me to be reasonable. He's accused me of lying with regard to visitation, has accused me of being unkind and unfair, yet he has used and abused me for years, taken everything I had to offer and then, without flinching, discarded me and our son, refusing any explanation as to why. I have begged for 'closure' and am told that he is unable to say anything at this time. For the last 2 years we have been living in different countries and for all of this time he would call, every day without fail, to 'check in' and tell us he loved us. Every month I would arrange to fly our son and I to see him for about a week. During that week my ex would shut off his cell phone, move into wherever we were staying and we would behave as a family .... although with no outside influences. Of course I would have to provide somewhere to stay as he was living at his sister's house and unable to accomodate us. But during these times he would pretend he had no other life. He would ask me to be patient, to trust him, to believe. Of course I did. Then, in August my son and I moved to the same country and town as him. And at that moment he severed the relationship. Of course, in hindsight, I know he has been telling everyone lies. He has told his friends and family I was no longer on the scene, while telling me to be patient and hang in there. Once I moved close by, it was too close for comfort and the game was up - so he callously dumped us as he was living a single life, getting the 'freebies' without any strings attached or questions - so much easier than with me!
My son sees his father every other weekend and comes home crying each time. He blames me for us not being together. I am trying everything to be reasonable but I am deeply hurt and devastated by my ex's behaviour and hate to even let my son see his father. My ex makes no attempt to find out about his schooling, how he's doing, and has no interest in the 'normal' everyday things in his life. He would never consider what he needs, showing interest in his friends, his life - he's only interested in my son amusing him. I'm expected to provide everything to make sure their weekend goes well - this weekend I forgot his toothbrush - so my son didn't brush his teeth. Not a big deal but an example as to how little he does. My son sleeps on a camp bed in this father's room which is the size of a shoebox. Of course he can't stay during the week as other's are there and it's 'not convenient' Hardly the ideal father figure and couldn't care less about being a good role model.
How do I deal with this? I KNOW it must be about my son and not about me but how can I rise above the tremendous injustice I feel? I need help!
hello and welcome , right now your son is only 5 yrs old but eventually he will figure out what kind of man his dad is and get a perspective for him that works . good bad or indifferent it is important for your child to know his dad , since this is a site for alcoholism or addicts i assume he is one , is your son safe when he goes to stay with dad ? that would be my only concern , when your son gets older he will choose to see his dad or not . You say u supported him for yrs financially , that was a choice u made he was only doing what worked for him , there was no reason for him to work or contribute as long as u were taking care of everything for him . if addiction is his problem please find Al-Anon meetings for yourself u need support , wether u live with him or not your life is being affected by his disease and because of your son u will have to deal with him for the rest of your life ,so do this for yoursake and your sons . Accept ex as he is , have no expectaions that he will change and get the focus back on the things u can change . YOU . good luck Louise
Just some feedback from my experiences in recovery...some awarenesses I was taught by others and found over time were true.
You don't need him for closure. What you feel from touching a bruise or scar is pain...some new most old. I needed something Greater than my alcoholic to find closure thru. I gave her and the disease way to much power and realized I had to find closure within and to me to we or us. The pain you feel cannot be carried by a child. It can barely becarried by an adult. You have an opportunity to keep your child safe from that which harms you if you are willing and what I found for me was to find the good in my alcoholic and addicted wives and focus on that only and speak of that only in front of "our" children. The children loved and cared for their mothers from a hearts that were softer and more merciful than mine. I could only come from pain if I wanted. Years later the children have their own stories which are different than mine and thats beyond okay. I didn't build their stories and only can tell my own from my own persepectives usually outside of their presence. I found out early why my counselors in agreeing to work with me wanted my exspouses to attend at least a couple sessions before continuing with me. The "whole" story isn't my story. It's really healing to ask your child "Tell me about your love for your father and then listen with openess without prejudice." What I have suggested is what I have done and not done. There were lots of other entities envolved...courts, lawyers, churches, people, judges and that pain was not what I wanted to focus...We had more than enough pain to go around that I wanted to make it worse. I showed my children love as I understood love and how to practice it and after getting into the program I showed them more. I had no control over them (my exspouses) and the people that came with them. I had control over me and how I was living and I needed help to do that.
It is terrible that you and your son and his father are in this situation...more than terrible and yet with the program your influence will be more valuable to yourself and your son. Your son still will have his own way to perception and decision and that will be another thing you will be powerless over but for now let others help you to take care of you. Don't react (my favorite slogan...next to) When in doubt don't. Find the meeting rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups and tell them exactly what you have said here... How do I deal with this? I KNOW it must be about my son and not about me but how can I rise above the tremendous injustice I feel? I need help! then sit down and listen and keep coming back. The pain is temporary. (((((hugs)))))
Thank you both so much, how eloquent you are Jerry - you have brought me to tears with your words of wisdom. I MUST find alanon quickly and do as you say, having been involved with addicts and alcoholics for many years I believe in AA/Alanon wholeheartedly.
There was a night a few weeks back that my hub made a promise to our kids and broke it to go use. I was angry, hurt, and I wanted to scream at my hub. I was too angry to say anything to my kids at that point. I am grateful that I was. After I calmed down I realized that his relationship is just that HIS.
Do I believe my kids are missing out by not having a father...yes. But in his disease he isn't a father. The less contact they have with him the better. I would not be saying this if he wasn't so active in his disease. He has been coming down from meth everytime he has come to see them since I have asked him to leave.
Kids are smart. Mine have already noticed at the early ages of 10, 7, and 6 that much of what dad says isn't true. I don't have to tell them that they realized that on their own.
By working my program, answering their questions honestly, telling them about the disease in age appropriate ways, and having them see how different the houshold has changed since he has left, that is all I can do.
If his dad is feeding him lies...sooner or later he will be caught in them.
Keep coming back.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
My story is almost the exact same as yours. My ex also left me after 2 years of my supporting him and moved in with someone else!!!! One day he just drove off and left I and my 13 year old daughter - his dog and everything else in the house taking only his clothes. He tells everyone a different story - tells them lies. He too would ask me to be patient and trust him while he was in school - but in school he met another woman and moved in with her.
How do I survive? This is my first week in Alanon and I constantly am reading the books, reading the online boards and going to meetings when I can. Night time is the hardest so I come home and read, write, journal and study Alanon literature. It brings me peace. Its even hard to do good things for myself, but reading about Alanon and releasing my ex to HP helps me to focus on my healing instead of him.
Do I wonder who he is with? Yes - all the time. Do I feel badly that he fed me lies while I fed him food - yes all the time. Get as much Alanon literature as you can - books especially and read and start writing about the first step. Pray from your heart to your HP - not from your head but from you heart. And spend as many precious moments as you can with your son in the present just loving him and being with him.
I have a five year old who is the son of a friend of mine and at no other time can I lose myself in the present then when I play with him.
