Give him another chance at what? Not being an A? He is an A, A's relapse, get dui's, lose their jobs, lie, steal, are selfish, they feel more guilt than all ours added together. They have an incurable disease.

A's don't choose to get themselves into trouble. They are as soon as they are awake "driven" to use. They don't do it on purpose.

We cannot control it. We can do zero but love them. Protect ourselves from the diseases fall out.

My husband is on his seventh or eighth dui and is sitting in prison for it. NO surprise to me. A very horrible reality for him. Of course my life is nothing what would be considered happy as far as my marriage. Really isn't one.

To me life is odat. period. There is not oh we will go all over in our RV or stay in Arizona in the winter. I married an A. Even people who do not marry A's lives don't always go as they wanted or had goals for.

My esh is I just want to love my A in however I can. Now it is not an inlove, but an I care. HE has his own life, but I still care very much.

If you love him and want to be with him, I hope you can find comfort in meetings, and coming here.

It is not like anyone is a failure. Life is what it is, however we make it.

Praying for serenity for you both. love,debilyn

Aloha Gail...Big Ouch!! on that one and yet reading your post I see where you've
got hope and the willingness to learn from the family.  You will not learn it over
night though so you've got to keep coming back, taking the suggestions and
following thru.  I remember the night I made the decision to let my alcoholic wife
"own" her stuff and lovingly (to the best I knew then) not participate.  She told
me I had always been with her when it hit the fan and I told her "yes I know" and
there is something else more important for me then, she could go and handle it
alone. (period - quiet).  Her reaction isn't important here but I stopped letting her
negative consequences define me. 

Protecting the alcoholic from your true feelings of frustration and anger is a form of
enabling; shielding them from part of the consequences of their choices.  After all
part of the consequences besides the fines and court and lost of driving privileges and family and friend back talking and all he other stuff is the spouses emotions.
"If you gotta em...flaunt em and then store them appropriately."   I use to do them
inappropriately...badly until I started following suggestions both of the program and
of my sponsors.   I got to expose my feelings and not feel bad about myself for
having them.    You already have a handle at the primary emotions that always
shows up in alcoholism   FEAR.   It is primary for them as it is for us.  FEAR drives
alcoholism.  It is normal and acceptable best when you don't allow it to cause
yourself to react.  I learned to allow fear to cause me to slow down and shake it
off first and then do an investigation of what I was reacting to and thinking and
how much of that was real and how much was negative fantasy.   Of course the
national reaction is divorce.  Run, Flee, Cut it out, blow it up, hide and whatever
else can be named here and I reacted to it that way to until a great sponsor taught
me how to not react and to stand still.  Get out of fear and into caution which is
recognizing that I don't like the situation and taking time to look it over, inspect it
find value and find liability.   I used to do the "end of the world" act and that only
impressed people that "that guy is really crazy!!"   There you go next perception.

My experience is that I feared because I was 1. powerless and 2. lost my security.
You're okay if any of those two fit.  You don't know what or how to handle this
situation again and he didn't come with a manual.   Might as well take 15 to 30
minutes to go crazy (in a safe place) and then stop and have a treat.  Both will
be good for you.  What else will be good for you is to put down the BIG MALLET
you're using on yourself because you aren't on top of it all.   No one is ever on top
of this disease at anytime...either you or he and that is the reason it is called...
Cunning, Powerful and Baffling.   When it gets me I admit to myself, "Jerry F you've
been had again"...I shake myself off like a wet puppy and go sit down in the sun
or some quiet place to either prepare myself to howl like hell before I relax or just
relax and do something good for me.

It doesn't get to own you unless you hand yourself over to it.   You're choice.  He
gets the 2nd DUI...his choice and you get?

(((((hugs)))))

Thank you all for taking time to respond to my post.  At the moment, I'm stick caught up in self-pity too much.  I can't respond intelligently.

I need some quiet time

Be certain that I'm reading all your posts numerous time to "digest" them.  Thank you all very much. 

Gail

I had a now ex A who totalled many cars.  He ran up so many tickets, crashed into people and left and it went on and on and on.  My anger was immense.  I would certainly not say it was a "spoiled child". I think it is perfectly appropriate to be angry when someone is so self destructive. What is interesting is your husband isn't angry at himself  I think that is one of the hallmarks of alcoholism there are no consequences bad enough to stop drinking.

I felt absolutely fused to the ex A. Leaving or staying were huge for me.  I had to make a plan be.  I made it here on this board.  The act of making a plan be helped me immensely.  I stopped being so overinvolved with the now ex A.  I started making choices, I liked none of them but they were my choices.

Maresie.