Delicate topic - Al-Anon Family Group

angelbreeze127 · Member

Delicate topic

Overcome · Senior Member

Hi angelbreeze127...

No, you haven't offended me and this is a very common problem among alcoholics. So common in fact that there is a small Al-Anon book on the subject called "Sexual Intimacy and the Alcoholic Relationship". I don't believe it is in print anymore, but you might be able to find it on Amazon.com.

I read it during my 3rd marriage when I was having problems with my husband, who actually wasn't an alcoholic (my first two were) but the adult child of an alcoholic (ACOA). It wasn't until years later (five) that I found out that he had been sexually abused by his alcoholic father and was suffering PTSD from that. It basically destroyed our marriage, but the book was helpful.

In Chapter One on "Feeling Unloved" it has a very apprepo (not sure I spelled that right) saying: "Spiritual closeness has now become a prerequisite for physical closeness."

I think when the sex drive "goes south" and things like personal hygeine get in the way of physical closeness, we have to turn to our Higher Power, whom I chose to call God, to meet our needs. There is a saying: (and I paraphraze) "For God is thy husband...for God called you as a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit..only to be rejected. I will have compassion on you says God."

I think what this means is that God wants us to draw closer to Him during these times of trial and rely on him to meet our needs. I understand your desire for a sexual closeness with your husband, that is only natural, but he may just not be able to "do it" at this time because of the effect of alcohol on his body.

I would bring this issue to God and smother it in prayer. You were not meant to lead a celebate life. Marriage was not made for that, but whether you leave or stay is yours and only your decision. NO one else has the right to tell you what to do. Pray, stay close to the God of your understanding, and the answers will come.

Overcome

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

angelbreeze127 wrote:

Hi All,

How does a woman of 49 "accept" that it is over.? I GET the fact that he is dying inside and between cig, alcohol and other undetected physical issues, he has lost it, but I find myslef givng up on me..

The pounds are adding up faster, the sweatpants are more prevelant and I don't feel the zing of wanting to even look good, becasue who the heck cares...
About 3 years ago, he gave up showers, cutting his toenails and changing his underwear, and even attempting to make love, so what is left???

Hi Angelbreeze

I understand your share however it was myself who lost my drive and desire for him After all if he was not taking care of himself why would I desire intimacy with him.

I came to alanon because I had lost myself and continued to focus on others in order to solve MY problems. Alanon taught me that I was powerless over anyone else and that I had to focus on myself if I wanted to feel better.

I suggest keep going to meetings, work the steps, focus on yourself, share and live a day at a ttime. Your answers will come.

Keep comng back

-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 3rd of November 2009 06:41:37 PM

-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 3rd of November 2009 06:43:41 PM

woopsadaisy · Veteran Member

I am worried about this same thing happening in our lives. Right now, my STBAH has a sort of fetish/sex addiction combined with his other addictions... he goes alone to a room, smokes pot drinks whiskey, looks at porn... and well, you get the idea. He is comfortable with me knowing about it, and when I asked him if he could share it with me, he did... but I needless to say, it doesn't haev the same effect on me that it does on him! So, I've left that up to him as he sees fit. I don't get the whole ritual, but it's his ritual, and part of him. He has been this way long before I showed up in his life.
So far, we don't have a problem with sex or intimacy. We celebrate our 2 years of being together in February. But I wonder sometimes, between the alcohol and the porn use, how long our love life will have the zing of fulfillment it has now. I don't worry about it much, have given it to God to take care of, just work on enjoying today, and I make sure i let him know how much I appreciate it. Truth is, we BOTH like it.
But his addictions are maybe stronger than his will... I just pray and pray that the addctions don't win. he deserves better. He deserves to be happy. But that is not my call to make happen. I think God has something special in store for him, and for me. I really pray that he gets shown the way towards that enduring self-love that he will come to not be able to live without.

All my best to you and your husband.
woops

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Sure do relate. Sadly part of the disease is one loses sex drive and the ability to perform.
Also goes the motivation to be clean, eat right or care at all. The total focus is using.

I was about your age when it all went south for me also. It broke my heart big time. I even got mad once and called him a sexless wonder. )o: I apologized later after getting Al Anon skills in my heart.

I am where you are talking.Have had no intimacy for at least 7 years. Yes it was hard for many years every day. Now it is difficult sigh most the time. EsH is I tell myself ONE day at a time and get thru that. If I say in my head, "OMGosh do I have to live like this, so alone the rest of my life???" The horror hits me once in awhile. Immediately I go into the odat mode, and it is ok.

Now I am not attracted to him at all anyway. The wet brain is so awful.

Ok for me, I am still a woman, I get myself pretty sterling silver jewelry, put make up on, do my eyebrows, nails. It makes ME feel better, I do it for the feminine woman i am.

We do get terribly depressed when our spouses don't desire us anymore. But in truth it is not US. It is the disease who makes them not interested in intimacy at all. We can still be the person we love.

Al Anon teaches us to keep living and not allow the disease of addiction of our loved one kill us. In fact that it what it does when we give up.

I wear pretty nightdresses, no sweats. I do like pretty stretch cotton jammies but where a feminine top.

BUT for awhile I did feel like you, but decided I did not want to die.

Great share, I hope you find comfort. Shaking my head hon, I can remember when my beautiful sexy husband smelled so bad I could not stand to walk by him....

hugs,debilyn

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

I go through this with my AH as well. All I can do is turn him over to his HP and try to look inside at what's REALLY bugging me and ask for my HP's guidance.

My AH's sexual intimacy problems are his. I can use the three C's where that aspect is concerned, too. I didn't cause his sexual problems. I can't control his sexual problems and I can't cure them, either.

So where does that leave me? Taking care of myself.

I sympathize that it's difficult to take care of that sexual need when you want to keep your side of the fence clean and remain faithful in your marriage.

It's tough. I have to just keep turning it over to my HP. Over and over and over.

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((((angel)))))))))))

This is such a common problem. The reason as I see it, is because the disease cannot live and survive in a connected intimate relationship situation. One of the first things the disease destroys is intimacy. It is just the way it works. And it really bites!!!! For me, my AH became the opposite of yours. He was aggressive and completely unaware of my feelings and needs when it came to the act itself. He hounded me constantly and it was demeaning and demoralizing. I became so defensive that I could not stand to sleep in the same bed with him. Even now, after 2 years sober for him and 3 years of alanon for me, I get fearful and withdrawn at times. I can talk about it with him now, but I have to push myself and remind myself that it is ok and safe to talk to him about it now. He still has no real understanding of how it has hurt me, but he is sober and tries to understand now.

One thing I do know is that the more he hounded me, the more I withdrew. Trying to force the issue does not work.

What the others have said about turning it over to HP, letting it go and working on you, is the best suggestion I can think of. It is still all about what I can change and what I can't. Find that intimate spiritual relationship with yourself and HP. Its the best medicine.

In recovery,

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

This topic is not talked about alot and it really can become a problem , I missed the intamcy the huggy stuff more than anything , but impotence is common in alcoholics he may have lost his sex drive , if he has been drinking for a long time and going to a doc won't help if he dosent stop drinking .
I chose to not have sexual contact with my husb in his last few yrs of drinking as the smell and agressive behavior just plain made me feel bad about myself .
Luckily my husb is a gentleman at heart and when I said NO he didnt' push , I always have appreciated that . Sobriety had its own problems for a few months but everything returned to normal eventually .

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I have found sexual intimacy is good spontaneously and better when planned. Of
course there are the "I don't wanna or feel like it times" from both of us and then
respect owns the time. One thing that recovery did for me was allow me to think
about my part in it. I also had to change my part, my thoughts and actions and
some of my 9th step apologies were to women. I use to be the instigator and then
realized that, like it has been mentioned here, I didn't take into consideration my
partner's or wife's feelings. Now that I have had a taste of that side of the pie
myself, I understand. I came to understand also that I didn't like the "being on
hand" for sex when she wanted it and it was good practice working toward an
"our" or "we" mutual condition than and "I wanna now" one. I have learned the
difference between making love and having sex.   When the disease raged it was
all having sex how ever that came about.   The sex was like the disease at that
time...sick and all about "getting off".   I learned in program about nerve ending
gratification and made the move to amend that also.   We're still working on it and
I like the love part much better because today I understand it.

The 12th step says "Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps
I try to carry this message to others and practice these principles in all my affairs."

The quantity of affairs has gone down dramatically while the quality has gone thru
the roof.

(((((hugs))))) smile

MaryPoppins · Veteran Member

Hi AngelBreeze,

This is a sensitive topic, and one most of us wives of alcoholics know well.

Some lose their sex drives, while others do not. However, I will tell you that even though my husband did not lose his sex drive totally, he did lose it towards me out of resentment for my years before Alanon of trying to get him to face his alcoholism and get help.

Everyone responds differently, but I will tell you what worked for me.

Talking, reasoning, patience, etc. did NOT work and I got very frustrated with the whole situation. I was having my suspicians that he was getting his "needs" met elsewhere and I did not like that at all. I was NOT going to get him back by doing the same, I was not going to sink to the alcholic's level, but I did decide to fight fire with fire.

I too had let depression get the best of me. I did not dress up as much as I used to, and did not wear makeup that often or spend too much time on my hair.

Living like that was INTOLERABLE to me, although I did eventually adjust to the "no sex" lifestyle I did not like it ONE BIT. What was the point of staying married and putting up with the A if there was no special husband and wife relationship? Without the marital intimacy, my husband was just a yucky stinky loud foul mouthed drunken roomate that I would have kicked out in a second.

My ESH and what worked for me was to sort of go back to what attracted him to me in the first place. I bought some clothes that sort of showed off my assets that he liked in a VERY obvious way, a way I would NEVER go out of the house in. But he didn't know that. I would wear that stuff around the house, sort of hang around him, decide to go down the hall at the same time and squeeze past him and then get my coat and spritz on some perfume and go out, LOL. I would go to all night grocery stores and read magazines and never take my coat off, LOL.

He would rather die than admit he was jealous, or ask me about anything, but he is a man and men always notice women who make an effort to be attractive. Especially someone whom he already noticed above all others and married her

.

I think he "knew" I was faking, he knows my moral code is pretty strict, so he tested me, waited a few weeks to see if I kept it up. I DID, because taking care of me in a special way really FELT GOOD. Eventually, he began to really be afraid that another man was getting his goodies, although he knew better than to outright accuse me of anything.

He came around eventually, was very apologetic, and made more of an effort at intimacy.

I admit he also may not have, but that didn't matter. I was "taking care of me" and building up my self esteem and feeling good about myself. Win/win scenario. Very few things make men come around faster then thinking that someone else has begun to appreciate what they began to take for granted. It is human nature.

Now, I never lied to my husband, invented false evidence, called myself, sent myself flowers or did ANYTHING like that to mess with his head. I just began taking care of myself in a very obvious, special, and time consuming way that "USUALLY" means someone is having an affiar, LOL, but it can also mean you are learning to love yourself, in that sort of situation, it is hard to tell the difference.

I once read a book on how to tell if your mate is having an affair, the NUMBER ONE CLUE IS that they began to take pains with their physical appearacne and exercise, and take care of themselves better and buy new clothes, and in woman's case, lingerie, and new fancy trendy underwear, LOL.

Why wait for an affair to do that? Why not take that special good care of yourself for you? But your timing when taking that good care of yourself may be to your advantage also, LOL.

Just my ESH, take what you like and leave the rest

.

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

I am not offended by your "delicate" post. I completely understand. Our fabulous sex life came to a screeching halt a couple of years ago. He insists he loves me, but the act of love? Not often.

I am not a young girl, but I am still a damned good looking woman! I keep myself well, see to my hair, makeup, and skin, maintain an attractive wardrobe, exercise regularly, maintain my sense of humor, and keep my weight at a healthy 115 lb. I love to flirt, and men find me interesting and fun.

My A can perform. And well, when he wants to. He is not in need of any cyalis or viagra. He has simply lost interest. I would not be unfaithful to him, but at the same time, I will not allow myself to fall into despair and be convinced that I am no longer sexually attractive.

Do not give up on yourself....

Diva

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