The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Can anyone share on their path that really got them to acceptance of the A in their life or for anything that was unacceptable to them. I seem to be stuck in sadness constantly. I really want to accept and move on with my life....I mean REALLY accept that this is the way it may be for the rest of my life.
I kept trying to (AND STILL AM! HA!) force myself to be where I wanted to be. I judged my emotions and being in a place of sadness that was physically and emotionally uncomfortable.
My sponsor suggested that I trust the process and do the footwork. For me this meant meetings, talking to my sponsor, reading literature, starting the steps. Today I try to work hard to feel my feelings and not judge them, not put the big GOOD or BAD stamp on them, but pick them up, acknowledge them and then set them down again. I've spent far too long rejecting so many parts of myself and my process. Today, it's time to accept them.
I really can't add anything better than what RunnerChick said so well.
I have an AS and to tell you the truth you never get over the sadness and loss you fee.
But you do get better with time and with caring for yourself with the help of people that understand the terrible toll that dealing with addiction of a loved one brings into you life, you begin a healing process, but there will be scares.
The advice that RunnerChick gave you was excellent get to a meeting, work with a sponser and be kind to yourself.
Hi Gail, I think you have received very valid ESH on the topic. I just wanted to add that my road to acceptance was paved by the Steps.
Steps 4 thru 10 enabled me to shed the anger, resentment, self pity and fear that I lived under for so many years. Once I had settled with my past and could truly live in the present moment, I was able to have a peace /serenity I had never known.
That did not mean I did not feel sad, angry etc at times. It just meant that I could feel these feeling acknowledge them and let them go.
This serenity enabled me to accept this disease and to love my son. I am grateful I reached this place and could love him and hate the disease before this disease took his life 2 years ago.
Today when I think of him I have good memories and bittersweet memories and some sadness but I am at peace.
The program works slowly one step at a time.
Praying for your peace.
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 3rd of November 2009 04:09:54 PM
I always tend to think that 'acceptance', much like the rest of our recovery, is much more a "journey" as opposed to a "destination", so not sure that we ever really "get it", per se.... But along the lines of the reply from RunnerChick - for me, I think my acceptance grew when I stopped categorizing everything as inherently "good" or "bad".... My sponsor used to remind me, again & again....
"It is neither good, nor bad, it simply is"
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I just want to add that you might accept that the A is an A and very likely not going to change, and therefore your life with him will always have that dynamic in it; or that your A is an A and very likely not going to change, and therefore you can't live with that and your life must proceed without him. Either one counts as acceptance. But accepting that nothing can change is erroneous -- you can change. That will make a difference. When you start to feel better, that's a powerful aid to feeling acceptance. You don't have to accept that you will feel terrible forever. That's not acceptable.
Here's what I got... My ex ah is currently staying on the couch... well actually he's in a hotel room with his new girlfriend this week... but.. as to my acceptance and yes I did finally reach acceptance.
One day I realized that he was going to die, he was killing himself and that each time I saw him may be the very last time I ever saw him again. This changed my way of relating to him from one of anger and resentment to pity and sympathy. I still have times where the resentment comes up but it is not like it was, it's a milder version which I easily wave off as it is what it is. It took me a long time to get to this point. Detachment is the hardest thing. I didn't speak to him for a very long time and our relationship now is one of friendship rather than romantic love. I don't know your situation but for me not communicating for a long time helped, falling in love with someone else helped. I think just posting this helped me come to a realization and answer a question that I had been wondering for months now... why did my last bf have to be in my life, what was the purpose of that? I think I see now... :D
