The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night, my AH told me he wants to go to an AA meeting!!! This is a huge, incredible step for him, as he has been in denial for a long time. I told him I was so proud of him, that it took a lot of courage for him to say that. I ended up telling him that I've been to open AA meetings before (he knows I'm in Al-anon, but I never said I went to AA for insight too), and he asked what they were like, and I'm so glad I had that knowledge to give him.
He said that he doesn't know how to cope with things, his father being sick, the problems between us and he has been turning to alcohol. He wishes he could have 1-2 beers watching a football game, but that he just can't stop. He said he drank 3/4 bottle of Jack Daniels the other night after I went to bed (following a marriage counselling session we'd had that didn't go so well) - he kept drinking until he passed out. He knows something is wrong and he needs to do something, he doesn't want his life to be like this.
I am over the moon. I am however, careful to give myself a dose of reality that we still have a long tough road ahead. I will be moral support if he needs me, but I realize he has to do this on his own, and there is nothing I can do to help him. He did say that the fact that I have backed off and am no longer reacting in anger to his drinking gave him the clarity to see the real problem in himself, so I am thanking my HP that I found al-anon!
Awesome news, and also great awareness on your part.... it's great to feel positive about this, but also aware of not getting too far ahead or developing too many expectations..... sounds like "his" recovery is starting, but it really is "his" to own.... whether he follows through or not, this is an awesome time for you to dive even more into your own recovery....
As an aside, just wondering how the counselling is going for you - it's been my experience that marriage counselling while an A is active, is pretty much an exercise in futility, but I suppose it can be somewhat beneficial if the counsellor is fully trained in addictions counselling.....
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Awesome news, and also great awareness on your part.... it's great to feel positive about this, but also aware of not getting too far ahead or developing too many expectations..... sounds like "his" recovery is starting, but it really is "his" to own.... whether he follows through or not, this is an awesome time for you to dive even more into your own recovery....
As an aside, just wondering how the counselling is going for you - it's been my experience that marriage counselling while an A is active, is pretty much an exercise in futility, but I suppose it can be somewhat beneficial if the counsellor is fully trained in addictions counselling.....
Take care Tom
Thanks Tom.
For the counselling, we have only been to two sessions. The counsellor does not specialize in addictions, but she is very experienced in dealing with people in my H's line of work, (a job that has a culture of drinking, due to the stress) so she is quite familiar with it, and it helped him to be comfortable with her because he felt she understood him.
The second session, he had been drinking beforehand, so he was not all there. But she fired direct, blunt questions at him about his run-away instincts (he wants to move to the States, thinks all the problems would be solved), about his dad (an active A) and how he has taught him these coping mechanisms, etc. I think that talk actually precipitated his realization last night, as he said he thought a lot about what she said.
But yes, I think you're right, in general counselling with an active A seems futile. We can work on the smaller stuff all we want, but it doesn't really matter until the big issue is addressed. I guess I just wanted counselling with him because I needed to do something, and it felt like it was helping to at least get the discussions going, instead of burying everything.
I am very happy for this development in you A, and your own awareness ofreality. This is only the beginning, now the hard work starts. LOL
We went to counseling when my AH was still active, too. It helped me a lot, him a little, maybe. Our counselor was not that familiar with addiction, but he was a good family counselor who got you to think and solve your own problems, not telling you what to do. We only went for a few months as he moved to take a different job. We were sad to lose him. But going to the counseling center was how I found Al-Anon. HP knows what we need.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Aloha Cdngirl...enjoy the process and stay in your own recovery process also. I pray your husband will go all the way thru the door, find the table and the chair and take his seat inside of the group. I related to your elation and hope what a gift to someone who has been a victim of someone elses drinking...what a miracle arriving at hope is. Then too what Tom shared is very important assistance for me also.
but (and) it really is "his" to own.... whether he follows through or not, this is an awesome time for you to dive even more into your own recovery....
(Today I don't do "buts" in favor of "ands" because reality is and can be miracles and losses...so the (and) is mine not Tom's)
I hope you will be just as amazed at your progress and growth and miracles along with the ones you experience with your husband. I wish him "and" you the miracles of recovery. The miracles as so much more exciting when shared.
