The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I really suffer from this. I am hoping others wouldn't mind sharing how they cope with the stomach twisting, heart-pounding, mind consuming obsession and anxiety that one gets in situations that they really have no control over.
I identify my fear of abandonment and rejection here, but this is a very physical sensation for me. I almost disassociate from my body and all that matters is reaching that person on the other end of the phone. The phone alone is a huge trigger for me and my insane behaviors. It's a dark and scary place and hope others can share about how they use program tools to cope.
I know EXACTLY what you mean. The knife in the stomach feeling, the heartbreak. I think for me only time and separation help this. Also, trying to stay in the present moment. Thinking about what I am doing right NOW and not what I'm missing or what should have been or what I thought would be etc. What is...right now. Another thing for me since I have a tendency to lash out when I'm hurt or angry is to try to think about my response for 24 hours (not that this always helps). Putting my feelings down on paper and getting them outside of myself too... Going to the gym and really taking it out on my body has been helping a lot too and I find that while I'm there and after I leave my attitude TOTALLY changes. I'm through the woods and very rarely get the stabbing feeling in my stomach anymore. Almost always when I do get it my mind is in the past or the future and not this moment.
I'm not sure, but when I was my most distraught, I certainly leaned more heavily on what I knew from my program..... Probably the two specifics that helped me the most were:
1. One Day at a Time (or hour, or minute, or whatever ya needed) - helps keep your mind in the here and now, as opposed to the future....
2. Focus on the "whats", and not the "whys".... Most of us can deal with the whats - it's the whys that eat us up inside.... My sponsor used to tell me - if I couldn't tell which was which - to ask myself a simple question - "if I knew the answer to what I was obsessing about, would it REALLY change anything?" When the answer was NO, then it was obviously one of those "why" things...... As Sergeant Joe Friday - of Dragnet fame - used to say: "Just the facts ma'am"
Take care T
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I used to call it the "Brain Burn" because it felt like my brain was literally on fire. I understand this now to be the release of adrenline. And for a long time, it was an uncontrollable sensation. At first, I didn't mind it too much. It was how I was used to living (when I was with my A) But over time, it made me pretty sick and I got to hating it.
I didn't know what to do to control it and no one really understood what I was talking about. So, I finally decided to talk to my brain and tell it that I no longer liked that brain fire feeling. And no longer needed to have it. So, everytime it would happen, I would tell my brain to stop it. No more. I was in control and I didn't like it.
Took a few months, but it stopped. I don't know if it was actually me talking myself out of it, or just adrenal burn out. Live in fight or flight long enough and it will kill your adrenal gland.
My PTSD triggers are different now. I feel the fear and I am able to determine if it is a real fear or just past fears jumping into the present. And I can accept the physical feelings thatgo along with it. I don't like those feelings but I accept them as just a part of me now.
My addiction to my ex was as strong as his addiction to crack. And when I couldn't get ahold of him, I can't tell you the insane things I did. Well, I could tell you but you would swear I was the one addicted to crack. I was just that insane. And I was totally sober. Addiction is adiction is addiction. And addiction to another human being is hard because unlike an A, we cannot just go buy a bottle. Our addiction is dependent on another person doing what we want.
Yes, time, program, loving yourself and turning it over to your HP...this too shall pass....if we let it.
I have a lot of different tools I can choose to use if I find my mind trying to trap me in that awful cage.
I want to start calling it "the Monster". I have an Al-Anon friend who loosely refers to our part of the disease as "the Monster". I think it's pretty fitting... and she loves telling stories how she does her best to let the Monster starve instead of feeding off of her. She starves it by working her recovery. (I swear, if she's still around and I'm in a place where I'd like to work with another sponsor, she'd be next in line... but I DO love my current sponsor... so, yeah.)
In any case... when I'm feeling like this I know I can call my sponsor or an Al-Anon friend. I could get to a meeting. Tonight, neither of those were in my forecast because I started feeling really resentful and angry right around the time I knew my sponsor was in the middle of a meeting! lol.
So, my next choice was to pull out my daily reader (happens to be Courage to Change in the house right now), and flip to the back and identify how I'm feeling. I then look up that emotion in the index and start reading the pages in the reader that relate. If the reader doesn't have enough, I'll read some more out of more of my CAL arsenal.
It helps... kind of takes me back to reality. Tonight, for instance, it at least got me to snap out of my sickening feeling of anger and resentment and actually spurred me into action into calling my AH and actually thanking him for supporting me in a boundary I had set with my step-daughter. AH is rarely EVER supportive of anything for me, so I felt it was important to let him know I sincerely appreciated it.
So... that's what helps. Reading a lot of stuff on Step Three seemed to be what I needed tonight, too - although I'm officially working that step with my sponsor. I'm resentful because I'm wanting to control things that are out of my control. Got to turn it over to my HP.
