The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am writing this email to get some things off my chest. It is for my benefit, not yours. Not sure I will even press the send button.
I really think that I am coming to the end of being able to live with your addiction anymore. Drinking or sober, I find it very hard to be in your company. I am becoming very resentful of the life that I have. It is not the life I want. I do not like our interaction. I do not like when the girls come to our house with you there. I want my grandmother time without you being there. It is so much better for me. I can't stand listening to you moan and groan about what a loser you think you are. I cannot stand calling you and trying to figure out if you have that slur to your speech.
The funny thing about being an alcoholic is that you really do think that no one can tell the difference when you are using or when your are not. I know that is what your disease tells you. If you keep saying "I am not drinking"...you might just start to believe it and think that others do to. They don't! That is so hard for me to comprehend but I know it from listening to so many other family members of alcoholics.
I now know that there is absolutely nothing I can do to pull you from the depths of this disease but I also know that I will not let it pull me down with you. I have too much more to my life than that. Somehow I must find the courage to let you go and give you to your HP for him to take care of. I am thinking that pretty soon in the near future that we should not be living so close to each other and I hope that you will also come to that realization.
I want to force solutions with my son, as well. I watched my husband go down the path, and I don't want to watch my son too.
Whenever I want to "do" something, I call my sponsor. And every time, she tells me, to just love him. She reminds me that love and tolerance is our code of conduct, and to give him the dignity to go as far down the scale as he needs to go. And to love him anyway.
Every time she says it, it feels completely impossible. Still, I try to do as she says. I'm not perfect, but I do believe that my son knows I love him. He may find recovery some day, and he may not. I do know this, it won't be ME who makes it happen. I am powerless.
HP never promised "easy." Just company.
Is there a reason you have to "do" something today? Maybe all you need to do, is be gentle with yourself, and find a meeting. Nothing more. (((hugs)))
With love in recovery
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Aloha Gailey, That was a very honest for you letter. Now would be a good time for loving detachment I learned. Turn myself over along with the alcoholic and go restart my life with my HP, sponsor, program and the like. In support ((((hugs))))
I have sent many such letters, emails etc in the hope that something, anything would open the door to communication and that recovery will be initiated. I understand how painful all this can be.
Please detach from him and try to focus all your attention on your life and serenity. I found I could be serene if I focused on myself and turned my son and his life over to HP.
There are no guarantees and all we can do is love them and pray.
Praying for your peace.
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 26th of October 2009 09:43:41 PM
thanks for your honesty & openness. i see the need to write the letter! i hope you feel so much better after writing it. i may not have a son but i know what the disease does to so many. Bless you. Kathleen
Gail, I hope getting things off your chest gave you what you needed today. Having the disease of alcoholism does not make unacceptable behavior acceptable. Sometimes things just need to be brought front and center. You simply told him how you feel and that you will no longer be sucked in. As Jerry said, now is a great time to restart life :)
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Gailey.. that is a great, heartfelt letter.... Now, for your sake & serenity, I hope you put it into a bottle, and go throw it in the nearest ocean, or lake..... It's kinda like "nature's God Box", if you want to think of it like that....
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
That was an honest and couragious letter. It couldn't have been easy for you to write. Recovery is about taking back our life and living the life we so richly deserve. You deserve that time with your grandchildren. You deserve the serenity. You deserve that life. No time like the present. I'm proud of you. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
What a good letter, Gail. So hard to write, but so honest. Now if you do send it, remember that it is for you, not him. No expectations. When my AH was at his worst, I told him much the same thing, "I can't help you with this, I can't save you from your disease, I can't do this for you."
What I could do was to protect myself and my kids from his unacceptable behavior. I could find my own life and do him the service of letting him be responsible for his own recovery.
We cannot work the program for someone else, only for ourselves.
Love in recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Gailey I know that letter must have been hard to write, but very liberating. I am currently taking a DivorceCare class that suggests that we write a letter to our ex-spouse about all our feelings and such. I just divorced my alcoholic husband. I intend to write that letter, but give it to the class moderator and not mail it.
An option for you might be to give the letter to your sponsor and talk to them about it. I know from experience that it is a very healing and freeing experience to write out our feelings, but we must be careful about sending them. I have to remember when corresponding with my ex, to say what I mean, mean what I say and don't say it mean.
Love and hugs to you, Overcome
__________________
I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
