The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Maybe I shouldn't even be here. Maybe it's my fault that at present we are having relationship problems. I was giving it a great deal of thought and yes, dear H does have a drinking problem, maybe worse since he seems to be choosing alcohol over me, but what I find worse than the drinking is his disrespect to me. He couldn't be bothered to communicate, he almost seems agitated dealing with anything he doesn't like, even simple things are too much for him. I noticed that he gets angry at a lot of things that aren't even my fault, sometimes it's clearly his fault. I wish we could be a loving couple like others.
We have barely spoken in a week, BUT I believe I'm the one who started this whole mess, and lately yes, I have been bringing up his drinking, and maybe if I would be more calmer and nicer he wouldn't be so unkind to me. A week ago I went to him to tell him my feelings on something totally unrelated that was upsetting me, he didn't even give me a chance to speak and told me that he didn't want to hear about it..I blew up at him and he told me that I'm not normal and that there is something wrong with me...I brought up his drinking, I shouldn't have since it wasn't related to his drinking but I did.. I'm sick and tired of apologizing but I'm wondering if I should again, yet I amost find peace with the silent treatment because he isn't yelling at me. Today the dog got yelled at.
There I did it, I wrote my feelings down, and hopefully tomorrow I can delete this because I will probably feel guilty for disclosing family problems.
Maybe this is my fault ??? I don't think so , tho he would certainly like u to believe that . Your not the reason he drinks regardless of what he says . You are simply not that powerful to make someone drink or stop . Please find Al-Anon meetings f2f for yourself you need support , when u live with alcoholism you go a little nuts , we don't trust what we see or hear begin to doubt ourselves and blame ourselves for thier crappy behavior . You have taken on the shame and guilt of someone elses drinking problem , Your not the reason he drinks . Please get help for yourself , get the focus on yourself , you are the only one you can change . Louise
You did great sharing your feelings and what is going on in your home.
What you describe is typical of living in an alcoholic home. You are also correct you do need hep. The alcoholic in your home cannot help you . This disease of alcoholism prevents him from being able to hear you or respond to your emotional needs. That is why alanon meetings and posting here and the chat room are so important.
You need to be heard, You need to pcik up differnt tools that will help you find peace and happiness. Look at the top of the main page there is Sticky Post with an offer of a free book called Getting Them Sober. Just send a private message to Canadian Guy and you can start with that literature.
Please keep coming back here you deserve help and peace.
I went through a phase where I thought it was my fault too. Even though he started drinking 14 yrs before meeting me. Somehow I took the blame for our relationship problems. When now I think it was the disease of alcoholism. It doesn't just affect those who drink. It affects those around it as well.
So I turned around this is my fault to I know alcoholism has affected me even though im not a drunk, but if I don't chose recovery for myself (alanon) then me being miserable all the time will be my fault.
We can only change ourselves. And if nothing changes then nothing changes or it just gets worse. So I decided to apply the tools in Alanon, read, listen, share.. Miracles don't happen over night, but one day at a time I am becoming happier! And it's great!! Some days I slip of course im not perfect.
The things you described about your A remind me of mine. He never wanted to talk about things. Especially problems in our relationship. And after awhile I did hear I don't want to hear about it, im not going to argue with you, you're doing this to yourself. I always wanted to know the why's to everything. And still somedays I do, but I've had to learn that sometimes Im just not going to understand things no matter how much I try.
Don't feel guilty for disclosing family problems. You will find others who can relate and you wont feel alone. It helps me to talk about everything! Another thing I learned was when I hid all our family problems it made thigns easier for my A. I was enabling him so I quit! Not going to help him in his disease!
I did get the book hotrod mentioned Getting them sober. It was my very first book. And the day in came in the mail I just couldn't put it down I read it till it was done which was that evening. I learned sooo much.
Keep coming back and posting-- and even if it makes you feel comfortable deleting them in the morning then do it! As long as you can get a few replies before deleting them!
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
Abby said it best, it's not your fault although he would like to you think it is....usually addicts will blame anything or anyone but themselves that way they don''t have to admit they have a problem...
Get some help for you dear lady, keep posting....prayers are with you....
The fault is in the disease he has. His disease doesn't allow him to respect anyone or anything. It doesn't matter if he drank or not that day. We may have a role in this disease, but it is NOT our fault. That's why they call it a family disease. It can beat the family members down to the point where we do think it's our fault. Abby's right, they don't need an excuse to drink or drug. I can't tell you how many times I blamed myself for my hubby's problem. This program helped me realize how wrong I was.
It's goes back to Step 1 - "We admitted we are powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable." Powerless being the key word. Please find yourself some meetings. They will help you so much. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Dori..... a counselor once told me, when I was saying something similar about my then AW - "of course she is mad at you - you are the one who is making it uncomfortable for her to drink!".
Don't beat yourself up here - you can't "cause" his sobriety, nor his drunkeness, nor his mood swings, nor his overall attitude....
His personality in enmeshed with his addiction - he won't admit to that (he probably doesn't even fully understand or realize it), but an active A is not a healthy person - look at them with a big "SSS" on their forehead, as it stands for "sick, sick, sick"
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Oh my goodness! I can completely relate! I can't talk to my boyfriend about ANYTHING! He either snaps at me/gets pissed off or attacks me. And, if we try to talk about the drinking...oh lord. I wonder...is this a common thing among alcoholics? Not wanting to talk about ANY relationship issues. Maybe because they all stem back to the drinking? hmm. (((((dori))))) my thoughts and prayers are with you :) Take care...
Thank you and yes the drinking does have a connection. My husband use to be a social drinker but started to drink every day when he was laid off at his workplace. That is when the everyday drinking began and that is when his character started to change. I recall blaming myself at that time as well, because he was firing off at me for every little thing. He is since employed in a well paying job with good benefits but the drinking never stopped.
